Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 276

Fbone · 11-17-2011, 06:36 PM

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he said, "Get me another beer before it starts!"
She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."

The man sighed and said, "It's started."

Stitchawl · 11-17-2011, 06:50 PM

Stitchawl

orlok · 11-18-2011, 12:44 PM

A man goes into a fish and chip shop with a salmon under his arm.

He asks 'Do you sell fish cakes here?'

'No' was the reply.

'Shame, it's his birthday.'

Fbone · 11-18-2011, 03:45 PM

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

wannabee · 11-18-2011, 08:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

A man goes into a fish and chip shop with a salmon under his arm.

He asks 'Do you sell fish cakes here?'

'No' was the reply.

'Shame, it's his birthday.'

Fbone · 11-19-2011, 12:14 PM

I like the way your mind malfunctions.

Fbone · 11-20-2011, 12:22 AM

I never believe anything until it's been officially denied.

orlok · 11-20-2011, 05:33 AM

This young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

wannabee · 11-20-2011, 07:29 AM

I lived with a scot. We shared a flat. He earned $35 a week and was still able to save money. But don't get me started on the Dutch!

PeterT · 11-20-2011, 09:31 AM

I once heard a definition of a man from Pembrokeshire:

Able to buy from a Jew; sell to a Scot and STILL make a profit!

Fbone · 11-20-2011, 01:28 PM

I prefer to remain anomalous.

Lycoming · 11-21-2011, 07:29 AM

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please", the man says.

The shop assistant climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he would really like two loaves.

After she retrieves the second loaf of bread and descends the ladder, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No,"stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

PeterT · 11-21-2011, 08:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

Where can we find this bakery!

Fbone · 11-21-2011, 02:31 PM

I'm not shy -- I'm studying my prey.

orlok · 11-21-2011, 03:06 PM

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves".

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11-17-2011, 06:36 PM	#4126
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!" The wife sighed and got him a beer. Ten minutes later, he said, "Get me another beer before it starts!" She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!" The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..." The man sighed and said, "It's started."

11-17-2011, 06:50 PM	#4127
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Stitchawl

11-18-2011, 12:44 PM	#4128
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	A man goes into a fish and chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks 'Do you sell fish cakes here?' 'No' was the reply. 'Shame, it's his birthday.'

11-18-2011, 03:45 PM	#4129
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

11-19-2011, 12:14 PM	#4131
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I like the way your mind malfunctions.

11-20-2011, 12:22 AM	#4132
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I never believe anything until it's been officially denied.

11-20-2011, 05:33 AM	#4133
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	This young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

11-20-2011, 07:29 AM	#4134
wannabee Media Bloke Posts: 2,382 Karma: 113956855 Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: NSW - Australia Device: iOS	I lived with a scot. We shared a flat. He earned $35 a week and was still able to save money. But don't get me started on the Dutch!

11-20-2011, 09:31 AM	#4135
PeterT Grand Sorcerer Posts: 13,535 Karma: 78910202 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Toronto Device: Libra H2O, Libra Colour	I once heard a definition of a man from Pembrokeshire: Able to buy from a Jew; sell to a Scot and STILL make a profit!

11-20-2011, 01:28 PM	#4136
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I prefer to remain anomalous.

11-21-2011, 07:29 AM	#4137
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please", the man says. The shop assistant climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he would really like two loaves. After she retrieves the second loaf of bread and descends the ladder, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No,"stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

11-21-2011, 02:31 PM	#4139
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I'm not shy -- I'm studying my prey.

11-21-2011, 03:06 PM	#4140
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	I needed a password eight characters long so I picked "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves".