Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 270

Fbone · 11-05-2011, 04:19 AM

I would like to find the person who invented sex and see what he's working on now.

orlok · 11-05-2011, 05:31 AM

There's no business like show business. You imagined the whole thing.

Stitchawl · 11-05-2011, 07:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

I would like to find the person who invented sex and see what he's working on now.

I'm worried that the guy who invented 'Muzak' is working on something else!

Stitchawl

howyoudoin · 11-05-2011, 07:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

I would like to find the person who invented sex and see what he's working on now.

Better not bother him. He's probably got a lot on his hands right now.

Lycoming · 11-05-2011, 08:54 AM

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

Lycoming · 11-05-2011, 12:14 PM

A small boy named Little Johnny got lost in the mall…

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,

“I’ve lost my grandpa!”

The guard asked, “What’s his name?”

“Grandpa.”

The guard smiled, then asked, “What’s he like?”

Little Johnny hesitated for a moment and then replied,

“Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs.”

benham · 11-05-2011, 02:23 PM

I never, ever lost a grandkid in the mall!

WT Sharpe · 11-05-2011, 02:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by benham

I never, ever lost a grandkid in the mall!

Neither have I.

God knows I've tried, but they're tricky little beasts.

poohbear_nc · 11-05-2011, 03:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

Neither have I.

God knows I've tried, but they're tricky little beasts.

When they run out of cash or get hungry, they find you in a hurry!

Ajax · 11-05-2011, 05:16 PM

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Ajax · 11-05-2011, 05:20 PM

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started Writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

Fbone · 11-05-2011, 07:38 PM

I'm still a hot babe, but now it comes in flashes.

Quexos · 11-05-2011, 08:11 PM

This couple is visiting the zoo and at the primate section they stop in front of a cage with a huge male gorilla. The ape seem interested in the female so the guy has an idea. He tells his wife to show a boob to the ape and since there seem to be almost no one around at that time, she accepts. The gorilla at the sight of her nude breast, becomes agitated and starts rattling his cage which amuses them. Then the guys tells his wife to show it both boobs and since no one around is noticing, she does it. The ape now is very agitated, rattles the cage and goes oooh oooh oooh ... Still amused by this, and with no one around noticing, they decide to push this even further and the woman turns around, lifts up her skirt and presents her behind to the ape that now is driven half mad in his cage at the sight before it.
At this point the guy who had noticed that the cage was somehow not locked, suddenly opens it, pushes his wife inside and slams it shut. Then says:
"Now try to explain it how you can't do it cause of your migraines"

Ajax · 11-06-2011, 05:01 PM

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."

Kevin8or · 11-06-2011, 05:12 PM

11-05-2011, 08:11 PM	#4048
Quexos Member Retired Posts: 1,999 Karma: 11348924 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: Limbo Device: none	This couple is visiting the zoo and at the primate section they stop in front of a cage with a huge male gorilla. The ape seem interested in the female so the guy has an idea. He tells his wife to show a boob to the ape and since there seem to be almost no one around at that time, she accepts. The gorilla at the sight of her nude breast, becomes agitated and starts rattling his cage which amuses them. Then the guys tells his wife to show it both boobs and since no one around is noticing, she does it. The ape now is very agitated, rattles the cage and goes oooh oooh oooh ... Still amused by this, and with no one around noticing, they decide to push this even further and the woman turns around, lifts up her skirt and presents her behind to the ape that now is driven half mad in his cage at the sight before it. At this point the guy who had noticed that the cage was somehow not locked, suddenly opens it, pushes his wife inside and slams it shut. Then says: "Now try to explain it how you can't do it cause of your migraines" Last edited by Quexos; 11-05-2011 at 09:58 PM.

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11-05-2011, 04:19 AM	#4036
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I would like to find the person who invented sex and see what he's working on now.

11-05-2011, 05:31 AM	#4037
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	There's no business like show business. You imagined the whole thing.

11-05-2011, 08:54 AM	#4040
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. 'May I see the new baby?' I asked 'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.' Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?' 'No, not yet,' She said. After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?' 'No, not yet,' replied my friend. Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?' 'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me. 'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?' 'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

11-05-2011, 12:14 PM	#4041
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	A small boy named Little Johnny got lost in the mall… He approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!” The guard asked, “What’s his name?” “Grandpa.” The guard smiled, then asked, “What’s he like?” Little Johnny hesitated for a moment and then replied, “Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs.”

11-05-2011, 02:23 PM	#4042
benham Guru Posts: 882 Karma: 5565888 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Townsend, WI Device: Palm TX, PRS-505 (BLUE)	I never, ever lost a grandkid in the mall!

11-05-2011, 05:16 PM	#4045
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

11-05-2011, 05:20 PM	#4046
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started Writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

11-05-2011, 07:38 PM	#4047
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I'm still a hot babe, but now it comes in flashes.

11-06-2011, 05:01 PM	#4049
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."

11-06-2011, 05:12 PM	#4050
Kevin8or Guru Posts: 977 Karma: 43409226 Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Bay Area, CA Device: Kindle 3