Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 246

Graham Coulson · 09-24-2011, 09:36 AM

A man went into a pub in the heart of the West End of London.

“Good evening, sir,” said the landlord. “What would you like to drink?”

“A large whisky, thank you.”

The landlord poured him his drink and said, “That’ll be £4.75 please.”

“Oh no,” said the man. “I distinctly recall you inviting me to have a drink with you. I thought it was very kind of you.”

The landlord turned to another customer, who was a solicitor, and asked for support. The solicitor said that he was sorry but the landlord had definitely made the offer and the man had accepted it, so he did not have to pay.

The landlord was furious and turned the man out of the pub, telling him never to come back again. But about ten minutes later the man reappeared.

“I thought I told you never to come back?” said the landlord.

“I’ve never been here before in my life,” said the man.

“The you must have a double,” said the landlord.

“Thank you very much, I will and I’m sure our solicitor friend would like one too.”

WT Sharpe · 09-24-2011, 09:58 AM

Three boys were bragging on how fast their dads were.

"My father's so fast that he can outrace a horse," said the first.

"Well, my father's so fast he can outrace a speeding bullet!" replied the second.

"That's nothing," said the third. "My dad works for the government and he's faster than light. He gets off work every day at four o'clock, and he's home by three."

Graham Coulson · 09-24-2011, 10:26 AM

A British Army officer was appointed to be Military Attaché in Moscow.

He had to attend a lot of official functions. At one of them, he sat next to a gorgeous young blonde – the only really beautiful girl he had seen since he had arrived in Russia. After a few vodkas, the officer began to chat up the blonde, who seemed to encourage him with a smile. A little later, he got a bit daring and put his hand on her knee. She smiled sweetly at him. Thus encouraged, he ran his hand up the inside of her thigh. This time she didn’t smile but hastily wrote something on the menu and handed it to him. It read:

“Careful how you go from now on” – signed Carruthers, MI5.

Daithi · 09-24-2011, 01:09 PM

Deleted by moderator due to inappropriate content.

astra · 09-24-2011, 01:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daithi

Deleted by moderator due to inappropriate content.

I knew it! I knew where it was heading...

Spoiler:

HarryT · 09-24-2011, 02:14 PM

Moderator Notice
A reminder to all that MobileRead is a "family friendly" site and that sexually explicit content is completely inappropriate.

Thank you.

Daithi · 09-24-2011, 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by astra

I knew it! I knew where it was heading...

Spoiler:

I wish I had known where it was headed.

Daithi · 09-24-2011, 02:17 PM

Sorry Harry.

astra · 09-24-2011, 02:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daithi

I wish I had known where it was headed.

That ending was not on mind

astra · 09-24-2011, 03:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Very good! I cannot sneak one past you. Here are a couple of my favorites:

Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.

A woman will doubt everything you say except it be compliments to herself.

We work to become, not to acquire.

I cannot pretend to be that smart

This quote is No. 2 on my Goodreads list of favourite quotes

Guess what is No. 1?

Lycoming · 09-24-2011, 04:04 PM

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuc* out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Afghan counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

astra · 09-24-2011, 04:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuc* out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Afghan counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

It reminded me of

Quote:

“Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don’t seem so bad lately.”
― Scott Adams

Fbone · 09-24-2011, 05:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by astra

I cannot pretend to be that smart

This quote is No. 2 on my Goodreads list of favourite quotes

Guess what is No. 1?

Can you provide a clue? My foolishness has reached 6 minutes already.

Fbone · 09-24-2011, 05:28 PM

God created man before woman... there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

astra · 09-24-2011, 05:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Can you provide a clue? My foolishness has reached 6 minutes already.

Roughly the same idea and you can see it every time you read my post*.

*not the idea of infinite stupidity (I hope)

09-24-2011, 09:36 AM	#3676
Graham Coulson Magic mushroom tester Posts: 91 Karma: 1794762 Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Burgundy, France Device: iPad 2	Double offer A man went into a pub in the heart of the West End of London. “Good evening, sir,” said the landlord. “What would you like to drink?” “A large whisky, thank you.” The landlord poured him his drink and said, “That’ll be £4.75 please.” “Oh no,” said the man. “I distinctly recall you inviting me to have a drink with you. I thought it was very kind of you.” The landlord turned to another customer, who was a solicitor, and asked for support. The solicitor said that he was sorry but the landlord had definitely made the offer and the man had accepted it, so he did not have to pay. The landlord was furious and turned the man out of the pub, telling him never to come back again. But about ten minutes later the man reappeared. “I thought I told you never to come back?” said the landlord. “I’ve never been here before in my life,” said the man. “The you must have a double,” said the landlord. “Thank you very much, I will and I’m sure our solicitor friend would like one too.”

09-24-2011, 09:58 AM	#3677
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	Three boys were bragging on how fast their dads were. "My father's so fast that he can outrace a horse," said the first. "Well, my father's so fast he can outrace a speeding bullet!" replied the second. "That's nothing," said the third. "My dad works for the government and he's faster than light. He gets off work every day at four o'clock, and he's home by three." Last edited by WT Sharpe; 09-24-2011 at 10:00 AM.

09-24-2011, 10:26 AM	#3678
Graham Coulson Magic mushroom tester Posts: 91 Karma: 1794762 Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Burgundy, France Device: iPad 2	A bit of a Handful A British Army officer was appointed to be Military Attaché in Moscow. He had to attend a lot of official functions. At one of them, he sat next to a gorgeous young blonde – the only really beautiful girl he had seen since he had arrived in Russia. After a few vodkas, the officer began to chat up the blonde, who seemed to encourage him with a smile. A little later, he got a bit daring and put his hand on her knee. She smiled sweetly at him. Thus encouraged, he ran his hand up the inside of her thigh. This time she didn’t smile but hastily wrote something on the menu and handed it to him. It read: “Careful how you go from now on” – signed Carruthers, MI5.

09-24-2011, 01:09 PM	#3679
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	Deleted by moderator due to inappropriate content. Last edited by HarryT; 09-24-2011 at 02:13 PM.

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09-24-2011, 02:14 PM	#3681
HarryT eBook Enthusiast Posts: 85,560 Karma: 93980341 Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis 2, iPad Pro 10.5", iPhone 6	Moderator Notice A reminder to all that MobileRead is a "family friendly" site and that sexually explicit content is completely inappropriate. Thank you.

09-24-2011, 02:17 PM	#3683
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	Sorry Harry.

09-24-2011, 04:04 PM	#3686
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuc* out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Afghan counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

09-24-2011, 05:28 PM	#3689
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,313 Karma: 103930826 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	God created man before woman... there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.