Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[Bookpossum]

Oh orlok, I'd give you karma for that but the machine won't let me. Great joke!

[Fbone]

The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.

[Stitchawl]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.



Stitchawl

[yvanleterrible]

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

Let your guard down there I see!

Personally I can't resist good toilet humor... If its in good taste that is... Let me rephrase that!

[WT Sharpe]

Well, it was a clean joke! But this is the one of his that really cracked me (and my wife) up.

How're you doing these days, Yvan? Did everything ever heal up okay?

[Daithi]

A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods.

The bear says to the rabbit, "Do you ever have problems with, uh, stuff, sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit rolls his eyes and says, "No, I don't have that problem."

So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.


[Every time I see those commercials with the bears and the TP, I have a different image when the bear's mom says "Here use this."]

[Bookpossum]

(This has probably been posted before, but I have just seen it.)

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

[wodin]

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

Well, it was a clean joke! But this is the one of his that really cracked me (and my wife) up.

How're you doing these days, Yvan? Did everything ever heal up okay?

Clean? How could that be without any hand soap?

[orlok]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[Daithi]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!”

The boy goes inside, meets the girls parents, has dinner, and then announces, "Why don't we all stay in tonight and play a game of Monopoly."

As the evening came to a close the girl goes out on to the porch with the boy and angrily says, "I had no idea you would rather play Monopoly than have sex with me!"

The boy responds, "Well I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

[Fbone]

The box said 'Requires Windows 98, or better.' So I bought a Macintosh.

[Lycoming]

If you are easily offended look away know and consider why you opened this thread link.




One winter morning a husband and wife in MINNESOTA were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.
"The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice, that all men who are married to BLOND WOMEN exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"



A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like
some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit
juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl
of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

Again he declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire
for food.

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you
like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm
still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."






Doctor asks pregnant prostitute. "Do you know who the father is?"

Prostitute replies, "Oh! For goodness sakes, if you ate a can of
beans would you know which one made you fart?"






OK, you can look back again.

[Fbone]

The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

[orlok]

Have you seen that film about constipation?

No you wouldn't have, because it hasn't come out yet.

Spoiler:

Apologies for the childish joke - it was told by an 8 year old

[orlok]

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.