Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[Format C:]

When Bob had an affair with my wife, my revenge was merciless.


I left her to him.

[Lycoming]

Reminds me of the two Kentuckians sitting out front on the porch, both a tad out of it on JB and 'Herb' when Jethro looked over at Hog and said......
"Hog, if I went to bed with your wife Lee-Anne would that make us 'kin?"
Hog thought real deep then muttered quietly, "Nope, but it sure would make us even."

[LCF]

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Reminds me of the two Kentuckians sitting out front on the porch, both a tad out of it on JB and 'Herb' when Jethro looked over at Hog and said......
"Hog, if I went to bed with your wife Lee-Anne would that make us 'kin?"
Hog thought real deep then muttered quietly, "Nope, but it sure would make us even."

I recently saw it in a comic, but I can't remember where...

[BeTePoK]

http://kmplease.com/sex/279

[Stitchawl]

WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
Who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.


Stitchawl

[kennyc]

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
Who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.


Stitchawl

[Lycoming]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What the hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded.”
Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,


"Does she still have the hiccups?"

[thrawn_aj]

This might have been done already, but it reminded me so much of Kids say the darndest things that I just had to

*********
Bible According to Kids
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)
- In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.

- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

- Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

- Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

- Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.

- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

- The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".

- Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

- Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

- Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

- When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

- Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.

- Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.

- St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.

- He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".

- It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

- The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.

- The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

- One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

- A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

*********

[kennyc]

[MrPLD]

Oh some of those are just pure gold.

[thrawn_aj]

Here's another one from http://www.leo.org/information/freiz...n/history.html. Read this a long time ago and still go into hysterics before I'm even halfway through the list. It's a little long. The genius of course lies in how the authors pasted the bloopers together to make a coherent (*snicker*) history of the world worthy of Mel Brooks .

The History of the World - according to students
Intro
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world form certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

* The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

* The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarch, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

* Pharao forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

* Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Acutally, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

* Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

* In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the visitor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their onwn hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greek were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

* Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guestes wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought the was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

* Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlos mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

* In medevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

* The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

* The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah". Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

* The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost". Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained".

* During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discoverd America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and that was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the setters. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

* One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Raul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

* Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

* George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

* Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength". Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg n the back of an envelope. he also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Admendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 13, 1965, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat bye one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

* Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented bye Issac Walton. Is is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

* Back was the most famous composes in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

* France was in a very serious state. The Frenche Revolution was accomplished before it happend. The Marseillaise was the theme of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. he wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

* The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

* The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

* The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Source: Richard Lederer, St. Paul's School.
Given to me by a dear colleague zurueck weiter
Anke Weinberger, 1997-02-21, 1997-02-24

[wannabee]

Originally Posted by kennyc

We need the green guys to give us a DITTO button.
edit: re Stichawls' women and mens poems.

[SneakySnake]

Originally Posted by wannabee

We need the green guys to give us a DITTO button.
edit: re Stichawls' women and mens poems.

[wannabee]

Originally Posted by SneakySnake

Well bugger me. Don't I look like a dickhead?

[wannabee]

Jack said to Mick "Hey! when kissing your missus mate, close the curtains. The whole street was laughing at you last night."
Mick says to Jack "Well the jokes on them. I wasn't home last night!"