One for the Southerners

DixieGal · 06-18-2008, 09:29 AM

I know, totally inappropriate for a website devoted to books, but we need a tension-breaker:

As someone who drives regularly on all four of the roads mentioned below and drives in rush hour traffic to town every day, I find this to be especially true. :->
>
>
> Subject: Visitor's Guide to Birmingham
>
> I thought this was so funny and so true!!
>
> VISITOR'S GUIDE TO BIRMINGHAM ( Alabama )
>
>
> First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It's 'Bur/min/ham'.
>
> Driving Information: Burmin'ham has its own version of traffic
> rules...
>
> 1. The truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way stop. The
> truck with the biggest tires goes after that.
> (Note: Blue haired ladies driving anything have right-of-way anytime.)
>
> 2. To find anything in the city it is required that you know where
> Malfunction Junction is... which is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning
> and the end. It is one of only two 'cloverleaf' formation interchanges
> in the world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid enough
> to implement it again - Atlanta- making them dumber than we are.
>
> 3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00 AM. The evening rush
> hour is from 3:00 to 7:00 PM. Fr iday's rush hour starts Thursday
> morning a runs thru Saturday Noon. If the term 'merging delays' is
> ever used by the person reporting the traffic, even in passing, call
> in to work and tell them that you will be at least 30 minutes late
> regardless of where you are in your commute.
>
> 4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very
> least) rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
> This applies to male and female drivers alike.
>
> 5. You must know that 'I-459', ' I-59', 'I-20', and 'I-65' are the
> same road they just loop around the city. We think this was a ploy to
> confuse outsiders and discourage visitors after the War of Northern
> Aggression.
>
> 6. Always, always, always, find out if it is a race weekend before you
> get on any of these 'roads' to travel somewhere. If it is a race
> weekend, stay home or go to the races. You won't be going anywhere
> else.
>
> 7. Construction is a permanent fixture in Burmin'ham.
> The barrels are moved around in the m i ddle of the night to make the
> next day's driving bit more exciting.
>
> 8. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs,
> barrels, cones, cows, horses, potholes, cats, armadillos, pieces of
> other cars, opossum, truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, and
> crows or vultures feeding on any of these items.
>
> 9. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
> shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally
> activated'...
>
> 10. The minimum acceptable speed on 'I-65' (see item 5 above) is 85
> mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is Alabama 's
> State Highway sponsored version of NASCAR, especially during rush hour
> (see item 3 above) when it's 85 and everyone in the city is driving at
> once, bumper to bumper. If you are in the left lane and only going 70
> in a 55-65 zone, you are considered a road hazard, and will be treated
> accordingly...
>
> 11. Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in tra ff ic who is
> applying make up, talking on a cell phone, drinking a Diet Coke,
> smoking a Marlboro, and maintaining a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65
> in rush hour traffic. If she is coming from North of Burmin'ham, she
> might be packing. If she coming from South of Burmin'ham, she IS
> packing and is not afraid to use it.
>
>
> Weather Information:
>
> 1. If it's 110 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend
>
> 2. If its 10-20 degrees and sleeting/snowing, then watch out,
> Burmin'ham residents consider this 'demolition derby' day and will be
> all over the roads (front ways, back ways, etc). Please proceed with
> caution, as you could be their next target.
>
>
> Seasonal Information:
>
> 1. If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring.
>
>
> 2. If you need to let the car 'get some air' by standing next to it
> with the doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper body
> inside to crank it and get the air going, it is Summer.
>
> 3. If you are swe ating even with the windows down, driving
> 55 mph, it is Fall.
>
> 4. If you finally turn the AC off and roll your windows up, it is
> Winter.
>
>
> General Information: (and this is very important)
>
> 1. Do not ever speak to anyone during the song ' Sweet Home Alabama
> unless it is to sing along with the lyrics.
> This is like the State Song and will erupt in a brawl if everyone
> doesn't show 'proper respect' to the band who gave us 'Free Bird'.
> This is especially true if alcohol is present. Notice I didn't say
> 'sold at this event' but present.
>
> 2. Yes, we know that Vulcan is mooning the entire city.
> It's not that funny to us anymore.
>
> 3. If you ask someone for a 'coke', they will immediately ask you what
> kind'? This is not a trick question. Tell them what you want: Sprite,
> Dr.Pepper, Root Beer, etc....it's all 'coke'.
>
> 4. All tea is sweet. If it's not sweet, you have crossed the Mason
> Dixon Line and are in the North.
>
> Y'all come back now, y a he ar! !!

