Seriously thoughtful Personal Interactions in Internet

[phenomshel]

Originally Posted by badgoodDeb

Yeah for Chris and Shel!

I, on the other hand, met someone online, met up and married him ..... and just a few days ago finished divorcing him. And I don't even believe in divorce! He changed after we married.

(((((((hugs)))))). As thrilled as I am with mine and Chris's relationship, I do realize that not everyone is going to have a happy ending.

But not everyone has a happy ending with relationships that had nothing to do with the internet, either.... my first marriage had absolutely nothing to do with the internet (I got married in 1986, before internet chatting/usage was widespread), and that...well, to put it nicely, it was a complete disaster.

[beppe]

Originally Posted by Elfwreck

You seem to be saying that online relationships are all about "fun," that there's no other point to them. That they don't provide emotional support, or work towards shared goals, or help each other out in times of need. That they are entirely individual, not connected to a person's family life. (My husband knows where I hang out online. I know where he hangs out. We have some mutual online friends, and some where we don't share any interests in common.)

I would like to take what you wrote out of the polemical contest and recast it as:

... online relationships are not all about "fun," there are other points to them. They can provide emotional support, or can work towards shared goals, or can help each other out in times of need. They are not entirely individual, they can be connected to a person's family life.


This is what I get out of your post. I think it can be useful.
Again, thank you.

[wvcherrybomb]

I hope you don't mind if I throw something out there in this thread.

Would those of you who are married or in a commited relationship consider it cheating if your significant other developed a very personal relationship online?

A few people have posted here about meeting their spouse online. But what if the relationship in question was in addition to a marriage/commitment?

[Exer]

Originally Posted by desertgrandma

Stay away from forming personal relationships online.

As much fun as they may be, they aren't 'real'.

Obviously I don't agree, but I'm not really all that surprised to hear this sort of sentiment expressed. It seems to me that at least part of this divergence in the way people perceive the internet -- and all things related to it; relationships, etc. -- is directly related to what generation they grew up in.

I have an aunt and uncle who live in an old plantation house in rural Pennsylvania. They have a wood-burning stove and a coal-burning furnace. 70% of their food comes from their own garden, and for most of the year my Uncle rides his horse to his job at a farm down the road. They've never owned a computer and have no desire to ever do so. They have a vague understanding of what "email" is, but can't grasp why they would ever want to use such a thing. For them, communication consists of paper, pen, stamps, and a good long-distance phone plan.

If you set a laptop in front of my Aunt and asked her to type out an email and send it to her sister (my mom), she'd probably slowly and carefully tap out her message, and then seal the laptop in a box and take it to the post office to mail it out.

I'm not saying that everyone of their age is like that, of course not. I'd never make such a sweeping generalization. But I can see how someone of that age might think differently about a technology like the internet. I can easily see how one might feel it was "unreal", and should have no impact on "real life".

I can see how someone like that could think of the internet as more of a quaint diversion. Something to be hopped into briefly and then set aside when done.

I grew up in a different era.

My first real job was as a freelance web-designer. All my contacts were online. All my clients found me through the internet. My entire portfolio was virtual. I had no office you could come visit. My projects usually went from start to finish without me ever meeting my employer face to face. My efforts on the internet provided the down payment on my house, and completely paid for my first car. So I see the "real" aspects of what the internet can help provide all around me.

(Not to mention the one I wake up next to daily )

I think the internet can provide real jobs, real support and real relationships. I think it can provide friendship and love. I think it is a door to people and places that you would never otherwise get to know.

[Exer]

Originally Posted by wvcherrybomb

I hope you don't mind if I throw something out there in this thread.

Would those of you who are married or in a commited relationship consider it cheating if your significant other developed a very personal relationship online?

A few people have posted here about meeting their spouse online. But what if the relationship in question was in addition to a marriage/commitment?

"Very personal", as in a lover?

I think this depends more on personal morals, than it does whether or not the internet is involved. For me, cheating is cheating, whether online or off. I'd never even so much as flirt with another woman online while in an offline relationship.

The same went the other way around as well, when my lady and I were in the strictly online relationship, I'd have never even considered dating someone locally. In fact I had to decline a couple advances, and I know she had to do so at least once as well. I'd not have had any interest in her -- friend or otherwise -- if she could have blithely carried on multiple relationships with different guys.

