Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[Stitchawl]

I was in the department store the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence; I'm looking for my wife,
too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other.
What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with long black hair,
big dark eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's go look for yours."


Stitchawl

[yvanleterrible]

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

I was in the department store the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence; I'm looking for my wife,
too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other.
What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with long black hair,
big dark eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's go look for yours."


Stitchawl

Typical!

[Nexutix]

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

I was in the department store the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence; I'm looking for my wife,
too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other.
What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with long black hair,
big dark eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's go look for yours."


Stitchawl

By the way, why do you add "Stitchawl" in every post? LOL.

[Stitchawl]

Originally Posted by patilsaurabhr

By the way, why do you add "Stitchawl" in every post? LOL.

I add my name because if I think something should be said, I'm not ashamed to put my name on it!


Stitchawl

[Lycoming]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

Yes, The woman nodded, "Pepper."

[Javed]

Originally Posted by Lycoming

"Are you taking anything for it?"

Yes, The woman nodded, "Pepper."

[Lycoming]

At last, a cure for Flu and the common cold for men.

It's called a sex change.

[James_Wilde]

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Yes, The woman nodded, "Pepper."

Good one, Lycoming!

[Stitchawl]

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then - just to loosen up and be a part of the crowd. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius, Camus and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly that we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, her lower lip aquiver.

"You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a fallacious syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional
drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some John Locke. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors.

They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass and whimpering for Emerson, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step... I joined the Republican Party.


(Note: This was a joke. This was only a joke. Had it been a real statement of opinion it would have been put into a different forum. This was a joke.)


Stitchawl

[Stitchawl]

This has been around for a while, but it's well worth a repeat appearance.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.


1. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

2. ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

3. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

4. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

5. ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

6. ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

7. ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

8. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

9. ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

10. ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
____________________________________________

11. ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

12. ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

13. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

14. ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

15. ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

16. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

17. ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

18. ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.



Stitchawl

[captkjaneway]

Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.
"Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up.

Paddy bought 2 horses and could never remember which one was which. So, he cut the tail off one and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a gate and it looked exactly like the other. His pal suggested he notch the ear of one horse and that worked great until the other horse caught his ear on barbed wire. The pal then suggested paddy measure the horses for height and he was delighted to find the black horse was 2 inches taller than the white one.

What’s the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot...........
Ones a marsupial from Australia, the others a guy from Newcastle stuck in a lift!

I hear Coleen Nolan fell off a horse - was she in the mood for prancing...

Took the shell off my pet snail to make him go faster but if anything he’s more sluggish!

[captkjaneway]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old Lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, and a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[captkjaneway]

This morning on the way to work, I bumped into a car at some lights whilst not really paying attention…anyway, the fella driving got out…...and was a dwarf.
He said "I'm not happy"
I said "Well which one are you then?"


A man walked into a pharmacy and up to the young lady pharmacist. “Do you sell Viagra?” he enquires.
“Yes, we do.” replies the pharmacist.
“Does it really work?” asks the man.
“Yes.” she answered.
“And can I get it over the counter?” he continues.
“Probably, if you took two of them!” replied the pharmacist.


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

[James_Wilde]

Good ones, Jane!

[Lycoming]

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking." He
sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He gets closer to the car
and sees a young man behind the wheel reading a computer magazine and a
young woman on the rear seat knitting. Somewhat puzzled by this surprising
situation, the cop walks over to the car and knocks at the window.

The young man lowers his window. "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says: "And her, what is she
doing?"

The young man shrugs: "I believe she's knitting a pullover."

The cop is very confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and
nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 25, sir."

"And her, what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and says: "She'll be eighteen in
twenty minutes