Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 211

Lycoming · 06-06-2011, 02:34 PM

Question:
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?

Answer:
A crazy wife who will find you any place you go.

crich70 · 06-06-2011, 06:34 PM

Mother superior wasn't very well versed in modern technology. One day she somehow cross connected the DVD player and the microwave and as a result the convent had War and Peace in 5 minutes.

Lycoming · 06-07-2011, 04:48 AM

In honor of Arnold Schwarzenegger, a new commandment has been created.
Be sure to write this one in underneath the other ten:
"Thou Shalt Not Share Thy Rod With Thy Staff."

Lycoming · 06-07-2011, 03:14 PM

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,
' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

Fbone · 06-08-2011, 01:00 AM

Did you hear about the device that makes cars run 95% quieter? .... it fits right over her mouth.

WT Sharpe · 06-08-2011, 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Did you hear about the device that makes cars run 95% quieter? .... it fits right over her mouth.

Oh, you are so dead!

Where should I send the flowers?

Lycoming · 06-08-2011, 03:40 PM

Sometimes headline writers perform a service to the rest of us. I cannot believe this was unintentional in the Washington Post. Luckily Gary Larson is a hero of mine and helps my mind work in mysterious ways.

"Weiner probed by house members."

Now that has to be uncomfortable, if not downright painful.

Fbone · 06-09-2011, 01:21 AM

Do files get embarrassed when they're unzipped?

Bikeridr · 06-09-2011, 01:26 AM

Who is this General Failure? And why is he reading my drive C:\?

amward · 06-09-2011, 02:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bikeridr

Who is this General Failure? And why is he reading my drive C:\?

It could be the person pretending to be a surgeon and performing illegal operations.

Bikeridr · 06-09-2011, 02:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amward

It could be the person pretending to be a surgeon and performing illegal operations.

Since it is a General, it must be illegal military operations

CyGuy · 06-09-2011, 08:40 AM

benham · 06-09-2011, 01:35 PM

Like the joke, I was feeling very depressed so I called the suicide hotline. Got some guy over in Pakistan. He wanted to know if I could drive a bus...

Stitchawl · 06-09-2011, 09:06 PM

I'm not sure if I should post this in this thread or in the Vent and Rant thread.
I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying. He Said, "If the current Administration is in office much longer, canned goods and ammunition are your best bets."

Stitchawl

Figlilly · 06-10-2011, 12:13 AM

• There is no greater joy than soaring high on the wings of your dreams, except maybe the joy of watching a dreamer who has nowhere to land but in the ocean of reality.

• When birds fly in the right formation, they need only exert half the effort. Even in nature, teamwork results in collective laziness.

• You can do anything you set your mind to when you have vision, determination, and an endless supply of expendable labor.

• If you're attractive enough on the outside, people will forgive you for being irritating to the core.

• There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.

• If you're not a part of the solution,there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem.

• Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is just to fire all of the unhappy people.

• It's best to avoid standing directly between a competitive jerk and his goals.

• It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face.

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06-06-2011, 02:34 PM	#3151
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Question: What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS? Answer: A crazy wife who will find you any place you go.

06-06-2011, 06:34 PM	#3152
crich70 Grand Sorcerer Posts: 11,310 Karma: 43993832 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Monroe Wisconsin Device: K3, Kindle Paperwhite, Calibre, and Mobipocket for Pc (netbook)	Mother superior wasn't very well versed in modern technology. One day she somehow cross connected the DVD player and the microwave and as a result the convent had War and Peace in 5 minutes.

06-07-2011, 04:48 AM	#3153
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	In honor of Arnold Schwarzenegger, a new commandment has been created. Be sure to write this one in underneath the other ten: "Thou Shalt Not Share Thy Rod With Thy Staff."

06-07-2011, 03:14 PM	#3154
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. 'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked. 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says. 'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?' 'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off. 'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.' A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. 'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, ' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?' 'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.' 'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?' 'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!' 'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?' The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.' C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?' Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.' 'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?' 'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

06-08-2011, 01:00 AM	#3155
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,298 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Did you hear about the device that makes cars run 95% quieter? .... it fits right over her mouth.

06-08-2011, 03:40 PM	#3157
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Sometimes headline writers perform a service to the rest of us. I cannot believe this was unintentional in the Washington Post. Luckily Gary Larson is a hero of mine and helps my mind work in mysterious ways. "Weiner probed by house members." Now that has to be uncomfortable, if not downright painful.

06-09-2011, 01:21 AM	#3158
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,298 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Do files get embarrassed when they're unzipped?

06-09-2011, 01:26 AM	#3159
Bikeridr Information Acquirer Posts: 436 Karma: 4265156 Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Latvia, Rigas Rajons Device: Kindle 3 International, Pocketbook Color	Who is this General Failure? And why is he reading my drive C:\?

06-09-2011, 08:40 AM	#3162
CyGuy Avid Reader Posts: 769 Karma: 7777778 Join Date: Aug 2009 Device: PocketBook 902, Galaxy Tab 2 7.0, ASUS TF700, and Cybook Gen III

06-09-2011, 01:35 PM	#3163
benham Guru Posts: 882 Karma: 5565888 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Townsend, WI Device: Palm TX, PRS-505 (BLUE)	Like the joke, I was feeling very depressed so I called the suicide hotline. Got some guy over in Pakistan. He wanted to know if I could drive a bus...

06-09-2011, 09:06 PM	#3164
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	I'm not sure if I should post this in this thread or in the Vent and Rant thread. I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying. He Said, "If the current Administration is in office much longer, canned goods and ammunition are your best bets." Stitchawl

06-10-2011, 12:13 AM	#3165
Figlilly Zealot Posts: 122 Karma: 2514066 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Australia Device: Kindle Oasis 2&3, Paperwhites, Kindle Touch, Kobo Clara, IPad Air2	• There is no greater joy than soaring high on the wings of your dreams, except maybe the joy of watching a dreamer who has nowhere to land but in the ocean of reality. • When birds fly in the right formation, they need only exert half the effort. Even in nature, teamwork results in collective laziness. • You can do anything you set your mind to when you have vision, determination, and an endless supply of expendable labor. • If you're attractive enough on the outside, people will forgive you for being irritating to the core. • There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots. • If you're not a part of the solution,there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem. • Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is just to fire all of the unhappy people. • It's best to avoid standing directly between a competitive jerk and his goals. • It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face.