Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 289

Lycoming · 12-21-2011, 03:46 PM

If you are so easily offended look away now....

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get screwed ....so we're just waiting.

OK you can look back now.

Pookeysgirl · 12-21-2011, 03:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daithi

I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!

Fbone · 12-22-2011, 03:27 AM

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

Fbone · 12-22-2011, 05:45 PM

A note left for a pianist from his wife: "Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet."

orlok · 12-23-2011, 05:44 AM

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forests Golf Courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

Daithi · 12-23-2011, 08:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forests Golf Courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

Golfers may also be advised that now might be a good time to invite that short fat slow running friend to join you as the fourth member of your party.

DrDln · 12-23-2011, 12:40 PM

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him. "You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?" "What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself. "I think you're bad luck."

Fbone · 12-23-2011, 04:28 PM

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

Ajax · 12-23-2011, 11:30 PM

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

benham · 12-24-2011, 10:17 AM

With the Christmas Season fast approaching, I would like to share
an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know,
some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities
on our way home from the odd social session over the years. Well, I
have done something about it: a couple of nights ago I was out for a
few drinks with some pals and had a few too many whiskeys as well
as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have
been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before -
I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident which
was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and am not
sure where I got this one.

Fbone · 12-24-2011, 03:15 PM

A smart man covers his butt, a wise man leaves his pants on.

wodin · 12-24-2011, 04:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by benham

With the Christmas Season fast approaching, I would like to share
an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know,
some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities
on our way home from the odd social session over the years. Well, I
have done something about it: a couple of nights ago I was out for a
few drinks with some pals and had a few too many whiskeys as well
as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have
been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before -
I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident which
was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and am not
sure where I got this one.

That happened to me once when I was in the Navy and my ship was docked at Roosevelt Roads, Puerto Rico. Only mine was a Marine Corps 2 1/2 ton truck.

Fbone · 12-24-2011, 08:46 PM

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Fbone · 12-26-2011, 01:19 AM

Above all else: Sky.

yvanleterrible · 12-26-2011, 10:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daithi

Golfers may also be advised that now might be a good time to invite that short fat slow running friend to join you as the fourth member of your party.

And if he has that red magic flying sleigh with him the better...

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Add from the Mobile Read Library?	danwdoo	Calibre	8	12-03-2014 06:03 PM
Good Day Eh!! :-)	Gedvondur	Introduce Yourself	12	07-22-2010 12:16 AM
Classic Is there a way to lighten the background?	rlsamson	Barnes & Noble NOOK	3	06-30-2010 04:56 PM
Read-in-Microsoft-Reader 1.1.3 add-in released	Alexander Turcic	Reading and Management	2	02-20-2006 03:47 AM

12-21-2011, 03:46 PM	#4321
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	If you are so easily offended look away now.... It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it? 'Heavens no, we bought it.' 'Then why don't you drive it away.' We can't drive.' Then why did you buy it?' 'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ....so we're just waiting. OK you can look back now.

12-22-2011, 03:27 AM	#4323
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

12-22-2011, 05:45 PM	#4324
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A note left for a pianist from his wife: "Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet."

12-23-2011, 05:44 AM	#4325
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forests Golf Courses. They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

12-23-2011, 12:40 PM	#4327
DrDln Banned Posts: 1,527 Karma: 2349214 Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: Mountain House, CA Device: kindle	Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him. "You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?" "What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself. "I think you're bad luck."

12-23-2011, 04:28 PM	#4328
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

12-23-2011, 11:30 PM	#4329
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

12-24-2011, 10:17 AM	#4330
benham Guru Posts: 882 Karma: 5565888 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Townsend, WI Device: Palm TX, PRS-505 (BLUE)	With the Christmas Season fast approaching, I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. Well, I have done something about it: a couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many whiskeys as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

12-24-2011, 03:15 PM	#4331
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A smart man covers his butt, a wise man leaves his pants on.

12-24-2011, 08:46 PM	#4333
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

12-26-2011, 01:19 AM	#4334
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Above all else: Sky.