Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[Stitchawl]

Originally Posted by pdurrant

Here's a joke by Tim Vine

Crime in multi-storey car parks.

Spoiler:

That is wrong on so many different levels.

That's actually rather good. I take back everything I said.


Stitchawl

[Stitchawl]

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well,
there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However
every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies
invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that
no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad
scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic
mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an
Evil Overlord:

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not
kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on
the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons
of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,
``Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?'' My reply will
be, ``No, just sensible.''

8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, ``Look, before you
kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?'' I'll say,
``No.'' and shoot him.

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three
weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried
out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
labelled ``Danger: Do Not Push''.

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no
need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my
weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an
accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't
believe it.

15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word
``mercy''; I simply choose not show them any.

16. One of my advisers will be an average five-year-old child. Any
flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the
bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any
accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
aforementioned
disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as
members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military
boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
other form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I
find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to
activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his
plan into operation.

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently
twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's
caused.

22. I will never utter the sentence ``But before I kill you, there's
just one thing I want to know.''

23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
their advice.

24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal
distraction at a crucial point in time.

25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray
her own father.

26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to
accordingly.

27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original
uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs
that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or
savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my
troops to have a more positive mind-set.

28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I
will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my
troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to
neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy
weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of
savages armed with spears and rocks.

30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at
least I will never utter the line ``No, this cannot be! I AM
INVINCIBLE!!!'' (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any
sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one
small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am
fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously
allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play;
rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will easily be able
to dispatch him.

33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,
there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to
kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent
to my bedchamber.


Stitchawl

[pdurrant]

And a joke by Nick Helm

I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked

Spoiler:

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

[WT Sharpe]

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

Can we ask a Moderator to censure pdurrant? Or take up a collection and buy him some 'real' jokes?


Stitchawl

I'll take it up with the team!

Maybe we need something about elephants in the Posting Guidelines.

[Bookpossum]

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5.45 pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

LESSON: Never, never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

[wannabee]

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

I've noticed that
no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad
scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic
mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an
Evil Overlord: ----------->snip

Stitchawl

That sounds like a boss I had once. I used my powers of good against her and quit while I was ahead. It spoiled her evil plan to fire me. I still say hello to her in the street even though she tries to ignore me. Revenge with a smile!

[Ben Thornton]

What do you call a friend with an elephant on his head?

Spoiler:

A flatmate

How do you know when you've passed an elephant?

Spoiler:

You can't get the toilet seat down

How do you make an elephant fly?

Spoiler:

With a massive zip

[PeterT]

Originally Posted by Ben Thornton

How do you know when you've passed an elephant?

Spoiler:

You can't get the toilet seat down

I cringed when I read that!

[Lycoming]

The Psychiatrist & The Proctologist


Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided

that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice

together to share office space and personnel.


Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put

up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The

town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and
Hemorrhoids". This was also

not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" -

thumbs down again..

Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" -

unacceptable again!


So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.


"Nuts and Butts" - no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.

"Loons and Moons" - forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends".

[MJK2111]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Spoiler:

Hell if I know

What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants in the distance?

Spoiler:

“Look, a herd of elephants in the distance!”

What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants with sunglasses?

Spoiler:

Nothing. He didn’t recognize them.

Why did the elephant cross the road?

Spoiler:

It was the chicken’s day off.

and finally...

What was the elephant doing on the freeway?

Spoiler:

About 5 miles per hour.

[Daithi]

A man goes to his proctologist and as the exam begins a nurse walks into the room carrying a silver platter containing a bottle of beer.

The doctor exclaims, "Nurse, I said butt light!"

[Daithi]

A man's having a beer at his local pub with his elephant, and his elephant is just putting away the whiskey and eating the free peanuts. After several hours the bartender announces last call. The man says, "All right, give me another shot and my elephant another shot."

The man and the elephant slam down their shots and the elephant keels over dead.

The man starts to walk out of the bar and the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't just leave that lyin' there."

To which the man replied, "That's not a lion. That's a elephant."

[Fbone]

My Uncle finally quit smoking. It was a beautiful service.

[Ben Thornton]

Why are aspirin small, white and smooth?

Spoiler:

Because if they were large, grey and wrinkled, they'd be an elephant.

[Graham Coulson]

Many little towns have their village idiot and Frank, who lived in such a town, wanted to show up his to a visitor.

“Watch this,” he said. “Hey, Billie.”

Billie shambled over to them, a foolish grin on his face. “Hello, Mr Frank,” he said.

“I’ve got something for you, Billie,” said Frank and held out his hand, in the palm of which were two coins -- a shilling and a penny (pre-decimalization). “You can have one of these, Billie -- which one do you want?”

Billie replied, “I’ll take the big one, Mr Frank.”

Frank put the shilling back in his pocket, grinned at his visitor and whispered, “Isn’t he stupid?”

But the visitor’s sympathies were with Billie and, making his excuses to Frank, he hastened after him.

“Listen, Billie,” he said earnestly, “don’t you know that the small coin is worth twelve times as much as the big one?”

“Oh yes, Mister, I know that.”

“Well, why do you let people make a fool of you like that?”

The foolish grin vanished from Billie’s expression. “Because,” he said, “the moment I take the shilling, Mister, they’ll stop playing the game.”