I'm sure the people who don't mind cheating in "RL" would just as easily cheat online.

[Pookeysgirl]

Originally Posted by Exer

"Very personal", as in a lover?

I think this depends more on personal morals, than it does whether or not the internet is involved. For me, cheating is cheating, whether online or off. I'd never even so much as flirt with another woman online while in an offline relationship.

The same went the other way around as well, when my lady and I were in the strictly online relationship, I'd have never even considered dating someone locally. In fact I had to decline a couple advances, and I know she had to do so at least once as well. I'd not have had any interest in her -- friend or otherwise -- if she could have blithely carried on multiple relationships with different guys.

I'm sure the people who don't mind cheating in "RL" would just as easily cheat online.

Agreed! If my husband feels the need to get personal with another woman on/offline i would simply tell him "There's the door, don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out".

[wvcherrybomb]

Originally Posted by Exer

"Very personal", as in a lover?

Not in a physical sense since I am talking about an online only relationship. But, I still consider it cheating if a certain amount of intimacy is involved.

I only asked this because reading through the posts it becomes clear that the OP is married. I was just wondering if he were trying to justify or find "moral support" for an online affair. Even if I am completely wrong in my reasoning, this question still adds to the discussion, in my opinion.

[kindlekitten]

Originally Posted by wvcherrybomb

Not in a physical sense since I am talking about an online only relationship. But, I still consider it cheating if a certain amount of intimacy is involved.

I only asked this because reading through the posts it becomes clear that the OP is married. I was just wondering if he were trying to justify or find "moral support" for an online affair. Even if I am completely wrong in my reasoning, this question still adds to the discussion, in my opinion.

I think you have hit the nail on the head here

[badgoodDeb]

As a first try at an answer: if you would object to your spouse reading it over your shoulder, then it's too personal of a relationship.

[beppe]

Originally Posted by wvcherrybomb

Not in a physical sense since I am talking about an online only relationship. But, I still consider it cheating if a certain amount of intimacy is involved.

I only asked this because reading through the posts it becomes clear that the OP is married. I was just wondering if he were trying to justify or find "moral support" for an online affair. Even if I am completely wrong in my reasoning, this question still adds to the discussion, in my opinion.

A personal question. I find your comment a bit too close. If you want to know more about me personally, why don't you use private messages?
In any case, here it is (it is my duty to please posters on my thread):

Yes, I am married. I can certainly add the happily that is expected in these cases. Although it is really none of your businesses
No, I am not justifying an online affair, or finding "moral support" for it. And this also is truly none of your businesses, or not?

I started this thread because I am interested in Internet relations, not necessarily nor primarily romantic. This site has a potential for quality Internet relations. I am fascinated by them. I am fascinated by the quality of the people here, by the passion and intensity that pop up from the posts on this site. By the desires to please, to be liked, appreciated, admired, listened to, that I see. By the humanity that is revealed. I like people, I would not mind to have a deep personal relation with a number of distinguished members on this site, none particularly romantic mind you. Ah, my destiny is to desire ... and to dream. My curse is to have chosen the role of jester. I like it anyhow. Better that than other ones, more serious and more boring maybe.

I rather go back to more serious topics than my personal affairs.

[wvcherrybomb]

Originally Posted by badgoodDeb

As a first try at an answer: if you would object to your spouse reading it over your shoulder, then it's too personal of a relationship.

This is a perfect criteria.

[desertgrandma]

Originally Posted by wvcherrybomb

I hope you don't mind if I throw something out there in this thread.

Would those of you who are married or in a commited relationship consider it cheating if your significant other developed a very personal relationship online?

A few people have posted here about meeting their spouse online. But what if the relationship in question was in addition to a marriage/commitment?

That is what I've been trying to say.....not that online relationships in themselves are bad, but if they are being pursured in addition to marriage.....

Originally Posted by Exer

I'm not saying that everyone of their age is like that, of course not. I'd never make such a sweeping generalization. Cute.But I can see how someone of that age might think differently about a technology like the internet. I can easily see how one might feel it was "unreal", and should have no impact on "real life".

I can see how someone like that could think of the internet as more of a quaint diversion. Something to be hopped into briefly and then set aside when done.

I grew up in a different era.

