Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 250

Fbone · 10-01-2011, 08:56 PM

You laugh because I'm different; I laugh because you're all the same.

Bookpossum · 10-02-2011, 06:53 PM

WHY TEACHERS DRINK:

Q: Briefly explain what hard water is.
A: Ice.

Q: What is a nitrate?
A: Much cheaper than a day rate.

Q: What was Sir Walter Raleigh famous for?
A: He is a noted figure in history because he invented cigarettes and started a craze for bicycles.

Q: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
A: Unusual names.

Q: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
A: Learning to speak Latin.

Q: Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic.
A: Two polar bears. Four seals.

Q: How does Romeo's character develop throughout the play?
A: It doesn't, it's just self, self, self, all the way through.

Q: Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the underworld.
A: Mrs Orpheus.

Q: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom.

Q: What happens during puberty to a boy?
A: He says goodbye to his childhood and enters adultery.

Q: What is the meaning of the word 'varicose'?
A: Close by.

Q: What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register?
A: Mariah Carey.

Q: What is a fibula?
A: A little lie.

Q: Explain the phrase 'free press'.
A: When your mum irons trousers for you.

Q: Why would living close to a mobile phone mast cause ill health?
A: You might walk into it.

Q: Joanna works in an office. Her computer is a stand-alone system. What is a stand-alone system?
A: It doesn't come with a chair.

Q: Steve is driving his car. He is travelling at 60 feet/second and the speed limit is 40 mph. Is Steve speeding?
A: He could find out by checking his speedometer.

Q: What is a vibration:
A: There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960s.

Q: Where was Hadrian's Wall built?
A: Around Hadrian's garden.

Q: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
A: Malaria.

Fbone · 10-02-2011, 10:10 PM

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

PeterT · 10-03-2011, 12:03 AM

Cat and Mice in Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals on wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

Daithi · 10-03-2011, 01:20 AM

A fellow dies and goes to heaven and God says, "John, you've lived a good life and throughout your life you've always remained faithful to your wife. As a reward you can have your pick of cars to drive around in up here in heaven."

John said, "Oh my, I've always dreamed of having a Bentley." No sooner had the words left his mouth before God gave him a Bentley, and John began driving around looking for his wife who had passed away a year earlier.

The next day God came upon John, and he was crying uncontrollably. God asked, "What seems to be the problem John, are you not happy here in heaven?"

To which John replied, "I can't believe it, but I just passed my late wife-- and she was driving a 1973 Pinto".

Fbone · 10-03-2011, 12:49 PM

You remind me of opium...a slow working dope.

yvanleterrible · 10-03-2011, 08:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

You remind me of opium...a slow working dope.

Pffff!

wodin · 10-03-2011, 09:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joybells

the seagull sandwich story is indeed true. Perhaps, if we had known of the lack of gulls in Hawaii, we could have exported sedated seagulls to the USA

Just what we need, a bunch of flying rats with Ausie accents!

Joybells · 10-04-2011, 04:53 AM

no Wodin, they would have had Kiwi accents, which is twice as bad as Strine. At least people talking Strine use all the vowel sounds (not always in the right place) - in Kiwi, the accent uses only one vowel for everything.

Fbone · 10-04-2011, 08:41 AM

You should always write your name on your underwear. See, I'm Machine Wash Cold.

wodin · 10-04-2011, 01:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joybells

no Wodin, they would have had Kiwi accents, which is twice as bad as Strine. At least people talking Strine use all the vowel sounds (not always in the right place) - in Kiwi, the accent uses only one vowel for everything.

I recall a few years ago attending an international convention where there were several Kiwis and a number of Aussies from several Australian states. My admittedly untrained ear was unable to discerned a difference.

Spoiler:

Daithi · 10-04-2011, 03:18 PM

I was skiing in California and my sister heard one of the ski instructors speaking, and she asked if he was from Australia. He seemed quite taken aback as he informed her that he was from New Zealand. I remember laughing to myself at the time, because this was all lost on my sister who who has also been known to confuse Australia with Austria.

Stitchawl · 10-04-2011, 07:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wodin

I recall a few years ago attending an international convention where there were several Kiwis and a number of Aussies from several Australian states. My admittedly untrained ear was unable to discerned a difference.

Discern a difference? I can't understand either of them equally!
But anyway, isn't New Zealand just a suburb of Australia?

Spoiler:

Stitchawl

Bookpossum · 10-04-2011, 08:14 PM

I hope there aren't any New Zealanders reading this!

Speaking of accents, some years ago I was with my husband on a very good organised tour of the canyon country in the US. There were two young Australian women also on the trip and on the last evening, we were sitting talking to them. One of the Americans also on the tour stopped by our table to say hello and said "I love your accents."

To which of course we all chorused, "We don't have an accent. You're the one with an accent!"

Joybells · 10-04-2011, 09:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wodin

I recall a few years ago attending an international convention where there were several Kiwis and a number of Aussies from several Australian states. My admittedly untrained ear was unable to discerned a difference.

Spoiler:

Aaah - I can comment on the Kiwi accent as I am a Kiwi, and also a speech teacher! I can detect some of the regional accents within Kiwi - the Scottish burr of the original settlers in the Otago accent at the bottom of the South Island, and the infuence of Samoan in the Auckland accent at the top of the North Island. Maori speakers have their own English accent as well, which also influences the rest of the population.

