Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 238

Fbone · 09-10-2011, 05:43 AM

Yes, I'm in NJ about an hour south of NYC. I've never been to NFL. The closest I was would be Nova Scotia. I don't even know if there is a ferry from NS to St John.

I believe Venezuela also does the 1/2 hour time zone. They are supposed to be in Eastern Standard like myself but chose otherwise.

Ben Thornton · 09-10-2011, 07:16 AM

The weather has been terrible lately, so I've laid out a load of big, thick books by the front door for people to wipe their feet on.

These are the tomes that dry mens soles.

Stephen_Melling · 09-10-2011, 10:21 AM

I always liked the joke book titles like:

Rusty Bedsprings, by I.P. Nightly
Ripmore Dress, by Seymore tit.
Haunted House, by Hugo first.

endless...

pilotbob · 09-10-2011, 03:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by James_Wilde

The difference in time between Jeopardy at home and away - half an hour - makes me think you must be Canadian, Fbone. Canada is the only country I know where some parts are in a time zone which is not a whole number of hours different from other parts of the country. Are you from Newfoundland?

Jeopardy is a syndicated show so it is up to the TV station affiliate to decide what time to run it. In most markets it seems the Wheel of Fortune is on a 7 and Jeopardy at 7:30, but I don't think that is 100% universal.

Of course, since my first DVR I have rarely cared what time shows air or what channel they are on.. except for live sports events and such.

BOb

Fbone · 09-10-2011, 05:23 PM

My parents put us to sleep by tossing us in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.

Shayne Parkinson · 09-10-2011, 08:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by James_Wilde

Canada is the only country I know where some parts are in a time zone which is not a whole number of hours different from other parts of the country.

We have a wonderfully bizarre one: a part of the country that's 45 minutes ahead of the rest.

amward · 09-10-2011, 09:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by James_Wilde

When I was young I learnt that a simile incorporates the word 'like'. A metaphor does not. A bit oversimplified, perhaps...

The difference in time between Jeopardy at home and away - half an hour - makes me think you must be Canadian, Fbone. Canada is the only country I know where some parts are in a time zone which is not a whole number of hours different from other parts of the country. Are you from Newfoundland?

A few seconds later: I feel dumb. I chose a new style for viewing postings, which moves the location information to the right, so I didn't see the NJ. Still NJ is very close to NFL

In Western Australia we have one and a half hours time difference from South Australia and the Northern Territory, they are half an hour different from the Eastern states. Which makes us in WA 2 hours different from the Eastern states and then it will all change again for summer time depending on which states have it and when they start.

PS I haven't forgotten the Taswegians, just lumped them in with the Eastern states.

Ajax · 09-11-2011, 04:49 AM

Once it was asked by one of my friends, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

I said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and Respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

He asked, "Can you explain?"

I said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, Friend asked me "Give me some examples"

I said, "Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"

He asked, "Then what is your role?"

I said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire, etc etc and My wife NEVER, EVER objects to any of these decisions"

Fbone · 09-11-2011, 05:25 AM

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

Ben Thornton · 09-11-2011, 06:17 AM

Long ago, before the arrival of the men from the West, there were three indian squaws, who were pregnant at the same time and due to give birth on the same day. Following their traditions, each had an animal hide in their tent on which they would give birth. The first had a Buffalo hide, the second that of a Horse, and the third had somehow acquired a Hippopotamus.

To the joy of all the tribe, the first squaw, on the Buffalo hide, gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Soon after, the squaw with the Horse hide did the same. After a long and difficult labour, all were relieved when the third squaw finally gave birth to twin boys.

Which all goes to show - the squaw on the Hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides!

Lycoming · 09-11-2011, 04:21 PM

Older Patients are already crabby when they arrive:

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted...The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

Stitchawl · 09-11-2011, 09:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ben Thornton

Long ago, before the arrival of the men from the West, there were three indian squaws, who were pregnant at the same time and due to give birth on the same day. Following their traditions, each had an animal hide in their tent on which they would give birth. The first had a Buffalo hide, the second that of a Horse, and the third had somehow acquired a Hippopotamus.

