Unutterably Silly Escape Committee

[RWood]

He was in charge of security for the shipment. He might even have the recharge canisters for the jetpacks.

[nekokami]

I love those plushie microbes from ThinkGeek. I keep meaning to get some for my father in law, a microbiology professor (emeritus at this point, but no matter).

[LazyScot]

We would like to apologise for this interruption to services. This was caused by entirely forseen situations (attempting to finish panicing before going on holiday, travel and weather), and an inexplicable error message (*) from the montsmags enterprises temporal activities re-alignment equipment.

Normal service will be shortly resumed, but may be subject to unexpected interruptions.

Remember additional shopping items can be requested via Bat-Fax.

However, GeoffC, you will have to get your own dates. There are limits to what you can expect the llamas to do for us. I mean carry for us.

Originally Posted by Patricia

Fur, surprise, ruthless efficiency... Our three chief weapons are fur, surprise, ruthless efficiency and a fanatical devotion to silliness ... Our four chief weapons ..

If there is any effciency here, ruthless or otherwise, I vote we set up a committee to study it, provide a report to an interim ad-hoc on the best practices it is currently employing, which will report on a new-process procedure for selecting a cross-organisational way of deploying this to improve the provision of services. And if that doesn't kill off the efficiency, we'll deny the committees any biscuits.

(*)To wit: E_NOTRICHENOUGH: please insert $10,000,000 in dimes

[vivaldirules]

Rama llama ding-dong
Have you got your MR thong?

:requestspardonformomentarylapseinsanity:

[GeoffC]

agagaahhhaaggaahh

[LazyScot]

Originally Posted by LazyScot

And with that, we bring you a word from our proud sponsor, Montsnmags Enterprises, purveyors of unreasonably priced equipment for Universe and Temporal Domination....

Scene: Newsroom, with newsreader hurriedly scanning various items of paper being rapidly pushed on the desk. In the background, various graphics are changing as an overstretched art department attempts to respond to three mutually contradicatory instructions as to what the images to be provided should look like.

Voice-over: We interrupt this interruption to take you immediately to the MR-TV rolling news channel for an announcement of great importance regarding a serious threat to the saftey of the state.

The shot cuts to a medium close-up of the newsreader, with an incomprehensible graphic, made from extremely cheap clip art, of pandas, people and an improbable vehicle. Somewhat flustered, the newsreader taps the papers on the desk, and attempts to acquire the required news-reader calm.

"Welcome to MR-TV rolling news. We interrupt your normal programs to bring you news of an escape of some extremely dangereous and highly armed...."
The newsreader's eyes go wide at the text on the tele-prompter, stops reading and looks to the side, pressing hand to earpiece.

"Jim, what on earth is all this about. I've just read the briefing. The only people they're dangerous too is themselves; they're not even armed. Unless you count an arbroath smokie, a couple of toy pandas and a few bags of sweets and a bunch of electronic reader devices. I'm a newsreader, Jim, not a propaganda purveyor. What? No, I've no idea what an arbroath smokie is....

"My apologies for that interruption. We interrupt your normal programs to bring you news of an escape of some extremely dangereous and very highly armed individuals. It is vital that these individuals are captured as soon as possible, dead or alive, and returned to the establishment from which they escaped. It is impossible to understate the devasting impact these people could have on our state, our freedoms and our way of life. It is even possible that they may be plotting against our leaders.

"As Govenor Fudd is currently completely occupied dealing with the on-going "wascally wabbit" threat to the state, this crisis has been delegated to the mysterious commissioner "D". Commissioner D has asked members of the public not to approach these individuals nor provide them any assistance whatsoever. However, if possible, members of the public are requested that they open fire on anyone who meets their descriptions. These individuals will be acting in a very suspicious manner, and may well give themselves away by attempting to plug in large numbers of electronic devices to recharge them.

"Should you see any persons or things meeting these descriptions, you are asked to contact the authorities immediately."

[LazyScot]

Scene: The Bat-Escape-Pick-Up is parked off the road, half hidden in some bushes. Opposite it is a very high chain-link fence which glares frighteningly at anyone who even has the audacity to wander near it. In the distance a rough dirt track that gives the impression of carefully tended decay leads up to a collection of long, low buildings surrounded by fields with barely visible dots moving about. Our intrepid band of shoppers are wandering around, save for LazyScot who is sitting in the driving seat, arguing with the Bat-AI.