BookishDreamer · 06-18-2008, 10:41 AM

I've never traveled to your fair city, but just decided that if I ever do, I'm not driving. I'm hiring a native driver to navigate the madness.

Malfunction Junction sounds as bad as Spaghetti Junction in Atlanta. Thank goodness I don't go there very often.

Dreamer

DixieGal · 06-18-2008, 10:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BookishDreamer

Malfunction Junction sounds as bad as Spaghetti Junction in Atlanta. Thank goodness I don't go there very often.

Dreamer

LOL! Same diff, except at Malfunction Junction, they're not afraid to die. Or murder! Remember a couple of years ago when these 2 gals started road raging, pulled off the side of I-65 right before the Junction in order to continue the fight, and the one pulled out a gun and killed the other for cutting in front of her? Never never ever make eye contact with the person in the next car!

mellina 52 · 06-18-2008, 12:01 PM

I visited Burmin'ham in the 80's when my sister lived there. I enjoyed it very much. You live in a wonderful city DixieGal.

BookishDreamer · 06-19-2008, 08:06 PM

Hey DixieGal!

Found this in Wikipedia....
"A future interchange with Interstate 65 and (future) Interstate 22 in Birmingham, Alabama. The interchange is expected to have 14 bridges, cost $143 million, and be the largest interchange in the U.S. State of Alabama. This interchange is being constructed no less than 2 miles north of the current busiest interchange in Alabama, between Interstate 65 and 20/59 — itself known by the nickname Malfunction Junction."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spaghetti_Junction

Is that right? Malfunction Junction is getting a sibling?

Dreamer

RickyMaveety · 06-19-2008, 08:19 PM

Malfunction Junction,
What's your function?
Screwin' with drivers
and truckers and bikers

(just imagine that I'm singing a bit off key)

