Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 179

Lycoming · 03-31-2011, 12:28 PM

Which reminds me of that very ancient and oft repeated old chestnut.......

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions. One said,

"I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

I don't think I have ever heard of that one, said the other cowboy. "What is it?"

Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.

Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear,

'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

If you are offended by the above you should have stopped reading when you got to "favourite sex positions."

orlok · 03-31-2011, 04:25 PM

Hamlet53 · 03-31-2011, 06:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

Late in life Jack Nicholson's mother, or rather the woman he always thought was his mother, revealed that she was in fact his grandmother. His real mother was the woman he had been raised believing to be his sister.

:

Hamlet53 · 03-31-2011, 06:25 PM

This is not really a joke I guess, but I at least think it is funny. This is also partly in response to this thread (Should high school students have to read Shakespeare?) in which the merits of reading Shakespeare versus watching a film version came up. It is actually a brief scene from the American television series Cheers.

For those not familiar with the series it is set in a bar in Boston that is owned by the character Sam. Sam is a former baseball player whose normal reading does not extend beyond the sports pages. Sam carries on a love affair with one of the bar's waitresses Diane who is highly educated and something of an intellectual snob. After a falling out between the two several other of the main characters suggest that Sam impress Diane by reading War and Peace. Picking up the scene just after Sam has told Diane that he read War and Peace for her.

Diane: “The only thing sexier than you reading War and Peace for me would be you reading War and Peace to me.”

Sam (picking up book): “Well then.”

Diane (taking book away and getting affectionate): “Let's just watch the movie together later.”

Sam (jumping up in anger): “You mean they didn't tell me there was a movie!”

Sorry for the length.

phenomshel · 04-01-2011, 12:38 AM

This isn't a joke, it just happened to me:

Facebook update Shel: This English class is killing me. I'm starting to write everything like I have an etiquette book stuck up my......

Comment from high school classmate Charles: I have always thought you had a etiquette book stuck up your..... lol

30 years later and he remembers this about me??

OMG. I just found out this particular classmate went on to become a Church of Christ pastor... which to me makes this even more funny.

phenomshel · 04-01-2011, 12:41 AM

Oh, that must be an etiquette book my avatar is sitting on!

kennyc · 04-01-2011, 05:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phenomshel

Oh, that must be an etiquette book my avatar is sitting on!

Indubitably!

GeoffC · 04-01-2011, 05:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phenomshel

Oh, that must be an etiquette book my avatar is sitting on!

wannabee · 04-01-2011, 06:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

If you are offended by the above you should have stopped reading when you got to "favourite sex positions."

orlok · 04-01-2011, 06:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hamlet53

Late in life Jack Nicholson's mother, or rather the woman he always thought was his mother, revealed that she was in fact his grandmother. His real mother was the woman he had been raised believing to be his sister.

:

Yes, I'd heard that. No wonder he's a bit screwed up...

orlok · 04-01-2011, 06:32 AM

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50...

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-pound potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-pound potato bags.

Then try 50-pound potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a

100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

(I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag!

kennyc · 04-01-2011, 06:52 AM

Hey! That could work for me orlok!

GeoffC · 04-01-2011, 06:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50...

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-pound potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-pound potato bags.

Then try 50-pound potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a

100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

(I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag!

MJK2111 · 04-01-2011, 12:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hamlet53

Sorry for the length.

Now there's a phrase you rarely hear a man utter...

orlok · 04-02-2011, 10:18 AM

Navy's Early Retirement Plan

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured
from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop 'em" -- which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "where are your testicles?"

The Captain calmly replied, "Vietnam."
.

04-01-2011, 12:38 AM	#2675
phenomshel ZCD BombShel Posts: 4,793 Karma: 8293322 Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: The Frozen North (aka Illinois, USA) Device: iPad, STB Kindle Oasis	This isn't a joke, it just happened to me: Facebook update Shel: This English class is killing me. I'm starting to write everything like I have an etiquette book stuck up my...... Comment from high school classmate Charles: I have always thought you had a etiquette book stuck up your..... lol 30 years later and he remembers *this* about me?? OMG. I just found out this particular classmate went on to become a Church of Christ pastor... which to me makes this even more funny. Last edited by phenomshel; 04-01-2011 at 01:14 AM. Reason: more info.

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03-31-2011, 12:28 PM	#2671
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Which reminds me of that very ancient and oft repeated old chestnut....... Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." I don't think I have ever heard of that one, said the other cowboy. "What is it?" Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds." If you are offended by the above you should have stopped reading when you got to "favourite sex positions."

03-31-2011, 04:25 PM	#2672
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"

03-31-2011, 06:25 PM	#2674
Hamlet53 Nameless Being	This is not really a joke I guess, but I at least think it is funny. This is also partly in response to this thread (Should high school students have to read Shakespeare?) in which the merits of reading Shakespeare versus watching a film version came up. It is actually a brief scene from the American television series Cheers. For those not familiar with the series it is set in a bar in Boston that is owned by the character Sam. Sam is a former baseball player whose normal reading does not extend beyond the sports pages. Sam carries on a love affair with one of the bar's waitresses Diane who is highly educated and something of an intellectual snob. After a falling out between the two several other of the main characters suggest that Sam impress Diane by reading War and Peace. Picking up the scene just after Sam has told Diane that he read War and Peace for her. Diane: “The only thing sexier than you reading War and Peace for me would be you reading War and Peace to me.” Sam (picking up book): “Well then.” Diane (taking book away and getting affectionate): “Let's just watch the movie together later.” Sam (jumping up in anger): “You mean they didn't tell me there was a movie!” Sorry for the length.

04-01-2011, 12:41 AM	#2676
phenomshel ZCD BombShel Posts: 4,793 Karma: 8293322 Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: The Frozen North (aka Illinois, USA) Device: iPad, STB Kindle Oasis	Oh, that must be an etiquette book my avatar is sitting on!

04-01-2011, 06:32 AM	#2681
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50... Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-pound potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag!

04-01-2011, 06:52 AM	#2682
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,918 Karma: 119747553 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	Hey! That could work for me orlok!

04-02-2011, 10:18 AM	#2685
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Navy's Early Retirement Plan The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop 'em" -- which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied, "Vietnam." .