Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 240

Graham Coulson · 09-14-2011, 07:07 AM

The sky high price of oil prompts me to tell the amusing story about a nun whose calling was working with a group of children in the Middle East.

On a mini-bus outing with them one day, their vehicle ran out of petrol in the middle of nowhere, and chugged to a halt on the road within a couple of miles of the nearest hick filling station.

The nun managed to walk the couple of miles, but the only fuel container she could produce at the filling station was a child’s chamber pot.

So, very carefully, she carried her precious gallon of fuel in the potty back to the mini-bus, where she proceeded very slowly and gently lest she spill a single drop, to pour the fuel into the fuel tank.

On the other side of the road, a very expensive-looking stretch Cadillac had pulled up, and four exceedingly wealthy oil-sheiks sat watching the nun intently. After a few moments, one of them climbed out of the limousine, approached the nun and, addressing her most courteously and in perfect English, said:

“Sister! We are not of the same religion, perhaps; but we greatly admire your faith!”

Stitchawl · 09-14-2011, 07:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Graham Coulson

“Sister! We are not of the same religion, perhaps; but we greatly admire your faith!”

Stitchawl

Lycoming · 09-14-2011, 12:35 PM

IN RESPONSE TO THE E-MAILS CONCERNING MY DOG...

Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal immigrants, four thieving Politicians, two Muslim Clerics, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver,

FOR THE LAST TIME...

…THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!!!

Graham Coulson · 09-14-2011, 02:35 PM

Two retired old men, Frank and Pete, are sitting on a park bench feeding the pigeons and talking about cricket, as they do nearly every day. Pete turns to Frank and asks, “Do you think there’s cricket in heaven?”

Frank thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's cricket in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Pete passes away. One day soon afterward, Frank is sitting there feeding the pigeons all by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Frank... Frank...”

Frank replies, “Pete! Is that you?”

“Yes it is, Frank,” whispers Pete’s ghost.

Frank, still amazed, asks, “Well – is there cricket in heaven?”

“Ah,” says Pete, “I've got good news and bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” says Frank eagerly.

Pete says, “Well... there is cricket in heaven.”

Frank says, “That's great! What news could possibly be bad enough to ruin that!?”

Pete sighs and whispers, “You’re opening the batting on Saturday.”

Fbone · 09-14-2011, 03:21 PM

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

PeterT · 09-14-2011, 03:43 PM

What do you get if you cross a mouse and an elephant???

Great big holes in the skirting board.

==

How do you tell if there is an elephant in bed with you?

By the E on his pyjamas.

==

How did the elephant hide in a cherry tree?

Painted his balls red.

==

How did Tarzan die?

Picking cherries.

==

How do you tell if there is an elephant under your bed?

When you're touching the ceiling.

==

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't. You get down from a goose.

pdurrant · 09-14-2011, 04:10 PM

I don't think these old chestnuts have been posted before.

How can you tell if an elephant's been in your larder?
Footprints in the butter.

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence.

Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside down in a bowl of custard.

PeterT · 09-14-2011, 04:51 PM

I'd meant to add all those! Beaten to it

pdurrant · 09-14-2011, 06:09 PM

Another chestnut.

What's grey, has four legs, a tail, and a trunk?

Spoiler:

Fbone · 09-14-2011, 06:39 PM

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

Daithi · 09-14-2011, 06:55 PM

Why do elephants have wrinkly knees?

Have you ever tried to iron an elephant's knees?

Daithi · 09-14-2011, 06:57 PM

What's big and gray and comes cums in quarts?

An elephant.

(Yeah, I know, gross.)

Daithi · 09-14-2011, 07:07 PM

Three mice were sitting around, having a beer (just go with me on this), and telling each other how brave they were.

The first mouse, he say's, "I'm so brave, I once came upon a mouse trap and snatched out the cheese. It fed my family for two days."

The second mouse, he say's, "I'm so brave, I once came upon some of that Decon stuff, and I ate some of it just to see what it tasted like. As you can see, I'm still living."

The third mouse gets up and starts heading for the door. "Hey!" the other two mice shout, "Where are you going?"

The third mouse turns back around and says, "I'm going to go hump the cat!"

Ajax · 09-14-2011, 07:30 PM

A boy's dad joins Facebook. Seeing this, the boy writes his status message "Dad's on Facebook... WTF!!"
So in that status,his dad comments "What is WTF??"
So the boy replies "Dad its...Welcome To Facebook!! "

Ben Thornton · 09-14-2011, 08:05 PM

How do you get four elephants into a mini?
Two in the front, two in the back

09-14-2011, 07:07 AM	#3586
Graham Coulson Magic mushroom tester Posts: 91 Karma: 1794762 Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Burgundy, France Device: iPad 2	*Pis poor perception !** The sky high price of oil prompts me to tell the amusing story about a nun whose calling was working with a group of children in the Middle East. On a mini-bus outing with them one day, their vehicle ran out of petrol in the middle of nowhere, and chugged to a halt on the road within a couple of miles of the nearest hick filling station. The nun managed to walk the couple of miles, but the only fuel container she could produce at the filling station was a child’s chamber pot. So, very carefully, she carried her precious gallon of fuel in the potty back to the mini-bus, where she proceeded very slowly and gently lest she spill a single drop, to pour the fuel into the fuel tank. On the other side of the road, a very expensive-looking stretch Cadillac had pulled up, and four exceedingly wealthy oil-sheiks sat watching the nun intently. After a few moments, one of them climbed out of the limousine, approached the nun and, addressing her most courteously and in perfect English, said: “Sister! We are not of the same religion, perhaps; but we greatly admire your faith!”

