Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 122

WT Sharpe · 10-06-2010, 09:19 AM

poohbear_nc · 10-06-2010, 09:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doreenjoy

Poet e.e. cummings' last call to Tech Support:

"That's right, they're capital E's on screen, but they print as lower case. Yes, I'll hold."

desertgrandma · 10-06-2010, 10:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

Wanna see my tool?

Afraid this old heart just couldn't stand it......

poohbear_nc · 10-06-2010, 10:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

Wanna see my tool?

Throw a bucket of cold water on yvan! He's getting overheated!

kennyc · 10-06-2010, 10:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poohbear_nc

Throw a bucket of cold water on yvan! He's getting overheated!

rebarnmom · 10-06-2010, 12:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

Brilliant!

Looking forward in this setup for the rest of the dictionary!

I'll second that!

rebarnmom · 10-06-2010, 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

Well done, DGma, you screwed us all and we loved it!!!
More....

Awww!

One of the advantages (?) of reading posts in reverse order!
Now I'll never know if I'm an idiot!

LCF · 10-06-2010, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poohbear_nc

Throw a bucket of cold water on yvan! He's getting overheated!

You are gonna burn the cool light of his tool!

Fat Abe · 10-06-2010, 02:22 PM

1. To prove he wasn't Chicken.

2. He wanted to visit his cousins, Herky Jerky and Turkey Lurky.

3. He received an invitation to be guest of honor at a Thanksgiving dinner. They forgot to tell him he wouldn't be sitting at the head of the table, but at its center.

4. He saw a Wild Turkey neon sign outside a bar and thought the place was a Turkey strip club.

5. He was running from a Pilgrim lynch mob.

WT Sharpe · 10-06-2010, 03:12 PM

Two drunk cowboys were sitting behind a couple of nuns at the ballgame. Because of their habits, the cowboys were having a problem seeing the action on the field, so they decided to give the nuns a hard time. One said in a loud, boisterous voice, "You know what? I'm thinking about moving to Texas. I hear less than fifteen percent of the population is Catholic."

"Oklahoma would be better," said his rowdy friend, "Folks tell me less than ten percent of the people there are Catholic."

Having heard enough, one of the nuns turned around and said, "Why don't you both just go to hell? There are no Catholics there."

lene1949 · 10-07-2010, 01:00 AM

Four old friends were playing their weekly game of golf. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his pals and play a round.

His friends all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first player says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third man says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last one of the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the arse and said, Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf,”

and all she said was, “You'll need a jumper.”

lene1949 · 10-07-2010, 03:42 AM

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Bunnings and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the nice young man to finish serving a customer,
her eye caught a beautiful bathroom vanity tap set...

When the man was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that vanity set?

The young assistant manager replied, "That's a gold plated set and the price is $500.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is very expensive. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Lady, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the vanity set."

lene1949 · 10-07-2010, 03:44 AM

Two businessmen in Frankston were opening a new shop and were sitting down for a break....

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft
voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, "Must be doing well... Only two left."

lene1949 · 10-07-2010, 03:48 AM

I know this is an old one but I still love it:

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front
of a broken down shanty-style house:

'Talking Dog For Sale '

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting
from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around
really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was
awarded a batch of medals.'' I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

lene1949 · 10-07-2010, 03:49 AM

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s - - t out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

10-06-2010, 02:22 PM	#1824
Fat Abe Man Who Stares at Books Posts: 1,826 Karma: 10606722 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: 50th State, USA. Also, PA, NY, CA, and elsewhere. Device: All of the Above	Why did the Turkey cross the road? 1. To prove he wasn't Chicken. 2. He wanted to visit his cousins, Herky Jerky and Turkey Lurky. 3. He received an invitation to be guest of honor at a Thanksgiving dinner. They forgot to tell him he wouldn't be sitting at the head of the table, but at its center. 4. He saw a Wild Turkey neon sign outside a bar and thought the place was a Turkey strip club. 5. He was running from a Pilgrim lynch mob. Last edited by Fat Abe; 10-06-2010 at 09:25 PM.

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10-06-2010, 09:19 AM	#1816
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.

10-06-2010, 03:12 PM	#1825
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	Two drunk cowboys were sitting behind a couple of nuns at the ballgame. Because of their habits, the cowboys were having a problem seeing the action on the field, so they decided to give the nuns a hard time. One said in a loud, boisterous voice, "You know what? I'm thinking about moving to Texas. I hear less than fifteen percent of the population is Catholic." "Oklahoma would be better," said his rowdy friend, "Folks tell me less than ten percent of the people there are Catholic." Having heard enough, one of the nuns turned around and said, "Why don't you both just go to hell? There are no Catholics there."

10-07-2010, 01:00 AM	#1826
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	Four old friends were playing their weekly game of golf. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his pals and play a round. His friends all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first player says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." The third man says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last one of the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the arse and said, Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf,” and all she said was, “You'll need a jumper.”

10-07-2010, 03:42 AM	#1827
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Bunnings and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the nice young man to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom vanity tap set... When the man was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that vanity set? The young assistant manager replied, "That's a gold plated set and the price is $500.00. Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is very expensive. It's certainly out of my price bracket." She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Lady, do you wanna screw for the hinge?" Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the vanity set."

10-07-2010, 03:44 AM	#1828
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	Two businessmen in Frankston were opening a new shop and were sitting down for a break.... As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, "Must be doing well... Only two left."

10-07-2010, 03:48 AM	#1829
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	I know this is an old one but I still love it: A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'' I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

10-07-2010, 03:49 AM	#1830
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s - - t out of all of you!' St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?' 'Couple of minutes ago.'