Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 177

orlok · 03-29-2011, 06:21 AM

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"

orlok · 03-29-2011, 06:24 AM

"Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

orlok · 03-29-2011, 06:27 AM

A few ideas for those business taglines?:

An Optometrist:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

A Plumber:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

Another Plumber's:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

A Gynecologist:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

A Podiatrist:
"Time wounds all heels."

An Exhaust Centre:
"No appointment necessary. We can hear you coming."

A Radiator Repair Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.

A Tyre Shop:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

An Electrician:
"Let us remove your shorts."

And some non-business related taglines...

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

On a Front Door:
"Canvassers welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On an electricity bill:
"We will be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

orlok · 03-29-2011, 06:29 AM

Ok, last one for now.

If Carlsberg Did Diets ...

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain....good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Pint in one hand - Kebab in the other - body thoroughly knackered and totally worn out , while screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

Mortis · 03-29-2011, 06:50 AM

Seen on a garbage truck

If you're not happy with our service, we will return twice your garbage.

kennyc · 03-29-2011, 07:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mortis

Seen on a garbage truck

If you're not happy with our service, we will return twice your garbage.

pilotbob · 03-29-2011, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain....good!

A friend of mine has a T-Shirt that says...

Exercise never killed anyone... but why risk it?

BOb

kennyc · 03-29-2011, 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

A friend of mine has a T-Shirt that says...

Exercise never killed anyone... but why risk it?

BOb

WT Sharpe · 03-29-2011, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

A friend of mine has a T-Shirt that says...

Exercise never killed anyone... but why risk it?

BOb

I want one of those tee-shirts, but only if they come with pockets for my Snickers bars.

Lycoming · 03-29-2011, 11:23 AM

What a weekend!

Broke my record for continual sex, 1 hour and 3 minutes!!!!!

Then realised the bloody clocks had returned to GMT.

pilotbob · 03-29-2011, 11:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

What a weekend!

Broke my record for continual sex, 1 hour and 3 minutes!!!!!

Then realised the bloody clocks had returned to GMT.

I've been the same sex my whole life.. that's gotta be a record...

BOb

kennyc · 03-29-2011, 11:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

I want one of those tee-shirts, but only if they come with pockets for my Snickers bars.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

I've been the same sex my whole life.. that's gotta be a record...

BOb

You guys are killin' me here!

Lycoming · 03-29-2011, 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

I've been the same sex my whole life.. that's gotta be a record...

BOb

Don't start me about Ladyboys..........that's a whole new episode.

MJK2111 · 03-29-2011, 03:10 PM

WARNING: Do not, I repeat DO NOT Google "Ladyboy Jokes"

MJK2111 · 03-29-2011, 03:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

What a weekend!

Broke my record for continual sex, 1 hour and 3 minutes!!!!!
Then realised the bloody clocks had returned to GMT.

Don't feel bad, you've still got me beat by a good 90 seconds or so...

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03-29-2011, 06:21 AM	#2641
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"

03-29-2011, 06:24 AM	#2642
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	"Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

03-29-2011, 06:27 AM	#2643
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	A few ideas for those business taglines?: An Optometrist: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels A Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed." Another Plumber's: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.." On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." A Gynecologist: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." A Podiatrist: "Time wounds all heels." An Exhaust Centre: "No appointment necessary. We can hear you coming." A Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak. A Tyre Shop: "Invite us to your next blowout." An Electrician: "Let us remove your shorts." And some non-business related taglines... In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." On a Front Door: "Canvassers welcome! Dog food is expensive!" In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" On an electricity bill: "We will be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up." In a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

03-29-2011, 06:29 AM	#2644
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Ok, last one for now. If Carlsberg Did Diets ... Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain....good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.. Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Pint in one hand - Kebab in the other - body thoroughly knackered and totally worn out , while screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

03-29-2011, 06:50 AM	#2645
Mortis Canucklehead in Malaysia Posts: 1,633 Karma: 3127774 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia Device: iPhone, Kindle	Seen on a garbage truck If you're not happy with our service, we will return twice your garbage.

03-29-2011, 11:23 AM	#2650
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	What a weekend! Broke my record for continual sex, 1 hour and 3 minutes!!!!! Then realised the bloody clocks had returned to GMT.

03-29-2011, 03:10 PM	#2654
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	WARNING: Do not, I repeat DO NOT Google "Ladyboy Jokes"