Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 117

kennyc · 09-24-2010, 06:11 PM

I've posted these before, but always good for a re-run!

1. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

2. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

3. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

4. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

5. She used to have a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.

6. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

7. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution.

10. Did you hear about the guy who emailed ten puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh? Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

rebarnmom · 09-24-2010, 07:43 PM

Groan... right back at you Kenny!

My apologies again if these are repeats...

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

SameOldStory · 09-24-2010, 08:39 PM

A woman goes to he doctor and says, "Doctor, I've tried every diet known, and none of them worked for me. Should I have surgery?"

"Well." he says, "There is one last one. It's going to sound strange, but it will work, and it's better than surgery for you".

"What you have to do is put the food up your rectum. You'll absorb enough to keep you healthy but for various reasons you will loose weight."

She tells him that she'll do it.

Six months later, and a lot thinner, she comes back to get her next checkup. But She's jumping from one foot to another, hopping up and down, and twisting her hips.

"MY GOD WOMAN. What’s the matter with you" he shouts.

"Just chewing gum" she says.

LCF · 09-25-2010, 04:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rebarnmom

* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

kennyc · 09-25-2010, 05:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rebarnmom

...

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

And that one is not even funny.....just TRUE!

Stitchawl · 09-25-2010, 06:53 AM

Two maggots were fighting in dead Ernest?

Stitchawl

roger the rabbit · 09-25-2010, 07:03 AM

GGGGGGGGGritted teeth!

SameOldStory · 09-25-2010, 01:10 PM

Redneck Drivers license application
Last Name: ____________________
First name (Check appropriate box):
Bobby-Sue . Billy-Bob
Billy-Joe ... . Bobby-Jo
Billy-Ray .... Bobby-Ann
Billy-Sue .... Bobby-Lee
Billy-Mae ... Bobby Ellen
Billy-Jack ... Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (If unsure, guess)
Sex: M F Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left _____ Right

Spouse’s Name: _______________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: _______________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: ______________________
Lover’s Name: _______________________
2nd Lover’s Name: _____________________
Relationship with Spouse:
Sister . Aunt
Brother Uncle
Mother Son
Father Daughter
Cousin Pet

Number of children living in household: ____
Number of children living in shed: ____
Number of children that are yours: _____

Mother’s Name: ______________________
Father’s Name: ______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you own or rent your trailer house? (Check appropriate box)
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
____ Total number of vehicles you own
____ Number of vehicles that still crank
____ Number of vehicles in front yard
____ Number of vehicles in back yard
____ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ Truck ____ Kitchen
____ Bedroom ____ Bathroom
____Shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194__
Do you have a gun rack?
Yes No: If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
The National Enquirer The Globe
TV Guide Soap Opera
Rifle and Shotgun

____ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
____ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
____ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often you bathe:
Weekly
Monthly
Not Applicable
How many teeth? ____
Color of teeth:
Yellow Brownish-Yellow
Brown Black
N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
Red-Man
Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
1 mile
2 miles
don’t know

SameOldStory · 09-28-2010, 10:12 PM

A man enters a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

TGS · 09-29-2010, 05:48 PM

Two Yorkshire women, Ethel and Madge, meet on the street:

Madge: Hello Ethel: I was so sorry to hear about your husband passing away. It was very sudden wasn't it.

Ethel: Yes it was, he'd just go into the garden to get a cabbage to have with our Sunday lunch and he collapsed and died.

Madge: Oh, my word. What did you do?

Ethel: Well, I had to open a can of peas.

nohmi2 · 09-29-2010, 05:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rebarnmom

Groan... right back at you Kenny!

My apologies again if these are repeats...

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Loved it.

Just got around to reading these.

Cheers.

Falcao · 09-29-2010, 06:29 PM

- Mommy, mommy, do you have anti-conceptive pills?
- WHAT??? Why do you want a pill?
- I don't want that Santa brings me more dolls.

Williamlk · 09-29-2010, 06:31 PM

Seen at a restaurant/gas station in Alabama:
"Eat here and get gas."

nohmi2 · 09-29-2010, 07:15 PM

A Silly Poem
Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
I'll draw a sketch of thee,
What kind of pencil shall I use?
2B or not 2B?

poohbear_nc · 09-29-2010, 07:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nohmi2

A Silly Poem
Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
I'll draw a sketch of thee,
What kind of pencil shall I use?
2B or not 2B?

