Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 158

Nexutix · 01-24-2011, 06:15 AM

How Tommy passed math

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything, tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything that they could think of Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very seroius look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and paper are spread out all over the room and Little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day while the Mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, Little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, Little Tommy got an A in Math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then," She replies "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it??"

Little Tommy looks at her and says " Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

Stitchawl · 01-24-2011, 06:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nohmi2

OLD AGE BLESSINGS.

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts of dementia. and I have poor circulation; I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's license!

This is a joke that shows that there is always something to be grateful for.
Cheers

This is a joke that describes 75% of the drivers in South Florida!

Stitchawl

Nexutix · 01-25-2011, 10:52 AM

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

Nexutix · 01-25-2011, 10:58 AM

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

Nexutix · 01-25-2011, 11:36 AM

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"
Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing"s an hour fast."

Lycoming · 01-25-2011, 03:14 PM

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other,
outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What
are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A Circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I
was born. Couldn't walk for a year

A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said, 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually.'

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes
home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband
comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start
swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing
until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came
home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and
swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Nexutix · 01-26-2011, 12:46 PM

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well a s she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple test the he could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 Feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response. So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Good Lord, Ralph, are you deaf? I said for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN !"

lene1949 · 01-27-2011, 04:12 AM

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.

lene1949 · 01-27-2011, 04:12 AM

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

lene1949 · 01-27-2011, 04:23 AM

The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for
a meeting. They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

Q. What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.

Q. What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?
A. A waiter.

Q. Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?
A.The woman who irons their cricket whites.

Q. What's the height of optimism?
A. An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?
A. He forgot it was chained to his foot.

Q. What is the main function of the Australia coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he's heading out to the middle. His wife replies: "I'll hold, he won't be long!"

Q. What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
A. The entire Australian innings.

Q. What's the Australian version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Q. Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because he can get out without even trying.

Q. What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket?
A. A bat.

Q. What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A. A vacant lot.

Q. What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Heard the one about the Englishman who was stopped by Australian immigration officers at Sydney airport?
They asked him if he had a criminal record. He replied: "I didn't know it was still necessary."

Q. What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?
A. At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.

Q. What do you call an Aussie who can hold a catch?
A. A fisherman

Q. Why can no one drink wine in Australia at the moment?
A. They don't have any openers

Q. What's the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball

Q. What do you call a world class Australian cricketer?........
A. Retired

lene1949 · 01-27-2011, 04:28 AM

1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.

lene1949 · 01-27-2011, 04:30 AM

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite -
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-ma il today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!..... So I sent her my ironing.
That'll keep her busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.
Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Michael woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year".
Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with GBH for hurting a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.
The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

yvanleterrible · 01-27-2011, 07:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lene1949

1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.

...but Liverpool are wondering why he's not marrying again this year...and next year, and the next... every year!

kennyc · 01-27-2011, 07:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lene1949

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

What about the biker pushing 'her' off the bridge.

kennyc · 01-27-2011, 07:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lene1949

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite -
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

....

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.
The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

01-27-2011, 04:23 AM	#2365
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	Australian Cricket The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting. They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast! Q. What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director? A. A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes. Q. What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand? A. A waiter. Q. Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease? A.The woman who irons their cricket whites. Q. What's the height of optimism? A. An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen. Q. Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball? A. He forgot it was chained to his foot. Q. What is the main function of the Australia coach? A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground. On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he's heading out to the middle. His wife replies: "I'll hold, he won't be long!" Q. What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car? A. Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both. Q. Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad? A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats. Q. What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common? A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from. Q. What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet? A. The entire Australian innings. Q. What's the Australian version of LBW? A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped. Q. Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini? A. Because he can get out without even trying. Q. What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket? A. A bat. Q. What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ? A. A vacant lot. Q. What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson? A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason. Heard the one about the Englishman who was stopped by Australian immigration officers at Sydney airport? They asked him if he had a criminal record. He replied: "I didn't know it was still necessary." Q. What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix? A. At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future. Q. What do you call an Aussie who can hold a catch? A. A fisherman Q. Why can no one drink wine in Australia at the moment? A. They don't have any openers Q. What's the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies? A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball Q. What do you call a world class Australian cricketer?........ A. Retired

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01-24-2011, 06:15 AM	#2356
Nexutix Reading and reading Posts: 582 Karma: 8250144 Join Date: Oct 2010 Device: Infibeam Pi, iPod Touch 4G, iPad Air 2, iPad mini 2, Oneplus One	How Tommy passed math Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything, tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything that they could think of Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very seroius look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and paper are spread out all over the room and Little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day while the Mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, Little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, Little Tommy got an A in Math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then," She replies "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it??" Little Tommy looks at her and says " Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

01-25-2011, 10:52 AM	#2358
Nexutix Reading and reading Posts: 582 Karma: 8250144 Join Date: Oct 2010 Device: Infibeam Pi, iPod Touch 4G, iPad Air 2, iPad mini 2, Oneplus One	A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of btches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of btches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

01-25-2011, 10:58 AM	#2359
Nexutix Reading and reading Posts: 582 Karma: 8250144 Join Date: Oct 2010 Device: Infibeam Pi, iPod Touch 4G, iPad Air 2, iPad mini 2, Oneplus One	Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

01-25-2011, 11:36 AM	#2360
Nexutix Reading and reading Posts: 582 Karma: 8250144 Join Date: Oct 2010 Device: Infibeam Pi, iPod Touch 4G, iPad Air 2, iPad mini 2, Oneplus One	A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?" Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing"s an hour fast."

01-25-2011, 03:14 PM	#2361
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze" The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A Circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said, 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually.' A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ... Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!" Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

01-26-2011, 12:46 PM	#2362
Nexutix Reading and reading Posts: 582 Karma: 8250144 Join Date: Oct 2010 Device: Infibeam Pi, iPod Touch 4G, iPad Air 2, iPad mini 2, Oneplus One	A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well a s she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple test the he could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 Feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" "Good Lord, Ralph, are you deaf? I said for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN !"

01-27-2011, 04:12 AM	#2363
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!" Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker." "Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.

01-27-2011, 04:12 AM	#2364
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?" So, she does. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

01-27-2011, 04:28 AM	#2366
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years Interesting Year 1981 1. Prince Charles got married. 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe. 3. Australia lost the Ashes. 4. The Pope died. Interesting Year 2005 1. Prince Charles got married. 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe. 3. Australia lost the Ashes. 4. The Pope died. Lesson to be learned: The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.

01-27-2011, 04:30 AM	#2367
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary Got an e-ma il today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!..... So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Michael woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then." My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. I've been charged with GBH for hurting a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing. A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."