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Old 11-21-2011, 10:36 PM   #4141
Wetdogeared
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I needed a password eight characters long so I picked "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves".
Wouldn't that be seven characters short?
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Old 11-22-2011, 10:57 AM   #4142
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Is that a sandwich?
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"So, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play otherwise?"
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Old 11-23-2011, 06:38 AM   #4143
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I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die when Congress adheres to the ultimate rule of law, the U.S. Constitution."

"You crafty devil, you!" said the fairy.
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Old 11-23-2011, 11:55 AM   #4144
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A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he
looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now
that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh
... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started
Adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the
problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.
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Old 11-23-2011, 01:05 PM   #4145
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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Old 11-23-2011, 02:27 PM   #4146
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Is that a sandwich?
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Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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Old 11-23-2011, 08:26 PM   #4147
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Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
...when laying sideways...
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Old 11-23-2011, 10:02 PM   #4148
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Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
That has a lot of depth.
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Old 11-24-2011, 12:31 AM   #4149
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That has a lot of depth.
I'm taking measure of the jokes today and they have shallowed.

BOb
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Old 11-24-2011, 01:07 AM   #4150
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Quote:
Originally Posted by orlok View Post
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
BTW, this joke is by Tim Vine, and came 2nd in the 2011 Edinburgh Fringe funniest joke competition.
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Old 11-24-2011, 01:13 AM   #4151
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Bah, humbug!
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Ha! I liked the one that came in third:

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."
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Old 11-24-2011, 01:12 PM   #4152
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Exactly where I pinched it from
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Old 11-24-2011, 01:23 PM   #4153
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Two peanuts were walking home late down a dark alley. One was a salted.
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Old 11-24-2011, 03:25 PM   #4154
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Two peanuts were walking home late down a dark alley. One was a salted.
I'm shell shocked by that one!
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Old 11-24-2011, 05:57 PM   #4155
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Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs, phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'just some friends from work, you don’t know them.' I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the golf shop where I bought it?

Thanks

Jim
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