Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[Graham Coulson]

A lady had a pet dog, which was one of those tiny Chihuahuas.

Sadly one day, its hair began to fall out and so she went to her local chemist and asked him if he had anything to stop hair falling out.

“Certainly, madam,” he said, as he took down a pot of ointment from a shelf.

“Rub this in for two days; but after that there must be no friction, so don’t wear a hat for a fortnight.”

“Oh,” said the lady, “it’s not for my hair, it’s for my Chihuahua.”

“In that case,” said the chemist, “don’t ride a bike for a week.”

[PeterT]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus,I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it...

[astra]

Originally Posted by Graham Coulson

A lady had a pet dog, which was one of those tiny Chihuahuas.

Sadly one day, its hair began to fall out and so she went to her local chemist and asked him if he had anything to stop hair falling out.

“Certainly, madam,” he said, as he took down a pot of ointment from a shelf.

“Rub this in for two days; but after that there must be no friction, so don’t wear a hat for a fortnight.”

“Oh,” said the lady, “it’s not for my hair, it’s for my Chihuahua.”

“In that case,” said the chemist, “don’t ride a bike for a week.”

I HAD to google it, the 12th did it

[Lycoming]

A sweet grandmother telephoned
St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me
how a patient is doing?"
The operator said,
"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
"Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied,
"Let me put you on hold while I check with the
nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the
phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that
Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine;
her blood work just came back normal and her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be
discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,
"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh*t."

[Bookpossum]

Newspaper Headlines (another one via email)

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
(This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.)

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
(Really? Ya think?)

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
(Now that's taking things a bit far!)

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
(What a guy!)

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
(No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!)

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
(See if that works any better than a fair trial!)

War Dims Hope for Peace
(I can see where it might have that effect!)

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
(Ya think?!)

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
(Who would have thought!)

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
(They may be on to something!)

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
(You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
(He probably IS the battery charge!)

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
(Weren't they fat enough?!)

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
(Do they taste like chicken?)

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
(Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
(Boy, are they tall!)

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
(Did I read that right?)

[Fbone]

God heals, and the Doctor takes the fee.

[Lycoming]

This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit . Bob was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Bob asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit, there are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."
Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

[MJK2111]

Originally Posted by Graham Coulson

A lady had a pet dog, which was one of those tiny Chihuahuas.

Sadly one day, its hair began to fall out and so she went to her local chemist and asked him if he had anything to stop hair falling out.

“Certainly, madam,” he said, as he took down a pot of ointment from a shelf.

“Rub this in for two days; but after that there must be no friction, so don’t wear a hat for a fortnight.”

“Oh,” said the lady, “it’s not for my hair, it’s for my Chihuahua.”

“In that case,” said the chemist, “don’t ride a bike for a week.”

OK, no need to go any further...Graham wins!

[dreams]

Originally Posted by Lycoming

<snip>

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

[Fbone]

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[wodin]

Originally Posted by Fbone

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Don't tell my wife!

[PeterT]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." He sighed... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box..."

[PeterT]

Postcard from one Redneck to another:


Dear Billy Jo, I'm writin' this real slow cause I know you can't read very fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. We read in the paper that most accidents happen within ten miles of home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you our new address cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day mama put four shirts in, pulled the chain and we ain't seen them since.

...

It only rained here twice this week. Three days the first time and five days the second time.

I know it is cold where you are so we're sending you a coat. Mama said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with them buttons on it, so we cut'em off and put'em in the pockets.

We got a letter from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on grandma's funeral bill, up she comes!!

My sister had a baby this morning. I ain't heard whether if's a boy or a girl so I don't know if I'm an uncle or an aunt.

Uncle John fell in the big whiskey vat. When they tried to pull him out, he fought them off, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of my friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving, the other two was in the back. The driver got out cause he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Well, I hope this catches you up on things that's going on around here!!

Your cuz, Bubba

[pilotbob]

Originally Posted by Fbone

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

A house is nothing more than a place to keep your stuff, while you go out and get more stuff!

BOb

[Stitchawl]

Originally Posted by pilotbob

A house is nothing more than a place to keep your stuff, while you go out and get more stuff!

BOb

Quote from J.P. Sartre..."The past is a landlord's luxury."



Stitchawl