Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 180

pilotbob · 04-02-2011, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

Navy's Early Retirement Plan

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured
from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop 'em" -- which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "where are your testicles?"

The Captain calmly replied, "Vietnam."
.

Of course denied to pay him the bonus since "Vietnam" is not "in his body" per regulation HFZ65790889174389.

BOb

orlok · 04-02-2011, 11:36 AM

Awwww...now you've RUINED it...

orlok · 04-02-2011, 05:58 PM

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
.

Javed · 04-02-2011, 06:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
.

Maybe he should have sent eleven.

Stitchawl · 04-03-2011, 01:53 AM

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "mashed potato" as if it were yesterday.

> They include:
Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face?

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.?

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair?

Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations ---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba---
Denture Queen

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore---
It's My Body, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

Stitchawl

orlok · 04-03-2011, 04:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "mashed potato" as if it were yesterday.

> They include:
Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face?

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.?

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair?

Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations ---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba---
Denture Queen

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore---
It's My Body, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

Stitchawl

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face?

wannabee · 04-03-2011, 08:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "mashed potato" as if it were yesterday.

Stitchawl

Stitchawl · 04-03-2011, 08:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wannabee

I still prefer to do the 'Freddie' or the 'Pony.'

Stitchawl

Mortis · 04-03-2011, 10:48 AM

You guys are making me feel young, Karma!

Well no not really, can't Karma twice it appears

James_Wilde · 04-03-2011, 04:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LCF

It's a great book... but I don't know if it will ever be 2,99

One can always hope

Just a quick follow-up: From 8.99 this book has now gone, not down to 2.99 but UP to 12.99. And even worse, amazon.com won't sell this book to Europe and amazon.co.uk doesn't have the Kindle version, and wouldn't sell it outside the UK anyway.

But the REAL killer - there's no free 25-50% test read.

James_Wilde · 04-03-2011, 05:03 PM

There were two blondes, and they had just came from a store.

The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stoped to rest for a second.

When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"

GeoffC · 04-04-2011, 06:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by James_Wilde

There were two blondes, and they had just came from a store.

The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stoped to rest for a second.

When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"

Mortis · 04-04-2011, 06:54 AM

I used to work for a towing company (The joy of working 2 full time job one Sunday to Weds, the other thursday to Sat) sand one of the main things we did was unlock doors. When I first started the guy showing me how to unlock doors told me to always walk around the car and try all the doors, I thought he was nuts. The first unlock I got called to I tried all the doors, just as I was instructed and the back passenger door was unlocked! That mistake cost the guy $50! So the moral of the story is, always check all the doors and windows, it could save you a few bucks.

pilotbob · 04-04-2011, 10:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mortis

I used to work for a towing company (The joy of working 2 full time job one Sunday to Weds, the other thursday to Sat) sand one of the main things we did was unlock doors. When I first started the guy showing me how to unlock doors told me to always walk around the car and try all the doors, I thought he was nuts. The first unlock I got called to I tried all the doors, just as I was instructed and the back passenger door was unlocked! That mistake cost the guy $50! So the moral of the story is, always check all the doors and windows, it could save you a few bucks.

But the guy probably wanted to get into the drivers seat. What good would that door being open do him?

BOb

GeoffC · 04-04-2011, 10:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

But the guy probably wanted to get into the drivers seat. What good would that door being open do him?

BOb

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04-02-2011, 11:36 AM	#2687
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Awwww...now you've RUINED it...

04-02-2011, 05:58 PM	#2688
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. .

04-03-2011, 01:53 AM	#2690
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "mashed potato" as if it were yesterday. > They include: Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker Ringo Starr --- I Get By With A Little Help From Depends The Bee Gees -- - How Can You Mend A Broken Hip? Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face? Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.? Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade Of Hair? Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping The Temptations --- Papa's Got A Kidney Stone Abba--- Denture Queen Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore Leslie Gore--- It's My Body, and I'll Cry If I Want To And Last but NOT least... Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again Stitchawl

04-03-2011, 10:48 AM	#2694
Mortis Canucklehead in Malaysia Posts: 1,633 Karma: 3127774 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia Device: iPhone, Kindle	You guys are making me feel young, Karma! Well no not really, can't Karma twice it appears

04-03-2011, 05:03 PM	#2696
James_Wilde Guru Posts: 802 Karma: 4727110 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Sweden Device: Iriver Story	There were two blondes, and they had just came from a store. The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stoped to rest for a second. When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"

04-04-2011, 06:54 AM	#2698
Mortis Canucklehead in Malaysia Posts: 1,633 Karma: 3127774 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia Device: iPhone, Kindle	I used to work for a towing company (The joy of working 2 full time job one Sunday to Weds, the other thursday to Sat) sand one of the main things we did was unlock doors. When I first started the guy showing me how to unlock doors told me to always walk around the car and try all the doors, I thought he was nuts. The first unlock I got called to I tried all the doors, just as I was instructed and the back passenger door was unlocked! That mistake cost the guy $50! So the moral of the story is, always check all the doors and windows, it could save you a few bucks.