*groan*

09-24-2010, 08:39 PM	#1743
SameOldStory My True Self Posts: 3,126 Karma: 66242098 Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Trantor, Galactic Center Device: Galaxy Tab 2 7.0	Last chance diet A woman goes to he doctor and says, "Doctor, I've tried every diet known, and none of them worked for me. Should I have surgery?" "Well." he says, "There is one last one. It's going to sound strange, but it will work, and it's better than surgery for you". "What you have to do is put the food up your rectum. You'll absorb enough to keep you healthy but for various reasons you will loose weight." She tells him that she'll do it. Six months later, and a lot thinner, she comes back to get her next checkup. But She's jumping from one foot to another, hopping up and down, and twisting her hips. "MY GOD WOMAN. What’s the matter with you" he shouts. "Just chewing gum" she says.

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09-24-2010, 06:11 PM	#1741
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,916 Karma: 119747553 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	I've posted these before, but always good for a re-run! 1. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.” 2. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’. 3. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 4. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway). 5. She used to have a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off. 6. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor. 7. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution. 10. Did you hear about the guy who emailed ten puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh? Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

09-24-2010, 07:43 PM	#1742
rebarnmom Wizard Posts: 1,289 Karma: 4525055 Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: rural Illinois, USA Device: Sony PRS-700 (traded in), Sony PRS-650	Groan... right back at you Kenny! My apologies again if these are repeats... Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time) Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

09-25-2010, 06:53 AM	#1746
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Two maggots were fighting in dead Ernest? Stitchawl

09-25-2010, 07:03 AM	#1747
roger the rabbit Addict Posts: 316 Karma: 10215 Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Wherever I lay my hat! Device: Sony PRS-T3, 650 Black, 505, Kobo Glo HD Aura ONE	GGGGGGGGGritted teeth!

09-25-2010, 01:10 PM	#1748
SameOldStory My True Self Posts: 3,126 Karma: 66242098 Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Trantor, Galactic Center Device: Galaxy Tab 2 7.0	Redneck Drivers license application Last Name: ____________________ First name (Check appropriate box): Bobby-Sue . Billy-Bob Billy-Joe ... . Bobby-Jo Billy-Ray .... Bobby-Ann Billy-Sue .... Bobby-Lee Billy-Mae ... Bobby Ellen Billy-Jack ... Bobby-Beth Ann Sue Age: ____ (If unsure, guess) Sex: M F Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left _____ Right Spouse’s Name: _______________________ 2nd Spouse’s Name: _______________________ 3rd Spouse’s Name: ______________________ Lover’s Name: _______________________ 2nd Lover’s Name: _____________________ Relationship with Spouse: Sister . Aunt Brother Uncle Mother Son Father Daughter Cousin Pet Number of children living in household: ____ Number of children living in shed: ____ Number of children that are yours: _____ Mother’s Name: ______________________ Father’s Name: ______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you own or rent your trailer house? (Check appropriate box) Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ____ Total number of vehicles you own ____ Number of vehicles that still crank ____ Number of vehicles in front yard ____ Number of vehicles in back yard ____ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ Truck ____ Kitchen ____ Bedroom ____ Bathroom ____Shed Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194__ Do you have a gun rack? Yes No: If no, please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: The National Enquirer The Globe TV Guide Soap Opera Rifle and Shotgun ____ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO ____ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis ____ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO How often you bathe: Weekly Monthly Not Applicable How many teeth? ____ Color of teeth: Yellow Brownish-Yellow Brown Black N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: Red-Man Skoal How far is your home from a paved road? 1 mile 2 miles don’t know

09-28-2010, 10:12 PM	#1749
SameOldStory My True Self Posts: 3,126 Karma: 66242098 Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Trantor, Galactic Center Device: Galaxy Tab 2 7.0	A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

09-29-2010, 05:48 PM	#1750
TGS Country Member Posts: 9,058 Karma: 7676767 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Denmark Device: Liseuse: Irex DR800. PRS 505 in the house, and the missus has an iPad.	Two Yorkshire women, Ethel and Madge, meet on the street: Madge: Hello Ethel: I was so sorry to hear about your husband passing away. It was very sudden wasn't it. Ethel: Yes it was, he'd just go into the garden to get a cabbage to have with our Sunday lunch and he collapsed and died. Madge: Oh, my word. What did you do? Ethel: Well, I had to open a can of peas.

09-29-2010, 06:29 PM	#1752
Falcao Banned Posts: 1,344 Karma: 1028477047 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Nueva Andalucía Device: Sony PRS 650	- Mommy, mommy, do you have anti-conceptive pills? - WHAT??? Why do you want a pill? - I don't want that Santa brings me more dolls.

09-29-2010, 06:31 PM	#1753
Williamlk Guru Posts: 624 Karma: 700001 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: New York Device: kindle	Seen at a restaurant/gas station in Alabama: "Eat here and get gas."

09-29-2010, 07:15 PM	#1754
nohmi2 Pensively observing. Posts: 1,758 Karma: 12675456 Join Date: Jun 2008 Device: Varied.	A Silly Poem Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee, What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?