Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 129

WT Sharpe · 10-29-2010, 05:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lene1949

Even if it is a repeat, most of us would have forgotten by now...

If it was this morning, I may have forgotten by now. I'm in constant fear of repeating myself in the notable quotes thread!

kennyc · 10-29-2010, 06:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

If it was this morning, I may have forgotten by now. I'm in constant fear of repeating myself in the notable quotes thread!

That's okay Tom, I probably wouldn't notice.

BeTePoK · 10-29-2010, 07:54 AM

A husband got back home from work very sad and despondent. His wife noticed it and asked that's happened.

- Honey, are you OK?
- Yes, dear, but it's OK, I hope.
- Could you please tell me what's wrong?
- Oh, do not worry, it's not your problem...
- Honey, I'm your wife and your problems - my problems too. Just tell me.
- No need to worry, darling...
- JUST TELL ME! NOW!
- OKAY! OUR MISTRESS IS PREGNANT AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

kennyc · 10-29-2010, 12:34 PM

WT Sharpe · 10-29-2010, 01:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

I'd like a suitable adjective or two to fit between "That's" and "funny!", but the mods frown on profanity.

badgoodDeb · 10-29-2010, 02:07 PM

I like your avatar's pumpkin hue, WT -- it almost looks like he's blushing! Good seasonal touch.

WT Sharpe · 10-29-2010, 02:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by badgoodDeb

I like your avatar's pumpkin hue, WT -- it almost looks like he's blushing! Good seasonal touch.

Thanks, Deb. Maybe Visage-1 is blushing because he's been reading Lycoming's jokes!

Stitchawl · 10-29-2010, 07:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

Stitchawl

Lycoming · 10-30-2010, 12:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

Thanks, Deb. Maybe Visage-1 is blushing because he's been reading Lycoming's jokes!

Forsooth, surely not? It must be that time of life.

To see what can be done to old pumpkins have a look here. (Ray Villafane)

http://www.wix.com/tamzzzz/rays_pumpkins

WT Sharpe · 10-30-2010, 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Forsooth, surely not? It must be that time of life.

To see what can be done to old pumpkins have a look here. (Ray Villafane)

http://www.wix.com/tamzzzz/rays_pumpkins

They're nice, but I like this one. It's a bit risqué, so I'm enclosing it in Spoiler Tags. (I also suspect it's upside-down.)

Spoiler:

BTW, I love those jokes you post. They've made my day on more than one occasion!

yvanleterrible · 10-30-2010, 02:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

They're nice, but I like this one. It's a bit risqué, so I'm enclosing it in Spoiler Tags. (I also suspect it's upside-down.)

Spoiler:

Really hot, that pumpkin! It's on fire!

WT Sharpe · 10-30-2010, 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

Really hot, that pumpkin! It's on fire!

I can't decide if it's a proud woman (as pictured) or an insult (upside down).

I like to think it's an insult!

doreenjoy · 10-30-2010, 09:51 PM

The job security quiz

This quiz will help judge how long you'll be at your current job and what will become of you.

1. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...

A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.

B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.

C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.

2. There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?

A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.

B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.

C. Barge into your boss's office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."

3. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?

A. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.

B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.

C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

4. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?

A. Listen politely, and then apologize.

B. Blame someone else.

C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the words "union YES."

5. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...

A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.

B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.

C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.

7. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?

A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.

B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.

C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

7. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...

A. Clean the office while he supervises.

B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.

C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.

Scoring this test

Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.

Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.

Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.

doreenjoy · 10-30-2010, 10:00 PM

Cartoon Laws of Physics

Cartoon Law I

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II

Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.

Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III

Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyses this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV

The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V

All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI

As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII

Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII

Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX

Everything falls faster than an anvil.

doreenjoy · 10-30-2010, 10:05 PM

10-30-2010, 10:05 PM	#1935
doreenjoy 01000100 01001010 Posts: 1,889 Karma: 2400000 Join Date: Mar 2009 Device: Polyamorous	Last edited by doreenjoy; 10-30-2010 at 10:08 PM.

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10-29-2010, 07:54 AM	#1923
BeTePoK Guru Posts: 740 Karma: 12616666 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Republic of Belarus Device: Sony PRS-505	A husband got back home from work very sad and despondent. His wife noticed it and asked that's happened. - Honey, are you OK? - Yes, dear, but it's OK, I hope. - Could you please tell me what's wrong? - Oh, do not worry, it's not your problem... - Honey, I'm your wife and your problems - my problems too. Just tell me. - No need to worry, darling... - JUST TELL ME! NOW! - OKAY! OUR MISTRESS IS PREGNANT AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

10-29-2010, 12:34 PM	#1924
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,909 Karma: 119230421 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire

10-29-2010, 02:07 PM	#1926
badgoodDeb Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,551 Karma: 64462893 Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Harrisburg outskirts Device: Palms, K1-4s, iPads, iPhones, KV, KO1	I like your avatar's pumpkin hue, WT -- it almost looks like he's blushing! Good seasonal touch.

10-30-2010, 09:51 PM	#1933
doreenjoy 01000100 01001010 Posts: 1,889 Karma: 2400000 Join Date: Mar 2009 Device: Polyamorous	The job security quiz This quiz will help judge how long you'll be at your current job and what will become of you. 1. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you... A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid. B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources. C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level. 2. There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do? A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you. B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him. C. Barge into your boss's office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock." 3. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do? A. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns. B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills. C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities. 4. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do? A. Listen politely, and then apologize. B. Blame someone else. C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the words "union YES." 5. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you... A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper. B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously. C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it. 7. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do? A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too. B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you. C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead. 7. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you... A. Clean the office while he supervises. B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to. C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face. Scoring this test Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat. Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk. Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.

10-30-2010, 10:00 PM	#1934
doreenjoy 01000100 01001010 Posts: 1,889 Karma: 2400000 Join Date: Mar 2009 Device: Polyamorous	Cartoon Laws of Physics Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second takes over. Cartoon Law II Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease. Cartoon Law III Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyses this reaction. Cartoon Law IV The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful. Cartoon Law V All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. Cartoon Law VI As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. Cartoon Law VII Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science. Cartoon Law VIII Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container. Cartoon Law IX Everything falls faster than an anvil.