To the joy of all the tribe, the first squaw, on the Buffalo hide, gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Soon after, the squaw with the Horse hide did the same. After a long and difficult labour, all were relieved when the third squaw finally gave birth to twin boys.

Which all goes to show - the squaw on the Hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides!

Sometimes your jokes are truly frightening....

Stitchawl

Fbone · 09-11-2011, 09:39 PM

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

Stitchawl · 09-11-2011, 09:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

Good one!

Stitchawl

Fbone · 09-12-2011, 03:38 AM

I'm learning a bit about similes and metaphors. The following quote has 2 similes and 2 metaphors. When together it's easier to tell the difference.

"You have seen
Sunshine and rain at once; her smiles and tears
Were like: a better way,--those happy smilets
That play'd on her ripe lip seem'd not to know
What guests were in her eyes; which parted thence
As pearls from diamonds dropp'd."

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09-10-2011, 05:43 AM	#3556
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,318 Karma: 103930826 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Yes, I'm in NJ about an hour south of NYC. I've never been to NFL. The closest I was would be Nova Scotia. I don't even know if there is a ferry from NS to St John. I believe Venezuela also does the 1/2 hour time zone. They are supposed to be in Eastern Standard like myself but chose otherwise.

09-10-2011, 07:16 AM	#3557
Ben Thornton Guru Posts: 900 Karma: 779635 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: UK Device: Kindle 3, iPad 2 (but not for e-books)	The weather has been terrible lately, so I've laid out a load of big, thick books by the front door for people to wipe their feet on. These are the tomes that dry mens soles.

09-10-2011, 10:21 AM	#3558
Stephen_Melling Stephen_Melling Posts: 133 Karma: 479422 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Preston, Lancashire Device: kindle	I always liked the joke book titles like: Rusty Bedsprings, by I.P. Nightly Ripmore Dress, by Seymore tit. Haunted House, by Hugo first. endless...

09-10-2011, 05:23 PM	#3560
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,318 Karma: 103930826 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	My parents put us to sleep by tossing us in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.

09-11-2011, 04:49 AM	#3563
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	Once it was asked by one of my friends, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?" I said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and Respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems." He asked, "Can you explain?" I said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions." Still not convinced, Friend asked me "Give me some examples" I said, "Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it" He asked, "Then what is your role?" I said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire, etc etc and My wife NEVER, EVER objects to any of these decisions"

09-11-2011, 05:25 AM	#3564
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,318 Karma: 103930826 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

09-11-2011, 06:17 AM	#3565
Ben Thornton Guru Posts: 900 Karma: 779635 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: UK Device: Kindle 3, iPad 2 (but not for e-books)	Long ago, before the arrival of the men from the West, there were three indian squaws, who were pregnant at the same time and due to give birth on the same day. Following their traditions, each had an animal hide in their tent on which they would give birth. The first had a Buffalo hide, the second that of a Horse, and the third had somehow acquired a Hippopotamus. To the joy of all the tribe, the first squaw, on the Buffalo hide, gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Soon after, the squaw with the Horse hide did the same. After a long and difficult labour, all were relieved when the third squaw finally gave birth to twin boys. Which all goes to show - the squaw on the Hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides!

09-11-2011, 04:21 PM	#3566
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Older Patients are already crabby when they arrive: Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted...The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS." The room erupted in applause!

09-11-2011, 09:39 PM	#3568
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,318 Karma: 103930826 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

09-12-2011, 03:38 AM	#3570
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,318 Karma: 103930826 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I'm learning a bit about similes and metaphors. The following quote has 2 similes and 2 metaphors. When together it's easier to tell the difference. "You have seen Sunshine and rain at once; her smiles and tears Were like: a better way,--those happy smilets That play'd on her ripe lip seem'd not to know What guests were in her eyes; which parted thence As pearls from diamonds dropp'd."