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Old 04-20-2012, 07:46 PM   #4876
Stitchawl
Opsimath
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Quote:
Originally Posted by orlok View Post
..............

"Well at least put the toaster down then," she said.




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Old 04-20-2012, 07:56 PM   #4877
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[QUOTE=orlok;2050639

"Well at least put the toaster down then," she said.[/QUOTE]

Very funny




What is OJ's new web site address?

Slash.slash.backslash.escape
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Old 04-21-2012, 10:24 AM   #4878
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These are actual quotes taken from National government employee performance evaluations:


1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18.. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26.. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
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Old 04-21-2012, 07:36 PM   #4879
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.
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Old 04-21-2012, 11:37 PM   #4880
pdurrant
The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠
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Classic schoolboy joke week? Here's my contribution:

What goes black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and ....?

A penguin rolling downhill.
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Old 04-22-2012, 08:37 AM   #4881
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Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all. “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice. “Ken,” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”
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Old 04-22-2012, 09:17 AM   #4882
red_phoenix
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Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”
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Old 04-22-2012, 10:02 AM   #4883
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Classic schoolboy joke week? Here's my contribution:
Whats Black and White and Red all over?

Spoiler:

A newspaper
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Old 04-22-2012, 02:31 PM   #4884
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
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Old 04-22-2012, 05:02 PM   #4885
pdurrant
The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠
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What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
Well, actually, wrapped bread:

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Old 04-22-2012, 06:07 PM   #4886
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o saeclum infacetum
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Whats Black and White and Red all over?
Spoiler:

A sunburned zebra.
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Old 04-23-2012, 09:41 AM   #4887
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"The Titanic disaster" = "Death, it starts in ice"
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Old 04-23-2012, 10:45 AM   #4888
Daithi
Publishers are evil!
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Two guys are walking down a dark alley when a mugger approaches, whips out a gun, and demands their money.

The guys both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin to take out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill.

"Hey, here's that twenty I owe you..."
The mugger then points the gun at the man who had just been screwed over by his friend and says, "Loan your friend all the money you have on you."
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Old 04-23-2012, 01:54 PM   #4889
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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What's the difference between 'fat chance' and 'slim chance'?
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Old 04-23-2012, 03:24 PM   #4890
Lycoming
Capt Chaos II
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IF you are easily offended by suggestive words look away now......


Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.


Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton: cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bull S**t artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.



OK, you can look back again now.
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