My first real job was as a freelance web-designer. All my contacts were online. All my clients found me through the internet. My entire portfolio was virtual. I had no office you could come visit. My projects usually went from start to finish without me ever meeting my employer face to face. My efforts on the internet provided the down payment on my house, and completely paid for my first car. So I see the "real" aspects of what the internet can help provide all around me.

(Not to mention the one I wake up next to daily )

I think the internet can provide real jobs, real support and real relationships. I think it can provide friendship and love. I think it is a door to people and places that you would never otherwise get to know.

But we aren't talking jobs, or casual friendships. We're talking, at least I am talking married people pursuing something a bit closer.

Originally Posted by Pookeysgirl

Agreed! If my husband feels the need to get personal with another woman on/offline i would simply tell him "There's the door, don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out".

Originally Posted by wvcherrybomb

Not in a physical sense since I am talking about an online only relationship. But, I still consider it cheating if a certain amount of intimacy is involved.

I only asked this because reading through the posts it becomes clear that the OP is married. I was just wondering if he were trying to justify or find "moral support" for an online affair. Even if I am completely wrong in my reasoning, this question still adds to the discussion, in my opinion.

Thats exactly my opinion on the original post.

Originally Posted by badgoodDeb

As a first try at an answer: if you would object to your spouse reading it over your shoulder, then it's too personal of a relationship.

Perfectly put.

Originally Posted by beppe

A personal question. I find your comment a bit too close. If you want to know more about me personally, why don't you use private messages?
In any case, here it is (it is my duty to please posters on my thread):

Yes, I am married. I can certainly add the happily that is expected in these cases. Although it is really none of your businesses
No, I am not justifying an online affair, or finding "moral support" for it. And this also is truly none of your businesses, or not? Not ordinarily, but you put the question out there, Beppe.

I started this thread because I am interested in Internet relations, not necessarily nor primarily romantic. This site has a potential for quality Internet relations. I am fascinated by them. I am fascinated by the quality of the people here, by the passion and intensity that pop up from the posts on this site. By the desires to please, to be liked, appreciated, admired, listened to, that I see. By the humanity that is revealed. I like people, I would not mind to have a deep personal relation with a number of distinguished members on this site, none particularly romantic mind you. Ah, my destiny is to desire ... and to dream. My curse is to have chosen the role of jester. I like it anyhow. Better that than other ones, more serious and more boring maybe.

I rather go back to more serious topics than my personal affairs.

But, you can't have it both ways. You are asking for approval of persuring and having "deep personal relationships" with some here, but don't want anyone to butt into your personal affairs.

How about having your wife join MR and letting us know her opinion?

Like 'Shel and Devils Advocate?

We could use more couples here.

[badgoodDeb]

We've also got AM and the Yeti, but he doesn't post often.

[desertgrandma]

Originally Posted by badgoodDeb

We've also got AM and the Yeti, but he doesn't post often.

Thanks, bgd.

Are those the only two couples on here?

[Freeshadow]

well instead of answers which would be of hobby-sociologist quality I'll give you some facts to draw your own conclusions from:

since I dont give a piece of whatever for meeting people just for the sake of meeting them, the usage of common herd gathering places IRL is a waste of time for me.
I found out often enough that a great bunch of people I like to share and exchange with are located far out of a convenient realspace radius, thus IRL i would have never ever KNOW this individuals even exist what is far less than meeting.
so wouldnt the netcomm posibilities exist it isn't that i 'd have more sotial RL connections but rather less in total since the digitally established would be nonexistent.
in cases when the ammount of exchanged data becomes too much/slow for typing only, vocal communication is added.
meeting is something i only regard as a nesessity if the contact reaches - on both sides - an emotional depth that makes the development of a personal relationship possible and probable. yes it happened, lasted some time and ended in my case, I add myself to the group of positively proven cases.
when the contact is not that intensive i do not need to know how somebody tastes, smells, looks or sounds.

sidenote 1) said development begun after we knew each other more than 2 years without having mor than text exchange contact. 2) the relationship ended due to reasons being completely unconected with the specific ways of its beginning.

I have no avatars (nowhere), plainly because I'm not really visual oriented. I wouldn't know what to take and feel no need for.

I even don't use photos as mnemonic hooks as most people do.
my memories of time periods and events are connected to music.

as was said before people LIE - indeed.
but the more they do, the more data they add to the legend the more they have to remember. data is countercheckable. it doesn't work in the long term and is usually not worth the effort to try.