Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[WT Sharpe]

When life gives you lemonade...

[Phogg]

There was man.
And he sat on pie.

Thank you very much.

[silvan4now]

A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.

In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town's football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.

The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, "Buddy, if she went out with me, she'd never go out with you ever again."

To which the local jock replied, "Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again."

[mdap]

Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef but .....

[Fbone]

"I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

[orlok]

A man took his dog to the vet.

"Sorry," said the vet, "but your dog is dead".

Distraught, the man asks the vet for a second opinion---the vet brings in the practice cat.

The cat sniffs around---no response from dog. The vet says "Sorry, but your dog is definitely dead".

The man insists on a third opinion, so the vet brings in the practice labrador. The dog sniffs around---no response from the man's dog.

Reluctantly the man accepts his dog is dead. On the way out, the receptionist gives him a bill for £1000.

"Good grief, what is this for?”

"Well, said the receptionist, "it's £50 for the vet, £300 for the catscan and £600 for the lab report.”

[orlok]

George Howard, the man famous for writing the Hokey Pokey died last week. They had a horrible time at the funeral parlor, first they put his left leg in....

[Ajax]

Marriage - Before and After

Before Marriage:

John - Ah... At last, I can hardly wait!
Jane - Do you want me to leave?
John - NO! Don't even think about it.
Jane - Do you love me?
John - Of course! Always have and always will!
Jane - Have you ever cheated on me?
John - NO! Why are you even asking?
Jane - Will you kiss me?
John - Every chance I get!
Jane - Will you hit me?
John - No! Are you crazy?!
Jane - Can I trust you?
John - Yes
Jane - Darling!

After Marriage:

Read from the bottom back to the top...

[Ajax]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

'Are you the owner?'
The pharmacist answers yes.
Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'

Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'

[Fbone]

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.

[Stitchawl]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," the man replied.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this.. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


Stitchawl

[Stitchawl]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"



Stitchawl

[Daithi]

Two nuns were driving back to the convent when a vampire jumps onto the roof of their car. The nun who was driving says, "Lean out the window and show him your cross."

The other nun leans out the window and yells, "Get the hell off our car you %#$@& vampire!"

[mirandu85]

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my £#!%*&$ cookies!"

[wodin]

£#!%*&$? How much is that in €?