Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 278

Fbone · 11-24-2011, 06:10 PM

Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me".

Ajax · 11-24-2011, 06:56 PM

A drunken man is driving through the city of Dublin and his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?“
“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the man. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

Ajax · 11-24-2011, 07:12 PM

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

Fbone · 11-25-2011, 12:47 PM

Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.

Fbone · 11-26-2011, 04:05 PM

Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.

Bookpossum · 11-26-2011, 05:59 PM

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.  (Hardly seems worth it.)   

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.  (Now that's more like it!)   

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.  (O.M.G.!)
  
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.  (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
   
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)  (But I'm still not over the pig.)
   
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour  (Don't try this at home -maybe at work.)   

The male Preying Mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.  (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)    

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.  (30 minutes..... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
  
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.  (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)   

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.  (I still want to be a pig in my next life. Quality over quantity.)
  
Butterflies taste with their feet.  (Something I always wanted to know.)   

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)
   
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.   (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
  
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.  (Okay... so that would be a good thing.)   

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (Who was paid to figure that one out?)
  
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.  (I know some people like that.)
  
Starfish have no brains.  (I know some people like that, too.)
  
Polar bears are left-handed.  (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)   

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.  (What about that pig??)  

Ajax · 11-26-2011, 07:24 PM

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week.”The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I’ll stay with you and do *Anything* you want.” Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, “What is it?I’ve told you I’m a beautiful Princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The boy said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer.I don’t have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool.”

Stitchawl · 11-26-2011, 09:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bookpossum

The male Preying Mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.  (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)    

I can relate... Not enough blood for two heads at the same time. Explains why I've made sooooooo many mistakes during my bachelorhood.

Stitchawl

dreams · 11-27-2011, 12:41 AM

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Stitchawl · 11-27-2011, 01:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dreams

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses while your wearing them... (said the Voice of Experience.)

Stitchawl

amward · 11-27-2011, 02:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

Frustration is trying to find your glasses while your wearing them... (said the Voice of Experience.)

Stitchawl

Been there, done that!

pdurrant · 11-27-2011, 02:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

I can relate... Not enough blood for two heads at the same time. Explains why I've made sooooooo many mistakes during my bachelorhood.

The 'fact' isn't true, and neither are many of the others.

Stitchawl · 11-27-2011, 03:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pdurrant

The 'fact' isn't true, and neither are many of the others.

For Preying Mantis or for people?

Stitchawl

slussen2 · 11-27-2011, 07:53 AM

Make that a double
Heeny came up to the other guy in the bar and asked if he could buy him a drink. "Certainly," came the reply.
When they were finishing their pints, Heeney asked the fellow where he was from. "Ireland," he said.
Heeney professed surprise at this information, offered that he too was from Ireland and proposed that the man join him in another round. ”I might as well”, came the reply.
Heeney said that he wished to know where in Ireland his boon companion hailed from. ”Dublin”, said the other.
Heeny said that this beggared belief. He too was from Dublin and he now proposed yet another round in honour of that city.
The evening wore on. Heeny confessed to an overwhelming curiosity as to the attendance at school of his fellow Dubliner. "I graduated in '62 from Saint Mary's," replied this gentleman.
Heeny returned that the coincidence was unbelievable, that he too was a pupil at Saint Mary's and graduated in '62. Another round was ordered.
Some time later, one of the regulars came in and sat down at the bar.
"What's new?" he said to the bartender. "Not much," replied the bartender. "The Heeny twins are drunk again."

orlok · 11-27-2011, 08:39 AM

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11-24-2011, 06:10 PM	#4156
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me".

11-24-2011, 06:56 PM	#4157
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	A drunken man is driving through the city of Dublin and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?“ “I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.” “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the man. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

11-24-2011, 07:12 PM	#4158
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

11-25-2011, 12:47 PM	#4159
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.

11-26-2011, 04:05 PM	#4160
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.

11-26-2011, 05:59 PM	#4161
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,146 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.  (Hardly seems worth it.)    If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.  (Now that's more like it!)    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.  (O.M.G.!)    A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.  (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)     A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)  (But I'm still not over the pig.)     Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour  (Don't try this at home -maybe at work.)    The male Preying Mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.  (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)     The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.  (30 minutes..... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)    The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.  (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)    Some lions mate over 50 times a day.  (I still want to be a pig in my next life. Quality over quantity.)    Butterflies taste with their feet.  (Something I always wanted to know.)    The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)     Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.   (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)    Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.  (Okay... so that would be a good thing.)    A cat's urine glows under a black light. (Who was paid to figure that one out?)    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.  (I know some people like that.)    Starfish have no brains.  (I know some people like that, too.)    Polar bears are left-handed.  (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.  (What about that pig??)

11-26-2011, 07:24 PM	#4162
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week.”The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I’ll stay with you and do Anything you want.” Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, “What is it?I’ve told you I’m a beautiful Princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do Anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The boy said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer.I don’t have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool.”

11-27-2011, 12:41 AM	#4164
dreams It's about the umbrella Posts: 25,110 Karma: 56250158 Join Date: Jan 2009 Device: Sony 505\| K Fire \| KK 3G+Wi-Fi \| iPhone 3Gs \|Vista 32-bit Hm Prem w/FF	Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

11-27-2011, 07:53 AM	#4169
slussen2 Enthusiast Posts: 34 Karma: 10 Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Málaga, Spain Device: Kindle Touch	Make that a double Heeny came up to the other guy in the bar and asked if he could buy him a drink. "Certainly," came the reply. When they were finishing their pints, Heeney asked the fellow where he was from. "Ireland," he said. Heeney professed surprise at this information, offered that he too was from Ireland and proposed that the man join him in another round. ”I might as well”, came the reply. Heeney said that he wished to know where in Ireland his boon companion hailed from. ”Dublin”, said the other. Heeny said that this beggared belief. He too was from Dublin and he now proposed yet another round in honour of that city. The evening wore on. Heeny confessed to an overwhelming curiosity as to the attendance at school of his fellow Dubliner. "I graduated in '62 from Saint Mary's," replied this gentleman. Heeny returned that the coincidence was unbelievable, that he too was a pupil at Saint Mary's and graduated in '62. Another round was ordered. Some time later, one of the regulars came in and sat down at the bar. "What's new?" he said to the bartender. "Not much," replied the bartender. "The Heeny twins are drunk again."

11-27-2011, 08:39 AM	#4170
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"