Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 216

Fbone · 06-26-2011, 09:43 PM

Females do pursue me, if you count mosquitoes.

crich70 · 06-26-2011, 09:58 PM

You know you're getting old when a young woman walks by and your pacemaker sets off your garage door.

Diplomacy:
The ability to tell someone to go to h*** in such a way that they actually look forward to the trip.

Lycoming · 06-27-2011, 12:18 PM

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the National Health Service, my friend Ed decided to have this next test carried out while visiting in San Francisco. He heard the nurses are beautiful and allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.

As he lay naked on his side on the table and the nurse began the examination.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection." said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection," said Ed.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Lycoming · 06-27-2011, 12:36 PM

At a revival the preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar." With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.

SandyHarper · 06-27-2011, 08:56 PM

There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence
and find out for themselves.

Fbone · 06-28-2011, 04:22 AM

First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.

Lycoming · 06-28-2011, 03:24 PM

I think I put this in here previously, bear with me, life is getting harder.

A tough looking group of bikers were riding towards Nashville when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge. So they stop.
The group leader, a big burly guy, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked .

"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does, and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous!!
So then he asked,
"Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

pilotbob · 06-28-2011, 05:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.

It's really bad when they all happens on the same day.

BOb

Fbone · 06-28-2011, 10:13 PM

For every idiot proof system devised; a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

dreams · 06-28-2011, 11:39 PM

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

poohbear_nc · 06-29-2011, 08:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

For every idiot proof system devised; a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

OMG! You've described my workplace perfectly!

CyGuy · 06-29-2011, 01:35 PM

TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is ma's lap.

poohbear_nc · 06-29-2011, 02:31 PM

Quote:

Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

Reading this one made me spit my coffee on my keyboard!

orlok · 06-29-2011, 04:26 PM

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"Now what?" asks the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight. But ever since he ate that damn cue ball, he measures everything first!"

SolRaven · 06-29-2011, 04:58 PM

[QUOTE=CyGuy;1635522
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.[/QUOTE]

Ain't that the truth! This is the reason why I know Roman's 12:17 from the bible. My sister sat me down after I "got my brother back." I remember feeling so justified with my behavior. I still might have if she had just punished me, but no... she had to reason with the little 7 year old, pull out the bible and have me read scripture, and explain what I thought it meant and why.

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06-26-2011, 09:43 PM	#3226
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Females do pursue me, if you count mosquitoes.

06-26-2011, 09:58 PM	#3227
crich70 Grand Sorcerer Posts: 11,310 Karma: 43993832 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Monroe Wisconsin Device: K3, Kindle Paperwhite, Calibre, and Mobipocket for Pc (netbook)	You know you're getting old when a young woman walks by and your pacemaker sets off your garage door. Diplomacy: The ability to tell someone to go to h*** in such a way that they actually look forward to the trip.

06-27-2011, 12:18 PM	#3228
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the National Health Service, my friend Ed decided to have this next test carried out while visiting in San Francisco. He heard the nurses are beautiful and allegedly much more gentle and accommodating. As he lay naked on his side on the table and the nurse began the examination. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection." said the nurse. "I haven't got an erection," said Ed. "No, but I have," replied the nurse.

06-27-2011, 12:36 PM	#3229
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	At a revival the preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar." With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.

06-27-2011, 08:56 PM	#3230
SandyHarper Banned Posts: 236 Karma: 42512 Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: California Device: kindle	There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

06-28-2011, 04:22 AM	#3231
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.

06-28-2011, 03:24 PM	#3232
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	I think I put this in here previously, bear with me, life is getting harder. A tough looking group of bikers were riding towards Nashville when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge. So they stop. The group leader, a big burly guy, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked . "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?" So, she does, and it was a long, deep lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous!! So then he asked, "Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

06-28-2011, 10:13 PM	#3234
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	For every idiot proof system devised; a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

06-28-2011, 11:39 PM	#3235
dreams It's about the umbrella Posts: 25,110 Karma: 56250158 Join Date: Jan 2009 Device: Sony 505\| K Fire \| KK 3G+Wi-Fi \| iPhone 3Gs \|Vista 32-bit Hm Prem w/FF	There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?" Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

06-29-2011, 01:35 PM	#3237
CyGuy Avid Reader Posts: 769 Karma: 7777778 Join Date: Aug 2009 Device: PocketBook 902, Galaxy Tab 2 7.0, ASUS TF700, and Cybook Gen III	TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is ma's lap.

06-29-2011, 04:26 PM	#3239
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight. But ever since he ate that damn cue ball, he measures everything first!"

06-29-2011, 04:58 PM	#3240
SolRaven Wizard Posts: 2,214 Karma: 12796976 Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: The Sunshine State Device: Clara, Voyage, Oasis, Paperwhite & PRS-650	[QUOTE=CyGuy;1635522 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.[/QUOTE] Ain't that the truth! This is the reason why I know Roman's 12:17 from the bible. My sister sat me down after I "got my brother back." I remember feeling so justified with my behavior. I still might have if she had just punished me, but no... she had to reason with the little 7 year old, pull out the bible and have me read scripture, and explain what I thought it meant and why.