Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

Originally Posted by orlok

An American, an Englishman and a Frenchman are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.
- snip -

The American replied: “Tie the Frenchman to my back.”

That reminds me of something that is not really a joke, but it is funny in displaying the various biases and different cultures have toward others:

Ted Nugent was being interviewed by a British journalist Robert Chalmers. The journalist asked, "What do these deer think when they see you coming? 'Here comes the nice guy who puts out our dinner?' Or, 'there's the man that shot my brother?'"

Nugent replied, "I don't think they're capable of either of those thoughts, you Limey asshole. They're only interested in three things: the best place to eat, having sex and how quickly they can run away. Much like the French."

[orlok]

^

[missimpossible]

What do you get if you throw a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat miner.

[Fbone]

A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.

[Fbone]

A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.

[Stitchawl]

Stitchawl

[Daithi]

[orlok]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[Stitchawl]

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall most of the afternoon, when suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had “disappeared.”
Irate, she called her husband’s cell and demanded “where the hell are you ?”

“Darling, remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it; and remember that I didn’t have the money at the time and said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day.”

Somewhat embarrassed and with a blushing smile, she replied “Yes. I remember that my love.”

“Well, I’m in the bar next to that store.”


Stitchawl

[Fbone]

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

[Fbone]

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

[orlok]

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball - don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. all right, let's go up there, apologise and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

[MJK2111]

What's the definition of a sadist?

Someone who is nice to a masochist...

[yhamm]

Some guys from Maine dressed their truck up with a guy spread eagle on the roof of the truck.
The driver and passenger put on Moose Heads. Down the Maine Toll interstate they went causing about 16 accidents.
They went to jail. Maine cops have no sense of humor.

Originally Posted by yhamm

Some guys from Maine dressed their truck up with a guy spread eagle on the roof of the truck.
The driver and passenger put on Moose Heads. Down the Maine Toll interstate they went causing about 16 accidents.
They went to jail. Maine cops have no sense of humor.

Attachment 80152

Well just looking at that photo. Passenger not wearing a seat belt. Though one could argue that the ropes would do. Open containers of alcoholic beverages in car. Wonder if that is Moosehead brand beer? Probable cause to suspect driver of DWI.