09-14-2011, 02:35 PM	#3589
Graham Coulson Magic mushroom tester Posts: 91 Karma: 1794762 Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Burgundy, France Device: iPad 2	Heavenly Cricket Two retired old men, Frank and Pete, are sitting on a park bench feeding the pigeons and talking about cricket, as they do nearly every day. Pete turns to Frank and asks, “Do you think there’s cricket in heaven?” Frank thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's cricket in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.” They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Pete passes away. One day soon afterward, Frank is sitting there feeding the pigeons all by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Frank... Frank...” Frank replies, “Pete! Is that you?” “Yes it is, Frank,” whispers Pete’s ghost. Frank, still amazed, asks, “Well – is there cricket in heaven?” “Ah,” says Pete, “I've got good news and bad news.” “Tell me the good news first,” says Frank eagerly. Pete says, “Well... there is cricket in heaven.” Frank says, “That's great! What news could possibly be bad enough to ruin that!?” Pete sighs and whispers, “You’re opening the batting on Saturday.”

09-14-2011, 06:09 PM	#3594
pdurrant The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠 Posts: 74,015 Karma: 315160596 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Norfolk, England Device: Kindle Oasis	Another chestnut. What's grey, has four legs, a tail, and a trunk? Spoiler: A mouse going on holiday.

09-14-2011, 06:55 PM	#3596
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	Why do elephants have wrinkly knees? Have you ever tried to iron an elephant's knees? Last edited by Daithi; 09-14-2011 at 07:10 PM. Reason: forgot the apostrophe

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09-14-2011, 12:35 PM	#3588
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	IN RESPONSE TO THE E-MAILS CONCERNING MY DOG... Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal immigrants, four thieving Politicians, two Muslim Clerics, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver, FOR THE LAST TIME... …THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!!!

09-14-2011, 03:21 PM	#3590
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

09-14-2011, 03:43 PM	#3591
PeterT Grand Sorcerer Posts: 13,541 Karma: 78910202 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Toronto Device: Libra H2O, Libra Colour	What do you get if you cross a mouse and an elephant??? Great big holes in the skirting board. == How do you tell if there is an elephant in bed with you? By the E on his pyjamas. == How did the elephant hide in a cherry tree? Painted his balls red. == How did Tarzan die? Picking cherries. == How do you tell if there is an elephant under your bed? When you're touching the ceiling. == How do you get down from an elephant? You don't. You get down from a goose.

09-14-2011, 04:10 PM	#3592
pdurrant The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠 Posts: 74,015 Karma: 315160596 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Norfolk, England Device: Kindle Oasis	I don't think these old chestnuts have been posted before. How can you tell if an elephant's been in your larder? Footprints in the butter. What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence. Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow? So they can hide upside down in a bowl of custard.

09-14-2011, 04:51 PM	#3593
PeterT Grand Sorcerer Posts: 13,541 Karma: 78910202 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Toronto Device: Libra H2O, Libra Colour	I'd meant to add all those! Beaten to it

09-14-2011, 06:39 PM	#3595
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

09-14-2011, 06:57 PM	#3597
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	What's big and gray and comes cums in quarts? An elephant. (Yeah, I know, gross.)

09-14-2011, 07:07 PM	#3598
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	Three mice were sitting around, having a beer (just go with me on this), and telling each other how brave they were. The first mouse, he say's, "I'm so brave, I once came upon a mouse trap and snatched out the cheese. It fed my family for two days." The second mouse, he say's, "I'm so brave, I once came upon some of that Decon stuff, and I ate some of it just to see what it tasted like. As you can see, I'm still living." The third mouse gets up and starts heading for the door. "Hey!" the other two mice shout, "Where are you going?" The third mouse turns back around and says, "I'm going to go hump the cat!"

09-14-2011, 07:30 PM	#3599
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	A boy's dad joins Facebook. Seeing this, the boy writes his status message "Dad's on Facebook... WTF!!" So in that status,his dad comments "What is WTF??" So the boy replies "Dad its...Welcome To Facebook!! "

09-14-2011, 08:05 PM	#3600
Ben Thornton Guru Posts: 900 Karma: 779635 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: UK Device: Kindle 3, iPad 2 (but not for e-books)	How do you get four elephants into a mini? Two in the front, two in the back