Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 222

Fbone · 07-18-2011, 04:13 AM

Carpe Diem = Seize the day.

Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.

Lycoming · 07-18-2011, 12:11 PM

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate
point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he
made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter
out loud as he typed: P...E.....N....I...S
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

orlok · 07-18-2011, 01:28 PM

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

"Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky"

The Marine was hurt, and so asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

"Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,

Ricky"

Fbone · 07-18-2011, 10:02 PM

Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.

Format C: · 07-19-2011, 04:58 AM

An out of season Christmas poetry:

The snow,
the tree,
the lights....

... that's all I can remember of my accident...

Lycoming · 07-19-2011, 07:26 AM

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes."

The girl was very flattered.

What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."

MJK2111 · 07-19-2011, 12:14 PM

There are three blonde women in a maternity ward.
The first says "I was on my back during conception, so I'm going to have a girl."
The second one says "Well I was riding on top at conception so I'm going to have a boy"
The third one says "OH MY GOD! - I'm going to have puppies!"

MJK2111 · 07-19-2011, 12:15 PM

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful loving experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she pauses for a moment and then confesses, "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?" Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says.... "You."

MJK2111 · 07-19-2011, 12:17 PM

What do you do when your dishwasher isn't working properly?

Slap her.

MJK2111 · 07-19-2011, 12:18 PM

Q. What do electric train sets and breasts have in common?

A. They're usually intended for the children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

MJK2111 · 07-19-2011, 12:21 PM

Keep this one away from the children:

Spoiler:

MJK2111 · 07-19-2011, 12:22 PM

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown".

Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok??"

In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."

Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around'".

orlok · 07-19-2011, 12:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MJK2111

Keep this one away from the children:

Spoiler:

MJK2111 · 07-19-2011, 12:24 PM

A dairy farmer was called to serve on jury duty.
During the questioning of prospective jurors the prosecuting attorney asked the farmer if he could convict someone on circumstantial evidence.
The farmer responded, "No, Sir! No way in hell could I do that!!".
The attorney asked why he was so adamant in his answer.
He replied that he once had a very bad experience with circumstantial evidence.
The attorney asked him to explain.
"Well sir", the farmer began, "I was out in the barn milking old' Bessie one hot day and as I was milking her she kicked over the milk pail with her right front foot. The milk soaked my overalls and undershorts, so I took them off, rinsed them out in the water trough and hung them out to dry." "Then, I got a piece of rope and tied her right foot to the floor.
I sat back down and starting milking again and the silly cow kicked over the pail with her left front foot. So I tied that one down to the floor as well. She then proceeded to kick over the pail with each of her back feet so I tied both of them to the floor...."
"Well, Sir, I thought I had things under control until she whipped her tail around and slapped me right in the face. I was getting very annoyed at her antics, I moved my stool behind her, stood up on it, and as I was in the process of tying her tail to one of the rafters, wearing nothing but my T-shirt and boots, my now ex-wife walked into the barn!! ......"
"No Sir!! I do not believe in circumstantial evidence"

MJK2111 · 07-19-2011, 12:34 PM

A middle manager was in a quandary.
He had to downsize one of his staff members. He had narrowed it down to one of two candidates, Polly or Jack.

It would be a difficult decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would be the one to be let go.

Polly came in early that morning, hugely hung over after partying all night and getting no sleep. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin.

The manager approached her and said, "Polly, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Polly replied, "Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache."

07-19-2011, 12:21 PM	#3326
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	Keep this one away from the children: Spoiler: A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich $1.50 Chicken Sandwich $2.50 Hand Job $10.00. Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am" The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

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07-18-2011, 04:13 AM	#3316
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.

07-18-2011, 12:11 PM	#3317
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed: P...E.....N....I...S His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: ** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*

07-18-2011, 01:28 PM	#3318
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows: "Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky" The Marine was hurt, and so asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note: "Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take Care, Ricky"

07-18-2011, 10:02 PM	#3319
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.

07-19-2011, 04:58 AM	#3320
Format C: Guru Posts: 753 Karma: 1496807 Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: The Third World Device: iLiad + PRS-505 + Kindle 3	An out of season Christmas poetry: The snow, the tree, the lights.... ... that's all I can remember of my accident...

07-19-2011, 07:26 AM	#3321
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off. On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes." The girl was very flattered. What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."

07-19-2011, 12:14 PM	#3322
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	There are three blonde women in a maternity ward. The first says "I was on my back during conception, so I'm going to have a girl." The second one says "Well I was riding on top at conception so I'm going to have a boy" The third one says "OH MY GOD! - I'm going to have puppies!"

07-19-2011, 12:15 PM	#3323
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful loving experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she pauses for a moment and then confesses, "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?" Who was he? Who was the father?" Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says.... "You."

07-19-2011, 12:17 PM	#3324
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	What do you do when your dishwasher isn't working properly? Slap her.

07-19-2011, 12:18 PM	#3325
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	Q. What do electric train sets and breasts have in common? A. They're usually intended for the children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

07-19-2011, 12:22 PM	#3327
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown". Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok??" In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around'".

07-19-2011, 12:24 PM	#3329
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	A dairy farmer was called to serve on jury duty. During the questioning of prospective jurors the prosecuting attorney asked the farmer if he could convict someone on circumstantial evidence. The farmer responded, "No, Sir! No way in hell could I do that!!". The attorney asked why he was so adamant in his answer. He replied that he once had a very bad experience with circumstantial evidence. The attorney asked him to explain. "Well sir", the farmer began, "I was out in the barn milking old' Bessie one hot day and as I was milking her she kicked over the milk pail with her right front foot. The milk soaked my overalls and undershorts, so I took them off, rinsed them out in the water trough and hung them out to dry." "Then, I got a piece of rope and tied her right foot to the floor. I sat back down and starting milking again and the silly cow kicked over the pail with her left front foot. So I tied that one down to the floor as well. She then proceeded to kick over the pail with each of her back feet so I tied both of them to the floor...." "Well, Sir, I thought I had things under control until she whipped her tail around and slapped me right in the face. I was getting very annoyed at her antics, I moved my stool behind her, stood up on it, and as I was in the process of tying her tail to one of the rafters, wearing nothing but my T-shirt and boots, my now ex-wife walked into the barn!! ......" "No Sir!! I do not believe in circumstantial evidence"

07-19-2011, 12:34 PM	#3330
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	A middle manager was in a quandary. He had to downsize one of his staff members. He had narrowed it down to one of two candidates, Polly or Jack. It would be a difficult decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would be the one to be let go. Polly came in early that morning, hugely hung over after partying all night and getting no sleep. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin. The manager approached her and said, "Polly, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Polly replied, "Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache."