Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 133

SameOldStory · 11-07-2010, 12:58 PM

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes; she'll remember them all.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

WT Sharpe · 11-07-2010, 02:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

The true story about the Garden of Eden

God and Eve in the Garden

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man,' Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such in a way that he will satisfy your ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember . . . it's our secret . . . Woman to woman."

That's freaking hilarious!

WT Sharpe · 11-07-2010, 03:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Javed

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

An old man once told us......

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an officious ####. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So my wife called him a ####-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Let that be a warning to recluse!

Yeah, buddy, you just keep joking on us old folks!

poohbear_nc · 11-07-2010, 03:27 PM

Quote:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

dreams · 11-07-2010, 03:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SameOldStory

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Hey!

Quote:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

........

kennyc · 11-07-2010, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SameOldStory

....

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
.......

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

doreenjoy · 11-07-2010, 04:11 PM

WT Sharpe · 11-07-2010, 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doreenjoy

Stitchawl · 11-07-2010, 05:18 PM

"Life Explained"

Stitchawl

kennyc · 11-07-2010, 06:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

"Life Explained"

Stitchawl

yvanleterrible · 11-08-2010, 06:16 AM

Which one is the volume button?

Format C: · 11-08-2010, 08:33 AM

Adam was sitting alone in Eden, sad and lonely with nothing to do.
So, he went to God's and said: "Lord, I'm bored and sad. I've given names to all the things on Earth, and now I've got nothing to do..."
"I can create you a woman", said the Almighty.
"Woman? What is it?"
"it's a creature like yourself. She's good-hearted, beautiful, delicate and sensible. She'll listen to you when you're down, she'll support you in your everyday life, she'll tolerate your hobbies, she'll keep the house clean, she'll be obedient and respectful, she'll cook for you, and she will have sex with you everytime you want"
"Wow! Sounds good! And, how much does she cost?"
"I'll take seven ribs, half of your liver, a lung, your right foot, a piece of your brain, a couple of vertebras and one eye"
"It's too much, my Lord. What can I have for one rib?"

And the rest is history.

kennyc · 11-08-2010, 08:35 AM

SameOldStory · 11-08-2010, 08:39 AM

Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man".

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young
muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"

Lycoming · 11-08-2010, 12:33 PM

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered
in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get
some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began
hassling him about where he got it. He told them to **** off and
let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave
in.

OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of
bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river
and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all
the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out
for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES,
YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said
the first bat, "Because I ****ing didn't"

11-07-2010, 04:11 PM	#1987
doreenjoy 01000100 01001010 Posts: 1,889 Karma: 2400000 Join Date: Mar 2009 Device: Polyamorous	On the next episode of Hoarders: Attached Thumbnails

11-08-2010, 08:39 AM	#1994
SameOldStory My True Self Posts: 3,126 Karma: 66242098 Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Trantor, Galactic Center Device: Galaxy Tab 2 7.0	Cinderella at 75 Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man". Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"

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11-07-2010, 12:58 PM	#1981
SameOldStory My True Self Posts: 3,126 Karma: 66242098 Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Trantor, Galactic Center Device: Galaxy Tab 2 7.0	ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. MEMORY Any married man should forget his mistakes; she'll remember them all. APPEARANCE Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. COMPREHENSION There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

11-07-2010, 05:18 PM	#1989
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	"Life Explained" Stitchawl

11-08-2010, 06:16 AM	#1991
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	Which one is the volume button?

11-08-2010, 08:33 AM	#1992
Format C: Guru Posts: 753 Karma: 1496807 Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: The Third World Device: iLiad + PRS-505 + Kindle 3	Adam was sitting alone in Eden, sad and lonely with nothing to do. So, he went to God's and said: "Lord, I'm bored and sad. I've given names to all the things on Earth, and now I've got nothing to do..." "I can create you a woman", said the Almighty. "Woman? What is it?" "it's a creature like yourself. She's good-hearted, beautiful, delicate and sensible. She'll listen to you when you're down, she'll support you in your everyday life, she'll tolerate your hobbies, she'll keep the house clean, she'll be obedient and respectful, she'll cook for you, and she will have sex with you everytime you want" "Wow! Sounds good! And, how much does she cost?" "I'll take seven ribs, half of your liver, a lung, your right foot, a piece of your brain, a couple of vertebras and one eye" "It's too much, my Lord. What can I have for one rib?" And the rest is history.

11-08-2010, 08:35 AM	#1993
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,909 Karma: 119230421 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire

11-08-2010, 12:33 PM	#1995
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to ** off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I **ing didn't"