Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 131

lene1949 · 11-02-2010, 01:25 AM

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

lene1949 · 11-02-2010, 01:29 AM

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?' 'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'

'It's The Box Office.'

WT Sharpe · 11-02-2010, 07:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lene1949

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?' 'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'

'It's The Box Office.'

But will the younger folks get that one? I haven't heard that term in years!

Lycoming · 11-02-2010, 10:50 AM

Hi there...this is me.
Mom said I got all the good looks and no brains.
I love being a babe hound.
Girls make spit roll down my chin.
I have a stomach problem and fart a lot.

This is my mom.
She has lots of boyfriends.
One of them has a job.
She says with a little luck I could be a garbage man one day.

This is my brother Hank.
He is in jail right now.
When he gets out he is not allowed to be around animals and kitchen appliances.

My grandmom lives with us in our trailer.
She smells real bad.
She likes to hang out in bars and drink beer.
The flies that swarm round her are terrible.

My mom says she is almost positive this is my dad.
He lives in a Federal Penitentiary in Montana .
When he gets out in 55 years we are going fishing.

This is my dad’s truck.
The bloodstains inside are almost all gone.

My younger sister Jill lost all her teeth.
She was licking an eggbeater after Mom made a cake and my cousin Jimmy turned it on by accident.

We are proud of my older brother Barney.
He is only 27 and already in the 4th grade.
and can write his own name.
He wants to be a Doctor

My half brother JimBob and his wife. She is a hottie.
They raise Possum in their back yard.
They are not allowed to have children.

This is my older sister Sue Ellen.
She has 15 kids and they all look different.
We depend on her welfare check to get by.
She has a disease that makes her itch.

Jethro is my 1st cousin.
He runs a tomato stand down by the highway.
He once went 53 days without taking a bath.

This is Buck.
He is my second cousin.
He is pretty smart.
Buck is going to be a dentist some day.
He does all the work on our teeth.

This is my sister’s boyfriend for now.
His name is Larry.
He fixes lawn mowers in the city.
My sister says he has a hairy butt.

This is Michael.
He used to be my best friend but got killed by a bus on the interstate.
they passed his underwear on to me
I still wear it.

These are 2 kids we throw stuff at.
There used to be 3 of them.
Mom says we can't throw heavy stuff any more.

Jake holds the trailer park record.
He once jumped over 7 trailers.
Jake crashed a lot and talks real slow now.
His doctor told him to wear a helmet.

My uncle Marky is still having problems.
He doesn't know what he wants in life anymore.
He is a Vietnam War hero and now sells perfume at a department store.

This is my stepbrother Phil.
He had a hunting accident years ago.
The bullet is lodged just over his right ear.
It's hard to understand him sometimes and he stinks like rotten turnips.

This is our cousin Wayne who lives in England.

(For those unfamiliar with his ugly mug, Wayne plays soccer for Manchester United. He has the IQ of a tin of beans.)

Bilbo1967 · 11-02-2010, 10:56 AM

"This is our cousin Wayne who lives in England."

poohbear_nc · 11-02-2010, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bilbo1967

"This is our cousin Wayne who lives in England."

Do you know him?

Bilbo1967 · 11-02-2010, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poohbear_nc

Do you know him?

Sure!

Do you know who he is?

poohbear_nc · 11-02-2010, 11:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bilbo1967

Sure!

Do you know who he is?

Errrrr....should I?

Bilbo1967 · 11-02-2010, 11:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poohbear_nc

Errrrr....should I?

He is a famous football player in the UK; Wayne Rooney.

Renowned for being a bit of a chav.

poohbear_nc · 11-02-2010, 11:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bilbo1967

He is a famous football player in the UK; Wayne Rooney.

Renowned for being a bit of a chav.

Ahhhh .... I'm a mere Yank - our famous football players are mostly ex-convicts or adulterers!

Lycoming · 11-02-2010, 11:29 AM

Well he may not have been a convict but he has spent (allegedly) time with a lady of ill repute while his charming wife was pregnant. Big fail, Wayne.

Bilbo1967 · 11-02-2010, 11:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Well he may not have been a convict but he has spent (allegedly) time with a lady of ill repute while his charming wife was pregnant. Big fail, Wayne.

