Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[orlok]

A few amusing puns:

(apologies for any repeats)


1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

15. The midget fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

23. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

[poohbear_nc]

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

This one made me snort Pepsi!

[crich70]

A few riddles:
Why did the baker quit his job? He got tired of the hole business.

What did the grape do when the 8 foot monster sat on it? Nothing, it just gave a little wine.

What does mama vampire do when baby vampire has a cold? She turns on the vamperizer.

Where do sheep go to get a hair cut? The ba-ba shop.

Why did the vampire go to the blood bank? To make a withdrawl.

What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me pal and you'll go places.

What did the lightbulb say to the lamp? You light up my life.

Why was the belt arrested and thrown into jail? He held up a pair of pants.

[Format C:]

Originally Posted by orlok

...
16. Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Wasn't it the entity who take possession of your computer preventing it to perform the tasks it's intended for (also known as Windows 98?)

[Lycoming]

[Lycoming]

A New Hampshire man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.
A banana was sticking out of his orifice.
Police suspect a cereal killer.

[maianhvk]

I would like to welcome (bride) to the family. This is probably a good time to mention our strict 'no return' policy.

Sincerity is the key to a good toast. (pause) I sincerely apologize for my toast.

I don't know how she chose the groom. It was either her taste in men, or her bad eyesight.

The bride was successful in the dog-eat-dog corporate world. I guess she is ready to meet the groom's family.

When a woman steals your older brother, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

"In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage." Robert Anderson

“Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl could want in her life, except for good taste in men!”

We've known each other since elementary school. This is the guy I played Star Wars with, rode around on our bikes... but enough about the bachelor party.

Marriage is for better or worse. "Groom" you couldn't have done better. "Bride" you couldn't have done worse.

From a Parent, "When your child finds true love, you find true joy."

If you are the first of more than one toast, "There are several toasts, so take small sips, or borrow your neighbor's."

From a younger brother, "If you take care of her, like you took care of me, everything will be fine."

[orlok]

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

[WT Sharpe]

Originally Posted by orlok

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

...15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there....

According to the A Walk in the WoRds blog, The Washington Post screwed up when they published the results of that contest as regards the word frisbeetarianism.

Frisbeetarianism, as it is listed in the contest, is not a common word and the meaning was not conceived by a reader. While the word may have been supplied by a reader, it was coined and defined by the late comedian George Carlin as, "the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." Thus the meaning listed in the contest is not an alternate meaning, it is the original meaning.

Journalistic integrity strikes again!

[wodin]

George Carlin is my hero! well, one of them anyway

[orlok]

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

According to the A Walk in the WoRds blog, The Washington Post screwed up when they published the results of that contest as regards the word frisbeetarianism.



Journalistic integrity strikes again!

Funnily enough, that was the one word I doubted when I first read the list - I just couldn't believe that it could be real.

[WT Sharpe]

Originally Posted by orlok

Funnily enough, that was the one word I doubted when I first read the list - I just couldn't believe that it could be real.

Same here, so I googled it. Amazing that no one working in the paper's editorial department caught it!

[crich70]

decaffinated- a cow that has just born a calf.

A piece of string wanted to get a job working at a deli but when he went there the owner turned him away saying that he had no jobs for a piece of string. Leaving the deli the piece of string sat on the curb feeling dejected. There had to be a way to get a job. Just then a little boy walked by and the piece of string spoke to him. "Little boy," he said,"will you tie me in a knot." and they boy did. "Now will you fray my ends?" The boy did so then left. Feeling a lot better the string went back to the deli to ask for a job again. "Aren't you the piece of string that was just here," the man asked.
"Oh, no,"the string replied. "I'm a frayed knot."

[orlok]

Originally Posted by crich70

decaffinated- a cow that has just born a calf.

A piece of string wanted to get a job working at a deli but when he went there the owner turned him away saying that he had no jobs for a piece of string. Leaving the deli the piece of string sat on the curb feeling dejected. There had to be a way to get a job. Just then a little boy walked by and the piece of string spoke to him. "Little boy," he said,"will you tie me in a knot." and they boy did. "Now will you fray my ends?" The boy did so then left. Feeling a lot better the string went back to the deli to ask for a job again. "Aren't you the piece of string that was just here," the man asked.
"Oh, no,"the string replied. "I'm a frayed knot."

They do say the oldies are the best...

[Fbone]

A tightrope-walker tripping on a sidewalk is completely unacceptable.