Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[lene1949]

THE HORTH WHITHPERER....

If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing..

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

[lene1949]

CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square, Rome.


The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room,
everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room
people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room
everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,

slim,


tall,


34E breast,


24" waist and


34" hips.






When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

[lene1949]

Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when De Gaulle decided to pull out of NATO. De Gaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded
"Does that include those who are buried here?"
De Gaulle did not respond.

You could have
heard a pin drop
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:
'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply
emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day,
they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'


You could have
heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied,
'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's Kiwi's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'


You could have
heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN
WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said,
'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained,
''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."

You could have
heard a pin drop.

[Lycoming]

That horth tasthes funny.

[WT Sharpe]

Id ith. Wanna' buy a toothbruth?

Lycoming, you're up. Post the joke to go with that punchline! I know you know it!

[Lycoming]

[Lycoming]

UPDATE ON MY SURGERY…….





I tried to keep this a secret, but somehow the news leaked out about it, so I thought I had better tell everyone. Dear Family and Friends, most of you know I went in for a surgical procedure for a Butt Lift. I didn't have the most pleasant experience. I should've left well enough alone..I wanted to show you how it turned out. I hope this keeps YOU from having this done.. Please, PLEASE, PLEASE . . . don't get a Butt Lift. You will most certainly regret it !!!. . . . .

[desertgrandma]

This is what its like driving down Bell Rd in Arizona when the snowbirds return.

The dogs face says it all....

[kennyc]

Originally Posted by desertgrandma

This is what its like driving down Bell Rd in Arizona when the snowbirds return.

The dogs face says it all....

No Kidding. I used to live in Phoenix and work for Goodyear in Litchfield Park.

They'd be out driving their golf carts on the highway, I'd have to play dodge-the-codger almost every day!

[kennyc]

The true story about the Garden of Eden


God and Eve in the Garden

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man,' Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such in a way that he will satisfy your ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."


"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember . . . it's our secret . . . Woman to woman."

[yvanleterrible]

Hah! Nice find Kenny!

[Lycoming]

Woman to woman



"And that my son is how the world went wrong a long time ago........."

[Javed]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

An old man once told us......

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an officious ####. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So my wife called him a ####-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[thinkpad]

oh boy is that what all the senior citizens are doing. Glad I don't have a car

[pete_1967]

"Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy." - ancient wisdom.