Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[Lycoming]

David had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his

head that said,'David, don't worry about it. You aren't the first

medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you

won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, David.'

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to
reality, whispering:


David . . . you're a veterinarian, you sick bastard.

[desertgrandma]

Karma coming to your for that one, lycoming.

[kennyc]

Originally Posted by Lycoming

....

David . . . you're a veterinarian, you sick bastard.

[DMcCunney]

There has been a rash of burglaries in the neighborhood, and Mrs. Jones is worried their house might be next. So Mr. Jones suggests she check the local pet store, to see if they have a good guard dog for sale.

The per store owner apologizes, and says he doesn't have a guard dog, but he has something better: a karate monkey. Mrs. Jones looks skeptical, and the pet store owner says "Watch!" He leads the monkey in on a leash, and says "Karate monkey, that vase!" The monkey leaps up with a shriek and shatters a large vase on top of a post with a side snap kick. The pet shop owner says "Karate monkey, that table!", and the monkey shrieks again and splits the table in two with a mighty chop.

"Sold!", says Mrs. Jones, who writes a check and leads the money out to her car to take him home.

She walks in the door saying "Honey, I'm back! The pet store didn't have any guard dogs, but I got something even better: a Karate Monkey!"

Mr. Jones rolls his eyes in an exasperated manner, and says "Karate monkey, my balls!"
______
Dennis

[lene1949]

Originally Posted by kennyc

Actual Hospital log entries:



1. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only
11kgs weight gain in the past three days.

5... She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.

6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. The patient refused autopsy.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

I just love these things... Whether they're true or not, it would be such an easy mistake to make...

[lene1949]

'letters to the council' (allegedly)

"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."

"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."

"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."

"Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."

"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."

"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."

"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."

"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."

[kennyc]

Originally Posted by lene1949

'letters to the council' (allegedly)

"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."

"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."

"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."

"Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."

"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."

"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."

"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."

"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."

.....

[rebarnmom]

Originally Posted by kennyc

Actual Hospital log entries:

22. The patient refused autopsy.

I would too! That's got to be somewhere in the Patients Bill of Rights! These remind me of my days working in Medical Records!

Do you know how to tell the difference between a med student and a staff physician of many years?

The length of their dicktation!

Originally Posted by kennyc

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

This whole post is a classic and never gets old!

[lene1949]

I work with intellectually disabled people, which is a highly stressful job, they say...

Anyway, I call in sick fairly often, and rack my brain on which excuse I should use... Just found this one:


Toby calls his boss and says, “I’m having trouble with my eyes.”

“What’s wrong with them?” the boss asks.

“I can’t see myself coming into work today,” says Toby...

[Falcao]

[kennyc]

Updated for the times:

[Lycoming]

Some may enjoy the attached link to a "Sinatraesque" singalong.


http://www.animatronics.org/strangers/strangers.htm

[Falcao]

Beware of humans

[yvanleterrible]

Originally Posted by Falcao

Beware of humans

ETA or bankers?

[kennyc]

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

ETA or bankers?

NRA members. That's what I display proudly on my front window.