Feedback Wanted On Estory Description

[randyflycaster]

Here's a description of my story, "The Second Fly Caster."

Any thoughts?

Erik, a young boy, is proud that his father, the winner of several state championships, is probably the greatest long distance fly caster on earth. But then an ominous prelude and unexpected outcome of a casting tournament reveal deeper meanings to what had once seemed to be only a sport.

And so Erik is left with unanswered questions, questions that linger and then, years later, deepen when Erik’s idealistic plans and actions are crushed by a horrific reality of the Vietnam War. He struggles, unsuccessfully, with his demons, until a new discovery guide him back to the ways and mysteries of fly casting. Through their prism Erik learns to see the past, and life's possibilities, in a different light.

[MichaelJScott]

Originally Posted by randyflycaster

Here's a description of my story, "The Second Fly Caster."

Any thoughts?

Erik, a young boy, is proud that his father, the winner of several state championships, is probably the greatest long distance fly caster on earth. But then an ominous prelude and unexpected outcome of a casting tournament reveal deeper meanings to what had once seemed to be only a sport.

And so Erik is left with unanswered questions, questions that linger and then, years later, deepen when Erik’s idealistic plans and actions are crushed by a horrific reality of the Vietnam War. He struggles, unsuccessfully, with his demons, until a new discovery guide him back to the ways and mysteries of fly casting. Through their prism Erik learns to see the past, and life's possibilities, in a different light.

Hmm... It's a tad overwritten. I think you could tighten it up, something like this, perhaps:

The winner of several state championships, young Erik's father is the greatest long distance fly-caster on earth until the unexpected outcome of a tournament leaves Erik reeling with unanswered questions and troubled meanings of what should have only been a sport.

Years later, Erik's questions come back to haunt him. Crushed by the horrific reality of Vietnam, he struggles with his demons until a discovery guides him back to the mysterious ways of fly-casting--and through this art, into a deeper understanding of his own past and the potential of life.

That's probably still not very good, but it's a little tighter. I cut 28 words in the second version. I'm sure you can improve on that, if only because you know your own story better than some schlep who hasn't even read it yet.

Hope this helps!

[randyflycaster]

Michael,

Thanks so much.

I'm thinking of expanding the title so that people know right off the bat that this is a short story, not a novel.

Any thoughts on these:

THE SECOND FLY CASTER
A Story About Finding a Way

A Story About Loss and Hope

A Story About Recovery

Randy

[MartinC]

I think the title itself needs a bit of work. Presumably what you're after is the flycasting equivalent of "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"?

[MichaelJScott]

Personally, I'd drop the "A Story About" part for any of the above. That'll let you be a little more specific regarding your subject matter.