Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 279

Hamlet53 · 11-27-2011, 10:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pdurrant

BTW, this joke is by Tim Vine, and came 2nd in the 2011 Edinburgh Fringe funniest joke competition.

I especially like this one:

Quote:

Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

It reminds me of that scene in the film Blazing Saddles.

slussen2 · 11-27-2011, 11:28 AM

Does anyone know whether I can legally post some of the jokes I've seen here on another website? I don't suppose that any of the jokes here are under copyright?!

pdurrant · 11-27-2011, 12:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by slussen2

Does anyone know whether I can legally post some of the jokes I've seen here on another website? I don't suppose that any of the jokes here are under copyright?!

Some are in-copyright, but you're unlikely to be taken to court for copying jokes from one site to another on an individual basis.

PeterT · 11-27-2011, 01:29 PM

Frustration is trying to remove a hard contact lens that has decided to migrate to the outer regions of the eye!

Fbone · 11-27-2011, 08:21 PM

Someone robbed the wig factory. Police have been combing the area for clues.

yvanleterrible · 11-28-2011, 06:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bookpossum

   
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.  

Many humans beat that by a lifetime...

dreams · 11-28-2011, 06:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

Frustration is trying to find your glasses while your wearing them... (said the Voice of Experience.)

Stitchawl

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.

I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

Stitchawl · 11-28-2011, 07:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dreams

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.

I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

Full points for that one, Dreams! It raised a genuine belly laugh!!

Stitchawl

MJK2111 · 11-28-2011, 01:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bookpossum

  
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.  (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

So, does that mean being a male chauvenist pig is now a good thing?

Fbone · 11-28-2011, 02:28 PM

Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let him sleep.

Stitchawl · 11-28-2011, 07:26 PM

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

Stitchawl

PeterT · 11-28-2011, 08:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

Stitchawl

Umm... there is.... Leaning back against the wall in class in grade 7, and discovering you were too far from the wall!

orlok · 11-29-2011, 06:53 AM

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?"

She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

"Have you built a Golf Course too ?"

maianhvk · 11-29-2011, 11:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

Stitchawl

No, there's a worse feeling than that, when you lean your chair back a little, feel very confident, in control and relaxed. Then your friend kicks the chair.

wodin · 11-29-2011, 12:24 PM

With friends like that ...

11-29-2011, 06:53 AM	#4183
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and tree house. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please." "Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs." No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "Have you built a Golf Course too ?" Last edited by orlok; 11-29-2011 at 06:55 AM.

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11-27-2011, 11:28 AM	#4172
slussen2 Enthusiast Posts: 34 Karma: 10 Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Málaga, Spain Device: Kindle Touch	Does anyone know whether I can legally post some of the jokes I've seen here on another website? I don't suppose that any of the jokes here are under copyright?!

11-27-2011, 01:29 PM	#4174
PeterT Grand Sorcerer Posts: 13,535 Karma: 78910202 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Toronto Device: Libra H2O, Libra Colour	Frustration is trying to remove a hard contact lens that has decided to migrate to the outer regions of the eye!

11-27-2011, 08:21 PM	#4175
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Someone robbed the wig factory. Police have been combing the area for clues.

11-28-2011, 02:28 PM	#4180
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let him sleep.

11-28-2011, 07:26 PM	#4181
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. Stitchawl

11-29-2011, 12:24 PM	#4185
wodin Illiterate Posts: 10,279 Karma: 37848716 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: The Sandwich Isles Device: Samsung Galaxy S10+, Microsoft Surface Pro	With friends like that ...