Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 245

Fbone · 09-20-2011, 05:04 PM

My wife is so ugly... a cannibal took one look at her and ordered salad.

My wife says my lovemaking is like a news bulletin. Brief, unexpected and usually a disaster.

My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron clothes.

Fbone · 09-20-2011, 10:04 PM

A couple more "wife" jokes and it will be out of my system ...

My wife went shopping for a feminine protection product. She decided on a thirty eight revolver.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

badgoodDeb · 09-21-2011, 02:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron clothes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

My wife went shopping for a feminine protection product. She decided on a thirty eight revolver.

I love these two!! As a female, I'm all for them!

Fbone · 09-21-2011, 09:05 PM

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Bookpossum · 09-21-2011, 11:54 PM

Just got this one in an email.

ECONOMICS EXPLAINED:

SOCIALISM
You have two cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have two cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk..

FASCISM
You have two cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have two cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why your cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows..
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow but produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have two cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you, but you get to charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation, and run him
Over with a tank in a large open square area.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the hell out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

marino.DV · 09-22-2011, 06:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RWood

The widow said, "But I called a comic as soon as he had chest pains, but it was too late." Thus proving that humor is not always the best med

Seriously ?!

)

Format C: · 09-22-2011, 06:34 AM

MODERN CAPITALISM
You have two cows, milk them and sell your milk overseas.
You open a loan with a Bank to import milk from Vietnam at a higher price, giving your grassland as a collateral.
If, by the end of the year, you have less than 200 cows, you're not able to pay your debt, you lose yoru land to the Bank, and you file for bankruptcy. And national GDP drops, so the money for your welfare is given to the Bank by the Government.

wannabee · 09-22-2011, 10:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Format C:

MODERN CAPITALISM
You have two cows, milk them and sell your milk overseas.
You open a loan with a Bank to import milk from Vietnam at a higher price, giving your grassland as a collateral.
If, by the end of the year, you have less than 200 cows, you're not able to pay your debt, you lose yoru land to the Bank, and you file for bankruptcy. And national GDP drops, so the money for your welfare is given to the Bank by the Government.

Ironing

9 Iron

Oh! maybe I mean irony. Ah well, who cares. I can download stuff.

Fbone · 09-22-2011, 05:11 PM

Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards in high heels.

astra · 09-23-2011, 10:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Elbert Hubbard

Ajax · 09-23-2011, 06:45 PM

Last night I took the wife out and we passed a really posh restaurant.

What do you think of this place, I said? She replied the food smells fantastic.

I thought why not give her a treat. So I turned round and walked past it again

Fbone · 09-23-2011, 06:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by astra

Elbert Hubbard

Very good! I cannot sneak one past you. Here are a couple of my favorites:

Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.

A woman will doubt everything you say except it be compliments to herself.

We work to become, not to acquire.

Ajax · 09-23-2011, 06:49 PM

Husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in cart.
Wife barks, "What do you think you're doing?"
The husband replies, "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans."
The wife says, "Put them back, we can't afford them."

A few aisles further the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream & puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
The wife says, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful."

Her husband fires back, "So do 24 cans of beer & they're half the price!

Fbone · 09-23-2011, 06:49 PM

Give a woman an inch and she thinks she's a ruler.

PeterT · 09-24-2011, 04:15 AM

After this weeks discovery of speeding particles.....

Quote:

“We don’t allow faster-than-light neutrinos in here,” said the bartender.

A neutrino walks into a bar.

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09-20-2011, 05:04 PM	#3661
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,312 Karma: 102338360 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	My wife is so ugly... a cannibal took one look at her and ordered salad. My wife says my lovemaking is like a news bulletin. Brief, unexpected and usually a disaster. My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron clothes.

09-20-2011, 10:04 PM	#3662
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,312 Karma: 102338360 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A couple more "wife" jokes and it will be out of my system ... My wife went shopping for a feminine protection product. She decided on a thirty eight revolver. My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

09-21-2011, 09:05 PM	#3664
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,312 Karma: 102338360 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

09-21-2011, 11:54 PM	#3665
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,146 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	Just got this one in an email. ECONOMICS EXPLAINED: SOCIALISM You have two cows. You give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM You have two cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.. FASCISM You have two cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. NAZISM You have two cows. The State takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away. CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. SURREALISM You have two giraffes. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why your cow has dropped dead. A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows.. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow but produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide. A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have two cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you, but you get to charge the owners for storing them. A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation, and run him Over with a tank in a large open square area. AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them. A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad. AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the hell out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy. A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive. AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

09-22-2011, 06:34 AM	#3667
Format C: Guru Posts: 753 Karma: 1496807 Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: The Third World Device: iLiad + PRS-505 + Kindle 3	MODERN CAPITALISM You have two cows, milk them and sell your milk overseas. You open a loan with a Bank to import milk from Vietnam at a higher price, giving your grassland as a collateral. If, by the end of the year, you have less than 200 cows, you're not able to pay your debt, you lose yoru land to the Bank, and you file for bankruptcy. And national GDP drops, so the money for your welfare is given to the Bank by the Government.

09-22-2011, 05:11 PM	#3669
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,312 Karma: 102338360 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards in high heels.

09-23-2011, 06:45 PM	#3671
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	Last night I took the wife out and we passed a really posh restaurant. What do you think of this place, I said? She replied the food smells fantastic. I thought why not give her a treat. So I turned round and walked past it again

09-23-2011, 06:49 PM	#3673
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	Husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in cart. Wife barks, "What do you think you're doing?" The husband replies, "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans." The wife says, "Put them back, we can't afford them." A few aisles further the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream & puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. The wife says, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful." Her husband fires back, "So do 24 cans of beer & they're half the price!

09-23-2011, 06:49 PM	#3674
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,312 Karma: 102338360 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Give a woman an inch and she thinks she's a ruler.