Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[wodin]

Originally Posted by Kumabjorn

I thought we were discussing Microsoft Bob.

Uhhh... no, aPple has the patent!

[Fbone]

Victor Borge told a friend that he could tell time by his piano. His friend was incredulous, so Borge volunteered to demonstrate. He pounded out a crashing march. Immediately there came a banging on the wall and a shrill voice screamed, "Stop that noise. Don't you know it's 1:30 in the morning?"

[cromag]

An elderly couple, Lucy and Tom, were recently attending church services at The Villages in Florida.

About halfway through the service, Lucy took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Tom.

The note said, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

Tom scribbled back, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[steven522]

Bobby Joe picks up a stranded motorist on the outskirts of town and agrees to drive him to the local garage so he can get a tow. As they enter town, the motorist is thrown into a panic as Bobby Joe blows through the obviously red traffic signal.

"Oh, don't worry about that," assures Bobby Joe. "My brother does it all the time and he's not had an accident yet."

The same event occurs again and then again and the motorist turns paler with each red signal Bobbie Joe runs. At each nervous inquiry, Bobby Joe continues to answer: "My brother does it all the time."

The motorist is ready to ask to be let out of the vehicle when Bobby Joe abruptly slams on the brake and they slide to a stop at the next signal. Startled, the motorist looks up and sees that the signal is actually green this time. He turns to Bobby Joe and asks him why they have stopped.

"My brother might be coming," Bobby Joe explains.

[orlok]

Darwin Awards 2012

Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up giant finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected (expletive deleted) knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to drop 200 pounds of blockage on top of him.

[pdurrant]

Originally Posted by orlok

Darwin Awards 2012

If was the 2006 awards when snopes looked at this list.

[Fbone]

Vacation spots that are out of the way,
Are much in favor with travelers today;
Some find them by planning trips at great cost,
And others just by getting lost.

[orlok]

A few quotations on "Wives":

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
-David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
-Sigmund Freud

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
-Anonymous

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
-Sam Kinison

[PeterT]

"My God! What Happened to you?" the barman asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, and one arm in plaster.

"I got in a fight with Riley".

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow", the barman said surprised."He must have had something in his hand".

"That he did", Kelly said. "A shovel it was".

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did........Mrs. Riley's left boob". Kelly said, "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight".

[Fbone]

What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
Never lick the spoon.

[pdurrant]

"Of course they do."

"Time reversed owls who?"

"Time reversed owls"

"Who's there?"

"Knock, Knock!"

(SMBC)

[Daithi]

Originally Posted by Fbone

What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
Never lick the spoon.

Karl Scheele agrees completely, but Louis Slotin would like to add that dropping the nuclear bomb is bad too.

[Bookpossum]

For issybird and other Homer fans:

[Daithi]

That joke was epic.

[Bookpossum]

Glad you liked it. It was from a "Punch" magazine a very long time ago. I found it recently while having a clean-out, so I scanned it. I have more that I shall trot out from time to time - you have been warned! But this was my favourite one.