Funniest thing about that story was that the lady in question stated that she charged Wayne the "Ugly Tax" (i.e. she would always charge ugly men a bit more for her services)

Oh, allegedly!

SameOldStory · 11-02-2010, 10:22 PM

Lycoming, I didn't know that you lived in My Trailer Park

SameOldStory · 11-02-2010, 10:32 PM

The Adventures of Cynical Woman!
Under Creative Commons

lene1949 · 11-05-2010, 01:42 AM

YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL.....YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED..

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

11-02-2010, 10:50 AM	#1954
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	MY FAMILY TREE Hi there...this is me. Mom said I got all the good looks and no brains. I love being a babe hound. Girls make spit roll down my chin. I have a stomach problem and fart a lot. This is my mom. She has lots of boyfriends. One of them has a job. She says with a little luck I could be a garbage man one day. This is my brother Hank. He is in jail right now. When he gets out he is not allowed to be around animals and kitchen appliances. My grandmom lives with us in our trailer. She smells real bad. She likes to hang out in bars and drink beer. The flies that swarm round her are terrible. My mom says she is almost positive this is my dad. He lives in a Federal Penitentiary in Montana . When he gets out in 55 years we are going fishing. This is my dad’s truck. The bloodstains inside are almost all gone. My younger sister Jill lost all her teeth. She was licking an eggbeater after Mom made a cake and my cousin Jimmy turned it on by accident. We are proud of my older brother Barney. He is only 27 and already in the 4th grade. and can write his own name. He wants to be a Doctor My half brother JimBob and his wife. She is a hottie. They raise Possum in their back yard. They are not allowed to have children. This is my older sister Sue Ellen. She has 15 kids and they all look different. We depend on her welfare check to get by. She has a disease that makes her itch. Jethro is my 1st cousin. He runs a tomato stand down by the highway. He once went 53 days without taking a bath. This is Buck. He is my second cousin. He is pretty smart. Buck is going to be a dentist some day. He does all the work on our teeth. This is my sister’s boyfriend for now. His name is Larry. He fixes lawn mowers in the city. My sister says he has a hairy butt. This is Michael. He used to be my best friend but got killed by a bus on the interstate. they passed his underwear on to me I still wear it. These are 2 kids we throw stuff at. There used to be 3 of them. Mom says we can't throw heavy stuff any more. Jake holds the trailer park record. He once jumped over 7 trailers. Jake crashed a lot and talks real slow now. His doctor told him to wear a helmet. My uncle Marky is still having problems. He doesn't know what he wants in life anymore. He is a Vietnam War hero and now sells perfume at a department store. This is my stepbrother Phil. He had a hunting accident years ago. The bullet is lodged just over his right ear. It's hard to understand him sometimes and he stinks like rotten turnips. This is our cousin Wayne who lives in England. (For those unfamiliar with his ugly mug, Wayne plays soccer for Manchester United. He has the IQ of a tin of beans.) Last edited by Lycoming; 11-02-2010 at 11:02 AM.

11-02-2010, 10:32 PM	#1964
SameOldStory My True Self Posts: 3,126 Karma: 66242098 Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Trantor, Galactic Center Device: Galaxy Tab 2 7.0	The Adventures of Cynical Woman! Under Creative Commons Last edited by SameOldStory; 03-15-2011 at 12:35 AM.

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11-02-2010, 01:25 AM	#1951
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

11-02-2010, 01:29 AM	#1952
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan ' An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? ' When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?' 'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.' 'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.' 'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit' 'It's The Box Office.'

11-02-2010, 10:56 AM	#1955
Bilbo1967 Not scared! Posts: 13,424 Karma: 81011643 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Midlands, UK Device: Kindle Paperwhite 10, Huawei M5 10	"This is our cousin Wayne who lives in England."

11-02-2010, 11:29 AM	#1961
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Well he may not have been a convict but he has spent (allegedly) time with a lady of ill repute while his charming wife was pregnant. Big fail, Wayne.

11-02-2010, 10:22 PM	#1963
SameOldStory My True Self Posts: 3,126 Karma: 66242098 Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Trantor, Galactic Center Device: Galaxy Tab 2 7.0	Lycoming, I didn't know that you lived in My Trailer Park

11-05-2010, 01:42 AM	#1965
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL.....YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE! MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL . 'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE. 'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK? 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, BASTARD ASKED.. 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'