Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[WT Sharpe]

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

I still prefer to do the 'Freddie' or the 'Pony.'


Stitchawl

The Freddie was the dumbest dance ever. Dumber even than that Batman dance. Thank whatever powers that be it never caught on.

[orlok]

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
your type in here"

[orlok]

The Leopard, The Monkey & The Smart Dachshund

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet dachshund along for company.

One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

The dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear the dachshund says....

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"


REMEMBER: IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, BAFFLE THEM WITH BULLSHIT

[DMcCunney]

Originally Posted by orlok

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

Was one of them Comic Sans?
______
Dennis

[wodin]

Originally Posted by Mortis

I used to work for a towing company (The joy of working 2 full time job one Sunday to Weds, the other thursday to Sat) sand one of the main things we did was unlock doors. When I first started the guy showing me how to unlock doors told me to always walk around the car and try all the doors, I thought he was nuts. The first unlock I got called to I tried all the doors, just as I was instructed and the back passenger door was unlocked! That mistake cost the guy $50! So the moral of the story is, always check all the doors and windows, it could save you a few bucks.

And the top!

[Cyberman tM]

Originally Posted by orlok

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Pint in one hand - Kebab in the other - body thoroughly knackered and totally worn out , while screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

Don't take life too seriously - you'll never get out of it alive anyway.

[GeoffC]

Originally Posted by Cyberman tM

Don't take life too seriously - you'll never get out of it alive anyway.

[nohmi2]

Inner Peace:

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat plain food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

[kennyc]

Originally Posted by nohmi2

Inner Peace:

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat plain food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

Love it!

[Lycoming]

Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.



(Seen on a hairdressers key fob, just before she attacked my mane)

[GeoffC]

The following questions were set in last year's GED (General Educational Development ) examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning>
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[orlok]

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Some of them are almost too good to be true.

[orlok]

Originally Posted by nohmi2

Inner Peace:

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat plain food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

I wondered where this one was going!

[WT Sharpe]

Originally Posted by GeoffC

The following questions were set in last year's GED (General Educational Development ) examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

I like the way that kid reasons about the seasons.

Originally Posted by GeoffC

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

[James_Wilde]

Originally Posted by GeoffC

The following questions were set in last year's GED (General Educational Development ) examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

..and vote.