Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 205

wodin · 05-23-2011, 03:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday.
<----------snip---------->

I didn't show up for work yesterday because it was Sunday!

orlok · 05-23-2011, 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wodin

I didn't show up for work yesterday because it was Sunday!

Well, as a reader, surely you have to suspend disbelief sometimes?

wannabee · 05-24-2011, 12:26 AM

SolRaven · 05-24-2011, 07:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday.

I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank, just to check the quality. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, again just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.

I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

orlok · 05-24-2011, 11:22 AM

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

GeoffC · 05-24-2011, 11:49 AM

Fbone · 05-24-2011, 03:40 PM

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

Stitchawl · 05-24-2011, 07:09 PM

Scientific Conversions

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
52 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
10 rations = 1 decoration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

Stitchawl

SolRaven · 05-24-2011, 07:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Another one that has me in stitches!!! LMAO!!!

poohbear_nc · 05-24-2011, 08:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

Scientific Conversions

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
52 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
10 rations = 1 decoration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

Stitchawl

These are wonderful! I'm going to steal them!

Stitchawl · 05-24-2011, 09:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poohbear_nc

These are wonderful! I'm going to steal them!

No need to steal. You may have them with my blessings. Actually, there were quite a few more but I didn't think they were particularly clever so I removed them.

Stitchawl

wannabee · 05-24-2011, 11:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poohbear_nc

These are wonderful! I'm going to steal them!

Me too

Fbone · 05-25-2011, 01:07 AM

Bumper sticker ...

Watch out for the idiot behind me.

Fbone · 05-25-2011, 01:13 AM

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

yvanleterrible · 05-25-2011, 05:45 AM

Bumper sticker: "Baby onboard!"

Second sticker that I wish I could put on: "And it's the bloody idiot that's f****** driving!"

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05-24-2011, 12:26 AM	#3063
wannabee Media Bloke Posts: 2,382 Karma: 113956855 Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: NSW - Australia Device: iOS

05-24-2011, 11:22 AM	#3065
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

05-24-2011, 11:49 AM	#3066
GeoffC Chocolate Grasshopper ... Posts: 27,599 Karma: 20821184 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Scotland Device: Muse HD , Cybook Gen3 , Pocketbook 302 (Black) , Nexus 10: wife has PW

05-24-2011, 03:40 PM	#3067
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

05-24-2011, 07:09 PM	#3068
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Scientific Conversions Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope 16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds 52 cards = 1 decacards 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche 10 rations = 1 decoration 2 monograms = 1 diagram 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League Stitchawl

05-25-2011, 01:07 AM	#3073
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Bumper sticker ... Watch out for the idiot behind me.

05-25-2011, 01:13 AM	#3074
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

05-25-2011, 05:45 AM	#3075
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	Bumper sticker: "Baby onboard!" Second sticker that I wish I could put on: "And it's the bloody idiot that's f****** driving!"