Unutterably Silly Dear Dr. Bad Advice

[montsnmags]

Originally Posted by Catire

Querido, Dr. Malos Consejos

El filtro de agua de la nevera en mi casa esta malo, sera que salgo a comprar agua o intento tomar agua del lavaplatos? otra cosa, remodelaron mi baño recientemente y ahora con el espejo grande que pusieron en el lavamanos creo que los vecinos me pueden ver cuando me baño, sera que coloco una cortina en la ventana o dejo que disfruten el show?

Gracias, espero con ansias su respuesta.

Hey, them's tricky ones. In the first case I know that I'd probably just do what my dogs do inside when their bowls are running low or they want some that is regularly refreshed, and in the latter, a curtain and a donations box on the ledge should do the trick.

Of course, I'm no doctor, so take this with a grain of salt, a glass of water, and here's 20 cents for your donation box.

Cheers,
Marc

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by RWood

Hey BA:

Nice gig you got. I loved you on the A-Team TV series. Man, you kicked some a**. Good to see you finally got a real job other than pushing those boy dolls on some kids Saturday morning TV pablum.

Now I've got this buddy, you see, and he's afraid to fly. Says only loonies and crazy people fly. We've got this job we've got to get to in Lima, Peru to help this guy from the US get his teaching certificate and a few other things (if you catch my meaning, if you get my drift.) The highway is closed for repairs and the boat takes too long. How do we get him to Peru?

Signed,

(Captain) H. M. Murdock
Owner, Howling Mad's Flying School

Dear (Captain) H. M. Murdock:

I think you’re confusing me with someone’s remake. I – ME - at one time thought I was H.M. Murdock in a previous life. I don't like to advertise this but I was, once upon a time, certifiably crazy: Loco, burro, tonto, a drooling idiota.

Dr. Bad Advice tries to forget the mistakes of his past, in addition the electro-shock therapy that made him, for awhile, a drooling idiot -- much like a sixteen year-old. Please keep in mind this was during the days of “Cujo,” when mad dogs run free, so why not me/across the swooping plain. You must also remember that my escape from a maximum security prison was for a crime I did not commit. In hindsight, perhaps it’s better to commit a crime than to do a remake. (I must remind the sixteen year-olds on this site that what I just wrote is VERY BAD ADVICE, indeed.)

But, returning to those days of yore:

I was younger then and enjoyed kicking some a**, as you so poetically state. Now, being much older, I only want to look for some….(well, perhaps Dr. Bad Advice has already said too much…heheh.)

About your friend, I actually spoke to him yesterday. He informed me that his Teaching Certificate is valid…. but only valid south of the border and only in a Third World Country. He told me that he is looking forward to teaching and is actually living in Peru at this moment. He informed me that he wants to get married.

I certainly have a lot of bad advice for that poor fool.


Signed,
Dr. Bad Advice

[Madam Broshkina]

Dear Dr. Bad Advice I have been losing sleep wondering who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp? My hair has been falling out fretting about who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong? I can't concentrate at work worrying who put the bop
in the bop shoo bop shoo bop? I spend to much time reflecting on who put the dip in the dip da dip da dip? Can you help me?

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by radioflyertoo

Dear Dr. Bad Advice,

Thank you for the cogent and revealing answer to my prior question - It has cleared the air.

However my Transmogrifier is now spewing out gobs of icky stuff. waht can I do?

Dear Bob:

“Transmogrifier,” indeed…“BoB.” (We didn’t call it that when I was a young man.)

I’m afraid your UTI can be cured with a large dose of penicillin. In a few weeks, your “Transmogrifier” should be as good as new.

Signed,
Dr. Bad Advice

[Dr. Drib]

Well, Dr. Bad Advice is going to take a breather and eat some late dinner.

Tomorrow, he'll try to finish that book he's trying to assemble.

Also, tomorrow, Dr. Bad Advice will attempt to answer all the questions put forth and also do the laundry.

