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Old 11-12-2010, 06:45 AM   #2041
Lycoming
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Old 11-12-2010, 12:13 PM   #2042
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'


The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.


In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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Old 11-12-2010, 12:25 PM   #2043
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...
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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Old 11-12-2010, 02:04 PM   #2044
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One for Hunting Season:

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Well, beer nuts are about 1.59 a bag

Deer nuts are under a buck.
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Old 11-12-2010, 02:20 PM   #2045
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Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a
bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and
prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather
sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of
men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shtt out of him.
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Old 11-12-2010, 06:32 PM   #2046
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lycoming View Post
[IMG]
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a
bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and
prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather
sets in.
Gee, those are the norm in Japan.


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Old 11-13-2010, 06:20 PM   #2047
kennyc
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What Confucious Really Said ...

... naked man fear no pickpocket.

... squirrel who run up woman’s leg, not find nuts.

... support bacteria! is only culture some people have.

... man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money.

... man with athletic finger, make broad jump.

... man who speak with forked tongue, should not kiss balloons.

... even greatest of whales, helpless in desert.

... wash face in morning, neck at night.

... he who live in stone house, should not throw glasses.

... cow with no legs, ground beef
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Old 11-13-2010, 06:43 PM   #2048
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What Confucious Really Said ...

... cow with no legs, ground beef
I always thought he said...

...cow with no legs, udder destruction!


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Old 11-13-2010, 07:05 PM   #2049
kennyc
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stitchawl View Post
I always thought he said...

...cow with no legs, udder destruction!


Stitchawl
I like that better....

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Old 11-13-2010, 10:38 PM   #2050
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You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is
sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same
speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your
horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same
speed as you and the kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this
highly dangerous situation?

Spoiler:
You get your drunken a$$ off the merry-go-round.
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Old 11-14-2010, 12:36 AM   #2051
Stitchawl
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JLeighs View Post
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is
sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same
speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your
horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same
speed as you and the kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this
highly dangerous situation?

Spoiler:
You get your drunken a$$ off the merry-go-round.
Damn! I spent five minutes trying to figure out which part was dangerous...


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Old 11-14-2010, 03:57 AM   #2052
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The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JLeighs View Post
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is
sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same
speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your
horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same
speed as you and the kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this
highly dangerous situation?

Spoiler:
You get your drunken a$$ off the merry-go-round.
What's more, somehow you're sitting on your horse backwards!

Spoiler:
All the merry-go-rounds I've every seen go clockwise. So the sharp drop would be on your left. Since it's on your right, you must be sitting back-to-front.
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Old 11-14-2010, 05:55 AM   #2053
kennyc
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Newton's law says you are okay.

Spoiler:
have another drink!
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Old 11-14-2010, 08:28 AM   #2054
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kennyc View Post
Newton's law says you are okay.

Spoiler:
have another drink!


That's what I'd do...
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Old 11-14-2010, 12:57 PM   #2055
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Best Newspaper Headlines of 1998

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
7. Would-be Women Priests Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
16. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Line
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Large Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
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