Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 206

WT Sharpe · 05-25-2011, 07:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Bumper sticker ...

Watch out for the idiot behind me.

I like that one, because if they're close enough to read it on the Interstate, it fits!

orlok · 05-25-2011, 03:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

Scientific Conversions

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
52 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
10 rations = 1 decoration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

Stitchawl

Very clever

orlok · 05-25-2011, 03:18 PM

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

Fbone · 05-26-2011, 02:19 AM

Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Dad?

orlok · 05-26-2011, 07:13 AM

Need I say anything...?

MJK2111 · 05-26-2011, 10:26 AM

* The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a 5."
* Ping has a new set of irons called Elins. They're clubs you can beat Tiger with.
* What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian. (Of course, Elin is actually Swedish. But poetic license is allowed in jokes.)
* Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Cheetah?
* Tiger's other women aren't misstresses. They're provisionals.
* Did you hear Nike's new motto? Just do me.
* What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause? Santa stopped at three ho's.
* Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
* What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.
* Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.
* Tiger has a new movie coming out. It's called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

orlok · 05-26-2011, 11:16 AM

[QUOTE=MJK2111;1554704* What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause? Santa stopped at three ho's.
[/QUOTE]

wodin · 05-26-2011, 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wannabee

I can hear the comments in Disney boadroom now; "SUE! SUE!"

pdurrant · 05-26-2011, 03:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wodin

I can hear the comments in Disney boadroom now; "SUE! SUE!"

Who? The person who altered the stills from Disney's "Cinderella" to match the colour scheme of the photographs?

originals:

Lycoming · 05-26-2011, 03:42 PM

In 1572, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

This guy was sitting at home alone when he heard a knock on the
front door. There was a county sheriff’s deputy standing there.
The man asked the deputy if there was a problem. The deputy sheriff
asked if he was married and if he could see a picture of his wife.
The guy says "Sure," and shows him a picture of his wife.
The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's
been hit by a truck."
The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, and
is a real good cook too."

poohbear_nc · 05-26-2011, 03:44 PM

Quote:

In 1572, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

[I can hear Stephen Fry saying this in his droll monotone!]

orlok · 05-26-2011, 04:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

In 1572, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Nice one!

Fbone · 05-27-2011, 01:14 AM

I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.

wannabee · 05-27-2011, 02:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pdurrant

Who? The person who altered the stills from Disney's "Cinderella" to match the colour scheme of the photographs?

originals:

Killjoy

orlok · 05-27-2011, 02:17 PM

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2 Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

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05-25-2011, 03:18 PM	#3078
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting." "And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

05-26-2011, 02:19 AM	#3079
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Dad?

05-26-2011, 07:13 AM	#3080
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Need I say anything...?

05-26-2011, 10:26 AM	#3081
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	* The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a 5." * Ping has a new set of irons called Elins. They're clubs you can beat Tiger with. * What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian. (Of course, Elin is actually Swedish. But poetic license is allowed in jokes.) * Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Cheetah? * Tiger's other women aren't misstresses. They're provisionals. * Did you hear Nike's new motto? Just do me. * What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause? Santa stopped at three ho's. * Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron. * What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards. * Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one. * Tiger has a new movie coming out. It's called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

05-26-2011, 11:16 AM	#3082
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	[QUOTE=MJK2111;1554704* What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause? Santa stopped at three ho's. [/QUOTE]

05-26-2011, 03:42 PM	#3085
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	In 1572, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. This guy was sitting at home alone when he heard a knock on the front door. There was a county sheriff’s deputy standing there. The man asked the deputy if there was a problem. The deputy sheriff asked if he was married and if he could see a picture of his wife. The guy says "Sure," and shows him a picture of his wife. The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck." The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, and is a real good cook too."

05-27-2011, 01:14 AM	#3088
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.

05-27-2011, 02:17 PM	#3090
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners: 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 2 Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole. 3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future 6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high 8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 13. Glibido : All talk and no action. 14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 16. Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.