Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[Quexos]

Are you laughing at Ajax's joke or mine ?

Originally Posted by Kevin8or

[Kevin8or]

Ah, sorry. I missed several posts on the previous page. I was laughing at Ajax's joke.

[orlok]

A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to find a pygmy
standing beside a very large dead beast...

Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?"

The pygmy answered, "Yes."

The hunter then asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge
beast like that?"

Said the pygmy, "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pygmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."

[Fbone]

I'm such a terrible lover, I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.

[Fbone]

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

[Stitchawl]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:


"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter:

"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Chief!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,

"Training for position in United States Congress.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."

This pretty much sums it up.
NOVEMBER 2012 VOTE WISELY


Stitchawl

[Bookpossum]

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

[Fbone]

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0

[kennyc]

[Ajax]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

[Ajax]

A little boy was so exited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother.

He repeated that to his teacher every day, when he came to school, "I'm getting a brother."

One day his mom allowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didn't say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happened to his brother.

He replied, "I think mommy ate him."

[Fbone]

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.

[Lycoming]

Technology

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Australian
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and
came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Aussies, in the weeks that followed, an
American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and, shortly
after, a story was published in the New York Times: "American
archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have
concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network 50 years earlier than the Australians".

One week later, Essex County Council (for you colonial types that's in the SE of England) , reported the following:

After digging down to 30 feet in Colchester, Jack Lucknow, a
self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found “absolutely f**k all”. Jack has therefore concluded that “250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Makes you bloody proud to be British.

[Lycoming]

Two old ladies were sitting on the verandah of their nursing home smoking. It started to rain, Mary reached into her bag, retrieved a condom and a pair of scissors, she snipped the end off the condom, pulled the remainder over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Her friend was astonished asking, "What is that?"

"It's a condom, keeps my cigarettes dry, you can get them at the drug store."

The next day Violet was first in the queue at the counter of the drug store. "A large box of condoms please young man."

Staggered the pharmacist looked at her and asked "How old are you madam?"

"89, why?"

"Well, what size would you prefer?"

"I don't care as long as it fits my camel."

At this point the guy fainted.

[Fbone]

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!