Signed,
Dr. Bad Advice

[eBookNerd]

Dear Dr. [Bad] Advice,

It has come to my attention that Sony will be making an announcement on Oct 2nd regarding the digital reader. This pending announcement has left me with somewhat of a dilemma - do I need to begin planning the unfortunate demise of my current Shiny Silver Sony reader? I've often contemplated the "accidental" death of one shiny object when faced with the decision of obtaining yet a new one.
This "accident" must be carefully timed - I mean, what if Sony's announcement sucks and all they're going to do is offer a teal colored leather reader cover? Also, the current Shiny Silver Sony reader has given me almost of year of reading pleasure and I wouldn't want it to suffer needlessly....so much to think about.
In reading other threads on MR (a veritable plethora of information on killing outdated shiny things), I have come up with the following potential accidental, yet lethal methods;
1. Dropping the shiny thing from the roof of a Volvo
2. A misplaced knee to the oh-so-fragile screen (a technique recently employed by none other than our own Alec)
3. A leaky ziploc baggie in the hot tub
4. The new puppy - oh dear, I did want it to be painless for the shiny thing and after witnessing the brutal slaying of one of my favorite Birkenstock sandals (have you ever tried placing an order for just one shoe - very frustrating), I shudder to think of what the shiny thing would endure.
But I digress....Dear Doctor, please let me know your thoughts on this matter as soon as possible as I must begin the methodical planning that goes with arranging an accident for any outdated shiny thing.

Respectfully yours.
Darkly Dreaming EbookNerd

[nekokami]

Dear Darkly Dreaming EbookNerd,

I recommend that you arrange for your shiny thing to become "lost." If you like, I can supply a postal address to which your shiny thing can become lost in transit. Then you'll need to replace your shiny thing, and there is a good possibility that your lost shiny thing will be taken in by a kind-hearted stranger, thus sparing both of you a considerable amount of trauma (and substantial therapy bills, as well!)

Best regards,

Not-Dr.-Bad-Advice

[RWood]

It seems that the Bad Doctor's laundry is taking far longer than he planned. Therefore I will take a stab at the Good Madam's question:

Originally Posted by Madam Broshkina

Dear Dr. Bad Advice I have been losing sleep wondering who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp? My hair has been falling out fretting about who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong? I can't concentrate at work worrying who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop? I spend to much time reflecting on who put the dip in the dip da dip da dip? Can you help me?

The first reference to the question I could find was by Barry Mann in 1961. So you are not the first one plagued by this question. No one has found the answer in the last 47 years until now.

You must understand that following the instructions will indeed make your baby fall in love with you. That is a key. Now you must become one with the bomp, two with the ram, three with the dip, and four with the rama. At this point most would move to rama-lang-ding-dong (not Chuck Berry's "My Ding-a-ling") however the correct route is do-wakka-do leading to Roger Miller, King of the Road, Dang Me, England Swings thus proving that it is a Royal plot to undermine the US and the person responsible is Prince Charles.

Paul Anka may have done it his way but was just part of the Dianna plot.

[Dr. Drib]

There has been some confusion of late regarding Fisionwise’s Micropay rebate program. One reader, Hiram Homer, sent me a personal email that I actually have on my computer.

Hiram Homer writes:
"Dear Dr. Bad Advice: I don’t really understand the Micropay rebate from Fisionwise because I'm somewhat slow and was wondering if you could help me to understand the program."

I felt very sorry for the man, so I sent him a personal reply, which I am now sharing with you.


Dear Hiram Homer:
"Yes, I can understand your perturbation, especially if you are somewhat slow.

"Basically, the 10% rebate is applied only until April 1, at which point the 10% becomes 20%. Keep in mind that if any books were bought before April 1 at the 10% discounted rate, the buyer will then be debited to his account an additional 15%, at which point AFTER April 1, the remaining 5% is then also debited from that same account or from your nearest relative's account. However, there is one further consideration to keep in mind: If you are a member, you receive an additional 15% discount on odd-numbered days, using the Julian Calendar. For example, if a book is $5.99 and you buy it before April 1, then the book will cost you somewhere around $6.25, give or take 50 cents. If, however, you buy the book AFTER April 1, then the book will cost only $7.32. Now, if you are also a member of Fisionwise, the book will cost you $8.25, but only if purchased during the vernal equinox, a considerable savings off the suggested retail price of $26.72. Keep in mind that all books must be bought during odd-numbered days for this to be effective, otherwise you will have to pay $23.98. Also - Dr. Bad Advice almost forgot, hahah – if you use your credit card to make purchases, then the price will only be $18.99, the actual price of the book in any bookstore. (In Canada, of course, prices are much higher.) You must also give one pint of blood on any even-numbered day. But that’s another story…."


I hope this helps you or any slow person in the world to better understand. You can also click on the link on their website, buried somewhere on some page and in really small letters.


Signed,
Dr. Bad Advice

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by eBookNerd

Dear Dr. [Bad] Advice,

It has come to my attention that Sony will be making an announcement on Oct 2nd regarding the digital reader. This pending announcement has left me with somewhat of a dilemma - do I need to begin planning the unfortunate demise of my current Shiny Silver Sony reader? I've often contemplated the "accidental" death of one shiny object when faced with the decision of obtaining yet a new one.
This "accident" must be carefully timed - I mean, what if Sony's announcement sucks and all they're going to do is offer a teal colored leather reader cover? Also, the current Shiny Silver Sony reader has given me almost of year of reading pleasure and I wouldn't want it to suffer needlessly....so much to think about.
In reading other threads on MR (a veritable plethora of information on killing outdated shiny things), I have come up with the following potential accidental, yet lethal methods;
1. Dropping the shiny thing from the roof of a Volvo
2. A misplaced knee to the oh-so-fragile screen (a technique recently employed by none other than our own Alec)
3. A leaky ziploc baggie in the hot tub
4. The new puppy - oh dear, I did want it to be painless for the shiny thing and after witnessing the brutal slaying of one of my favorite Birkenstock sandals (have you ever tried placing an order for just one shoe - very frustrating), I shudder to think of what the shiny thing would endure.
But I digress....Dear Doctor, please let me know your thoughts on this matter as soon as possible as I must begin the methodical planning that goes with arranging an accident for any outdated shiny thing.

Respectfully yours.
Darkly Dreaming EbookNerd

Respectfully yours.
Darkly Dreaming EbookNerd



Dear Darkly Dreaming EbookNerd:

This is indeed a problem with the Sony units: They just will NOT stop working!

My following answer is only for adults - 16 -and 24-year olds must do this ONLY with the supervision and in the presence of an adult! I cannot emphasize this strongly enough.

First, while drinking your favorite beverage, accidentally spill about 3 liters onto the device. Make certain the beverage is NOT hot and that you are NOT sitting down. You don’t want to scald anything delicate….if you get my drift.

Second, while attempting to dry the unit from your 15th floor balcony, accidentally drop the unit. CAUTION: Make certain that no living person is directly below you.

Third, while rushing down to ground level to retrieve your device, accidentally drop it in the street in front of an onrushing (or speeding) bus – filled, preferably with 16 year-old students – as you dash madly across the street. CAUTION: You must be limber of limb as you dodge the speeding vehicles in your path.

Fourth, give the unit to a 24 year-old computer nerd (try this site, for example). Tell him your problem, as you hand your ebook reader to him. He will not understand you, of course, since you’ll be speaking English. However, since communication is not a forte of a 24 year-old nerd, a simple nod here and there as he explains to you in his computer-geek language will suffice for him to understand you. You must, however, give the unit to him quickly and leave, as these 24 year-olds only travel in packs, or soon you will be surrounded by a coterie of gabbling geek-nerds as they speak their special language of non-communication. (Their language is Informational.)

Fifth, when the computer geek-nerds call you back after about 3 weeks to pick up your Reader, be prepared to accept that it will NOT be fixed. (Remember, this is part of your strategy.) The unit WILL be fixed, in one sense, but you must try to understand that computer geek-nerds love to introduce a whole new host of other problems.

Sixth, at this point you will have a completely bricked Ebook Reader, courtesy of a gaggle of geek-speaking 24 year-old nerds. NOW, simply call Sony and tell them your unit is defective. You will be presented with Pseudo-Geeks (these are geeks who make money.) They are slightly higher up on the pecking scale. Ignore them and tell them you want to return your unit for credit - immediately.

Remember, Dr. Bad Advice is happy to help anyone with a legimate problem. Your problem is truly legitimate, even if you aren’t. (Hahahaha, Dr. Bad Advice sometimes likes to make jokes.)

Signed,
Dr. Bad Advice

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by Madam Broshkina

Dear Dr. Bad Advice I have been losing sleep wondering who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp? My hair has been falling out fretting about who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong? I can't concentrate at work worrying who put the bop
in the bop shoo bop shoo bop? I spend to much time reflecting on who put the dip in the dip da dip da dip? Can you help me?

Dear Madam Broshkina:

Imagine the shock when Dr. Bad Advice came back to his computer after having cleaned his 3 pairs of underwear and two sets of socks at the laundrymat, only to discover strange advice by “Bad Advice Wanna-Be Pretenders.” Their advice wasn’t even bad enough.

Regardless, I’m beginning to think you are a troll.

Consider:
The idea of putting a sheep into a chocolate covered Ding Dong is patently silly and absurd. As you know, a Ding Dong is round with a flat top and bottom and tastes very good (especially before Dinner), whereas sheep come in various sizes and shapes and taste horrible. Unless they are first cooked.

It’s questions like yours that weaken this whole community.

Dr. Bad Advice is so upset that he may do his laundry again in 3 weeks, even before it needs it.

Signed,
Dr. Bad Advice