"Okay, so let's see if I've got this correct. Across the road is the highly secret weapons research establishment of the Knights of Literature, a shadowy, unknown organisation whose avowed aim is to improve the world by eliminating from it all forms of inferior literature, those who write it and those who read it. To that end they have bio-engineered a team of llamas to be expert specialists at infiltration, martial-arts, kidnap, killing and general mayhem. And since I said I wanted some llamas you thought it would be good to get these."

"Yes" replied the BatAI

"I thought you said you where here to help."

"I did. I just didn't say who."

"Look it's all irrelevant, we don't know where the llamas are, how to get to them, or anything. Take us to a pet shop."

"You don't have the money for a pet-shop. I could stop the Fax and print out a set of clear directions to make it easy to get the llamas for free."

"Help" said the invisible Nekokami from behind the blizzard of shopping-list FAXes. "Oh, and they'd like some angora rabbits."

"Alright, alright. Look, what makes you think these llamas are safe, or that we can get the back?"

"Their programming hasn't been completed, so as long as you don't too many trigger words, you should be okay. Also this is a bat-vehicle. This means it is equipped with a large number of bat-devices-to-get-the-script-writer-out-of-the-blind-alley-they've-just-written-themselves-into. Otherwise known as Bat-Plot-Devices. Here's the map and directions."

LazyScot spends sometime studying the directions and tracing them on the map, frowns and glares that the BatAI's screen.

"So basically, you want us to break in through the front-door, run round in circles shooting things up, get captured, get tortured, escape, blow the place up, run out, double back and the collect the llamas from the field that's a few hundred yards down the road."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I don't like the Knights of Literature. They keep trying to eliminate the Batman Franchise. Literally. And it would make life much more exciting."

"Tough! Everyone back in the pick-up. We're driving down the road to the llamas. Hang-on. Has anyone seen the Pandaborg? no... BatAI can you please fax or email or whatever pshrynk and get him to ask them to meet us down the road."

[BookishDreamer]

Originally Posted by LazyScot

Commissioner D has asked members of the public not to approach these individuals nor provide them any assistance whatsoever. However, if possible, members of the public are requested that they open fire on anyone who meets their descriptions. These individuals will be acting in a very suspicious manner, and may well give themselves away by attempting to plug in large numbers of electronic devices to recharge them.

"Should you see any persons or things meeting these descriptions, you are asked to contact the authorities immediately."

Open fire? I always like a nice open fire with a mixture of pine and oak logs. The bright sparks ascending into the night sky make a nice substitute for fireworks. And marshmallows! Love roasting marshmallows over an open fire! Yummy!

Originally Posted by LazyScot

"Okay, so let's see if I've got this correct. Across the road is the highly secret weapons research establishment of the Knights of Literature, a shadowy, unknown organisation whose avowed aim is to improve the world by eliminating from it all forms of inferior literature, those who write it and those who read it. To that end they have bio-engineered a team of llamas to be expert specialists at infiltration, martial-arts, kidnap, killing and general mayhem. And since I said I wanted some llamas you thought it would be good to get these."

"Yes" replied the BatAI

"I thought you said you where here to help."

"I did. I just didn't say who."

Where's Admiral Naismith when we need him?

"Help" said the invisible Nekokami from behind the blizzard of shopping-list FAXes. "Oh, and they'd like some angora rabbits."

Soft and fluffy please.

"Alright, alright. Look, what makes you think these llamas are safe, or that we can get the back?"

"Their programming hasn't been completed, so as long as you don't too many trigger words, you should be okay. Also this is a bat-vehicle. This means it is equipped with a large number of bat-devices-to-get-the-script-writer-out-of-the-blind-alley-they've-just-written-themselves-into. Otherwise known as Bat-Plot-Devices. Here's the map and directions."

Trigger words? Is there a cheat sheet available? I'm afraid I'd mix up the trigger words with our code words. And what if some of the trigger words are the same as our code words? Oh, that'd be even worse.

Dreamer

[LazyScot]

So the Bat-Pickup drives a short way down the road and pulls off, and hides itself in the bushes. Much to the consternation of LazyScot who was driving and just wanted to park at the side of the road and now has to fight his way out of a bunch of bushes.

