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Old 12-08-2010, 06:40 AM   #2206
kennyc
The Dank Side of the Moon
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Need an IT guy?
Don't worry about any conniving, usurping, or treachery on my part; I'm just in it for the paycheck. By the way, will your minions/stormtroopers/non-contract employees get health insurance and a 401(k) retirement plan? I have references.
What Julian Assange?


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Old 12-08-2010, 07:00 AM   #2207
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Old 12-08-2010, 07:37 AM   #2208
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A mom hears here little boy is playing with his train set: The train stops and the boy says, "All you sons of bitches getting off at this station get off now. All you sons of bitches getting off at the next station be ready in ten minutes"

The mom storms into the room and angrily says, "Young man we do not use that sort of language in this house. Go to your room for two hours!"

So the boy grumps off to his room. Two hours later the mom hears the train start up again and hears the boy calling out,

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will be at the next station stop in five minutes. Those of you who are disembarking please prepare to do so. And ladies and gentlemen, we will be at the next stop after that one in 20 minutes, please be ready at that time."

" And for those of you concerned about the two hour delay, see the bitch in the kitchen!"
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Old 12-08-2010, 08:09 AM   #2209
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And for Christmas, a new and updated Barbie!! Barbie is getting older and so....

These are a bit more realistic...

Hot Flash Barbie.
Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face
turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.
Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.


Flabby Arms Barbie.
Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these
new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus
with tummy-support panels are included.

Bunion Barbie.
Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have
definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her
sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

No-More-Wrinkles Barbie.
Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip
lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

Soccer Mom Barbie.
All that experience as a cheerleader is really
paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for
Babs and Ken, Jr.. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and
cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

Mid-life Crisis Barbie.
It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change,
and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along
with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the
Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is
Hard to Do."

Divorced Barbie.
Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house,
Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

Recovery Barbie.
Too many parties have finally caught up with the
ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps.
Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously.. Comes with a
little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.


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Old 12-08-2010, 08:52 AM   #2210
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16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any
flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.

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Old 12-08-2010, 09:21 AM   #2211
Lycoming
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Hot Flash Barbie.
Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face
turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.
Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues



Hot flushes are now known as 'Tropical Moments.'
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Old 12-09-2010, 03:16 AM   #2212
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kennyc View Post
What Julian Assange?

You trying to be funny?

j/k

You know what though? He doesn't impress me. I can use 256-bit encryption too. He paid attention when it was advantageous to do so, and he has enough technical knowledge to stay a step ahead of Washington. Big deal; at the end of it all he's just another black-hat using proactive security measures and social engineering. If Homeland Security would stop kissing Big Media's collective derriere and worry about actual threats, they may have kept this from becoming newsworthy. What I've seen thus far looks pretty pointless, if marginally entertaining.

Also, I don't need a secret source to ferret out the guv'ment's thoughts; in fact I have a foolproof method for determining when an elected official is only looking out for him/herself:

I watch them to see if they're breathing.

I can also tell when they're lying: Their lips move.
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Old 12-09-2010, 03:21 AM   #2213
devilsadvocate
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Hot Flash Barbie.
Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face
turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.
Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues



Hot flushes are now known as 'Tropical Moments.'
I refer to them as "Power Surges."

I don't take credit for that one either...
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Old 12-09-2010, 04:51 AM   #2214
Stitchawl
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EXERCISE DIARY

For a gift this year my wife purchased me a week of private
lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I
was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea
to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone
named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic
clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get
started.

Day 1.
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress
this week.
Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I
arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of
a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me
the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing
next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the
aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my
gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was
talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2.
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya
had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then
she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on
treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it.
Muscles feel GREAT.

Day 3.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that
I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as
I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little
impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club
members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why
would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would
make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4.
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't
help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes.
She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb"
must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Igor
looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine.
It sank.

Day 5.
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body
not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good
idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I don't have
triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I
refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU
are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt
like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or
social studies?

Day 6.
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I
am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight
hours of the weather channel.

Day 7.
Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my wife
will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the
dentist. Sorry, gotta go, a half-gallon of Butter Pecan is calling me.


Stitchawl

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Old 12-09-2010, 05:53 AM   #2215
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Quote:
Originally Posted by devilsadvocate View Post

I watch them to see if they're breathing.

I can also tell when they're lying: Their lips move.
The better ones do it one lip at a time.
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Old 12-09-2010, 10:08 AM   #2216
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Bah! Humbug!
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Quote:
she made me try the rowing machine.
It sank.
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Old 12-12-2010, 03:41 PM   #2217
Lycoming
Capt Chaos II
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Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Margaret - put your hat
and coat on lassie.'

she replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me the the pub with
you?'

'Nay, Jock replied, I'm switching the heat off while I'm out.'
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Old 12-12-2010, 06:39 PM   #2218
Stitchawl
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Christmas carols for dysfunctional friends:

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and..

PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.

DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock

............(better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire


Merry Christmas! Ho ho ho!

Stitchawl
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Old 12-12-2010, 06:49 PM   #2219
kennyc
The Dank Side of the Moon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stitchawl View Post
Christmas carols for dysfunctional friends:

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and..

PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.

DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock

............(better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire


Merry Christmas! Ho ho ho!

Stitchawl
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Old 12-13-2010, 01:06 PM   #2220
James_Wilde
Guru
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lycoming View Post
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Margaret - put your hat
and coat on lassie.'

she replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me the the pub with
you?'

'Nay, Jock replied, I'm switching the heat off while I'm out.'
Neil will get you for that one!
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