Admittedly, Kiwi and Strine are alike - as the American and Canadian accents are alike (to us). But each has its 'shibboleth", as in the Canadian "out - oot".

Kiwis don't use a clear "i" sound as in 'bit'. They pronounce it rather like 'but', with a flat vowel sound. They would say "vusual sumphony" rather than "visual symphony", and an Australian Sydneysider would say "veesual seemphony".

Kiwis also have lost the ability to distinguish between the 'eer' and 'air' sounds. When I asked my students to give me as many meanings for a word as they could remember, I used the spoken word "peer", (which could also be spelled "pier" ). To my astonishment, all 54 students I had that week started by stating that a "peer" was a fruit you could eat. Not one of them mentioned looking at something closely, or tying up a boat. And they couldn't distinguish between my carefully enunciated "peer" and "pair"

They also transpose the 'eer' and 'air' sounds. So, you'll find that pilots in the NZ 'ear' force can suffer from 'air' ache.

So, each country, and area within a country, develops its own accent in a hundred years or so, and not one of them is right or wrong, just different. And to each country, other accents are attractive or not. Usually the French accent is considered very attractive by any English, but apparently the Spanish don't like the French accent (presumably when the French are speaking Spanish).

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10-01-2011, 08:56 PM	#3736
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You laugh because I'm different; I laugh because you're all the same.

10-02-2011, 06:53 PM	#3737
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,146 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	WHY TEACHERS DRINK: Q: Briefly explain what hard water is. A: Ice. Q: What is a nitrate? A: Much cheaper than a day rate. Q: What was Sir Walter Raleigh famous for? A: He is a noted figure in history because he invented cigarettes and started a craze for bicycles. Q: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common? A: Unusual names. Q: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements. A: Learning to speak Latin. Q: Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic. A: Two polar bears. Four seals. Q: How does Romeo's character develop throughout the play? A: It doesn't, it's just self, self, self, all the way through. Q: Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the underworld. A: Mrs Orpheus. Q: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed? A: At the bottom. Q: What happens during puberty to a boy? A: He says goodbye to his childhood and enters adultery. Q: What is the meaning of the word 'varicose'? A: Close by. Q: What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register? A: Mariah Carey. Q: What is a fibula? A: A little lie. Q: Explain the phrase 'free press'. A: When your mum irons trousers for you. Q: Why would living close to a mobile phone mast cause ill health? A: You might walk into it. Q: Joanna works in an office. Her computer is a stand-alone system. What is a stand-alone system? A: It doesn't come with a chair. Q: Steve is driving his car. He is travelling at 60 feet/second and the speed limit is 40 mph. Is Steve speeding? A: He could find out by checking his speedometer. Q: What is a vibration: A: There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960s. Q: Where was Hadrian's Wall built? A: Around Hadrian's garden. Q: The race of people known as Malays come from which country? A: Malaria.

10-02-2011, 10:10 PM	#3738
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

10-03-2011, 12:03 AM	#3739
PeterT Grand Sorcerer Posts: 13,535 Karma: 78910202 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Toronto Device: Libra H2O, Libra Colour	Cat and Mice in Heaven A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.' The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.' God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.' God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?' The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals on wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

10-03-2011, 01:20 AM	#3740
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	A fellow dies and goes to heaven and God says, "John, you've lived a good life and throughout your life you've always remained faithful to your wife. As a reward you can have your pick of cars to drive around in up here in heaven." John said, "Oh my, I've always dreamed of having a Bentley." No sooner had the words left his mouth before God gave him a Bentley, and John began driving around looking for his wife who had passed away a year earlier. The next day God came upon John, and he was crying uncontrollably. God asked, "What seems to be the problem John, are you not happy here in heaven?" To which John replied, "I can't believe it, but I just passed my late wife-- and she was driving a 1973 Pinto".

10-03-2011, 12:49 PM	#3741
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You remind me of opium...a slow working dope.

10-04-2011, 04:53 AM	#3744
Joybells reddit, reddit, reddit Posts: 184 Karma: 405760 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Gold Coast, Queensland, Oz Device: Kobo Touch	no Wodin, they would have had Kiwi accents, which is twice as bad as Strine. At least people talking Strine use all the vowel sounds (not always in the right place) - in Kiwi, the accent uses only one vowel for everything.

10-04-2011, 08:41 AM	#3745
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You should always write your name on your underwear. See, I'm Machine Wash Cold.

10-04-2011, 03:18 PM	#3747
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	I was skiing in California and my sister heard one of the ski instructors speaking, and she asked if he was from Australia. He seemed quite taken aback as he informed her that he was from New Zealand. I remember laughing to myself at the time, because this was all lost on my sister who who has also been known to confuse Australia with Austria.

10-04-2011, 08:14 PM	#3749
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,146 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	I hope there aren't any New Zealanders reading this! Speaking of accents, some years ago I was with my husband on a very good organised tour of the canyon country in the US. There were two young Australian women also on the trip and on the last evening, we were sitting talking to them. One of the Americans also on the tour stopped by our table to say hello and said "I love your accents." To which of course we all chorused, "We don't have an accent. You're the one with an accent!"