"Bat-AI, we'll need a Bat-fence cutter."

"Certainly." says the BatAI as one appears from a small draw in the dash. LazyScot takes it, but looks puzzled at the BatAI as he cannot understand why it is not objecting more to the fact that there appears to be no hopelessly futile, but ultimately successful attempt to destroy the Knights of Literature.

"Oh, and you might find these helpful. If you put them in your ears we can stay in touch." continues the BatAI as another draw slides out.

"What on earth...? They look like a bunch of little fis---"

"Don't use that word. Please. It cause me no end of grief. I spend years arguing with copyright lawyers. And that's before the religious people start on me for threatening them. Even a BatAI doesn't want to be stuck in a room-full of lawyers for years on end."

"Understandable", replied LazyScot, "There ought to be a law against it or something"

"okay; let's go herd llamas!"

And with this our band crossed the road and quickly cut through a very disgruntled chain-link fence, and wandered up to the first of the llamas.

"Hello; and how are you? Lovely weather." Said the llama in a beautiful British accent.

A couple of minutes later, after our shoppers had picked themselves and their jaws off the ground, and regained what they called composure, LazyScot responded "We're Very well thanks. Yes, the day has turned out well hasn't it? How come you can speak?"

"Why of course. It was felt that talking llamas would be ideal to inflitrate science fiction conventions. Haven't you been briefed."

"Er...Umm.. We've only just started; we're normally on the umm... rabbit enclosure."

"So why did you cut your way in through the security fence?"

"ummm... we're doing a security test?"

"Ah. So you'll be waiting for the wolves to be appearing and to tear you to shreds, then?"

"Wolves? Bat-AI!"

"Don't worry, I've arranged a diversion to keep them occupied." replied the BatAI in their ears.

"Ahh. A BatAI. That must mean you've been unknowingly co-opted to get us out of here before we fall under the power of the Knights. Why didn't you just say so. Okay chaps, let's go."

"Just one thing. Why are you speaking with a british accent?"

"Convenience and Artistic Integrity. Speak with a british accent and people go weak at the knees and stop thinking; you can get away with murder. Artistic integrity is very important to the knights--the "bad guys" always speak with british accents."

"I must remember not to ask questions. The outside is beginning to seem unsafely mad." LazyScot mutters to himself as everyone heads towards the fence, keeping a nervous eye out for the wolves....

[LazyScot]

Originally Posted by BookishDreamer

Trigger words? Is there a cheat sheet available? I'm afraid I'd mix up the trigger words with our code words. And what if some of the trigger words are the same as our code words? Oh, that'd be even worse.
Dreamer

Chaos and confusion from the wrong word. I'm sure that'll never happend.

[pshrynk]

Huh? What? Talking llamas? Preposterous! Animals can't talk!

Take 10 mg of Abilify and call me in the morning!

$250, please, You can pay the Luddite at the entrance to the supersecret escape tunnel which NekoChan continues to be stubborn about. Coin of the realm only and none of that paper nonsense!

Is there any chocolate?

[nekokami]

Nekokami goes visible again and addresses the Llama with a British accent.

"So... nice field. A bit empty, though."

The llama surveys the field and nods thoughtfully.

"We understand you're intended (eventually) to infiltrate a science fiction convention, and we're here to arrange for your training. We have an extremely silly online forum for you to infiltrate. You'll go in disguised as supply llamas."

The nearby llamas look intrigued. (It's a pretty boring field.)

"Of course, this is a pretty dangerous mission. It's possible not all of you will make it back." Neko winks at the llamas.

They look at each other, pause a moment, then, as one, head for the opening in the fence.

[pshrynk]

Who knew?

[RickyMaveety]

Note to self ... never even think about taking a nap around this place. You just miss waaaaaay too much.

[LazyScot]

Originally Posted by vivaldirules

Rama llama ding-dong
Have you got your MR thong?

:requestspardonformomentarylapseinsanity:

Argghhh. Now I have an image of Grease(*) being done by Pandas. It could be as good as the Bunny Casablanca. Quick; somebody get be the pandaborg's agent....

(*)Sanity warning: the poster actually likes Grease....