06-18-2008, 09:29 AM	#1
DixieGal Hi There! Posts: 7,473 Karma: 2930523 Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Ft Lauderdale Device: iPad	One for the Southerners I know, totally inappropriate for a website devoted to books, but we need a tension-breaker: As someone who drives regularly on all four of the roads mentioned below and drives in rush hour traffic to town every day, I find this to be especially true. :-> > > > Subject: Visitor's Guide to Birmingham > > I thought this was so funny and so true!! > > VISITOR'S GUIDE TO BIRMINGHAM ( Alabama ) > > > First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It's 'Bur/min/ham'. > > Driving Information: Burmin'ham has its own version of traffic > rules... > > 1. The truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way stop. The > truck with the biggest tires goes after that. > (Note: Blue haired ladies driving anything have right-of-way anytime.) > > 2. To find anything in the city it is required that you know where > Malfunction Junction is... which is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning > and the end. It is one of only two 'cloverleaf' formation interchanges > in the world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid enough > to implement it again - Atlanta- making them dumber than we are. > > 3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00 AM. The evening rush > hour is from 3:00 to 7:00 PM. Fr iday's rush hour starts Thursday > morning a runs thru Saturday Noon. If the term 'merging delays' is > ever used by the person reporting the traffic, even in passing, call > in to work and tell them that you will be at least 30 minutes late > regardless of where you are in your commute. > > 4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very > least) rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. > This applies to male and female drivers alike. > > 5. You must know that 'I-459', ' I-59', 'I-20', and 'I-65' are the > same road they just loop around the city. We think this was a ploy to > confuse outsiders and discourage visitors after the War of Northern > Aggression. > > 6. Always, always, always, find out if it is a race weekend before you > get on any of these 'roads' to travel somewhere. If it is a race > weekend, stay home or go to the races. You won't be going anywhere > else. > > 7. Construction is a permanent fixture in Burmin'ham. > The barrels are moved around in the m i ddle of the night to make the > next day's driving bit more exciting. > > 8. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs, > barrels, cones, cows, horses, potholes, cats, armadillos, pieces of > other cars, opossum, truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, and > crows or vultures feeding on any of these items. > > 9. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the > shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally > activated'... > > 10. The minimum acceptable speed on 'I-65' (see item 5 above) is 85 > mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is Alabama 's > State Highway sponsored version of NASCAR, especially during rush hour > (see item 3 above) when it's 85 and everyone in the city is driving at > once, bumper to bumper. If you are in the left lane and only going 70 > in a 55-65 zone, you are considered a road hazard, and will be treated > accordingly... > > 11. Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in tra ff ic who is > applying make up, talking on a cell phone, drinking a Diet Coke, > smoking a Marlboro, and maintaining a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65 > in rush hour traffic. If she is coming from North of Burmin'ham, she > might be packing. If she coming from South of Burmin'ham, she IS > packing and is not afraid to use it. > > > Weather Information: > > 1. If it's 110 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend > > 2. If its 10-20 degrees and sleeting/snowing, then watch out, > Burmin'ham residents consider this 'demolition derby' day and will be > all over the roads (front ways, back ways, etc). Please proceed with > caution, as you could be their next target. > > > Seasonal Information: > > 1. If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring. > > > 2. If you need to let the car 'get some air' by standing next to it > with the doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper body > inside to crank it and get the air going, it is Summer. > > 3. If you are swe ating even with the windows down, driving > 55 mph, it is Fall. > > 4. If you finally turn the AC off and roll your windows up, it is > Winter. > > > General Information: (and this is very important) > > 1. Do not ever speak to anyone during the song ' Sweet Home Alabama > unless it is to sing along with the lyrics. > This is like the State Song and will erupt in a brawl if everyone > doesn't show 'proper respect' to the band who gave us 'Free Bird'. > This is especially true if alcohol is present. Notice I didn't say > 'sold at this event' but present. > > 2. Yes, we know that Vulcan is mooning the entire city. > It's not that funny to us anymore. > > 3. If you ask someone for a 'coke', they will immediately ask you what > kind'? This is not a trick question. Tell them what you want: Sprite, > Dr.Pepper, Root Beer, etc....it's all 'coke'. > > 4. All tea is sweet. If it's not sweet, you have crossed the Mason > Dixon Line and are in the North. > > Y'all come back now, y a he ar! !!

06-18-2008, 10:41 AM	#2
BookishDreamer Cultural Artist Posts: 1,128 Karma: 12829 Join Date: May 2008 Location: Georgia Device: Sony 505, Kindle 2	I've never traveled to your fair city, but just decided that if I ever do, I'm not driving. I'm hiring a native driver to navigate the madness. Malfunction Junction sounds as bad as Spaghetti Junction in Atlanta. Thank goodness I don't go there very often. Dreamer

06-18-2008, 12:01 PM	#4
mellina 52 Enthusiast Posts: 33 Karma: 320201 Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Southeast Virginia Device: Sony PRS-505. IPAD	I visited Burmin'ham in the 80's when my sister lived there. I enjoyed it very much. You live in a wonderful city DixieGal.

06-19-2008, 08:06 PM	#5
BookishDreamer Cultural Artist Posts: 1,128 Karma: 12829 Join Date: May 2008 Location: Georgia Device: Sony 505, Kindle 2	Hey DixieGal! Found this in Wikipedia.... "A future interchange with Interstate 65 and (future) Interstate 22 in Birmingham, Alabama. The interchange is expected to have 14 bridges, cost $143 million, and be the largest interchange in the U.S. State of Alabama. This interchange is being constructed no less than 2 miles north of the current busiest interchange in Alabama, between Interstate 65 and 20/59 — itself known by the nickname Malfunction Junction." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spaghetti_Junction Is that right? Malfunction Junction is getting a sibling? Dreamer

06-19-2008, 08:19 PM	#6
RickyMaveety Holy S**T!!! Posts: 5,213 Karma: 108401 Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: San Diego, California!! Device: Kindle and iPad	Malfunction Junction, What's your function? Screwin' with drivers and truckers and bikers (just imagine that I'm singing a bit off key)