Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[Lycoming]

I suppose a true story can be counted as a joke if it makes you smile.


I once lived on the East coast of Scotland. A very elderly friend of mine bought a West Highland puppy and called him Willie. We lived alongside a beautiful estuary and would meet each morning to walk our dogs, watch seals etc. I would occasionally find my friend sitting on a raised bit of ground patiently waiting for his hound to desist from chasing rabbits. As the winter weather commenced he decided enough was enough so fastened 10 feet of string to the dog's collar, but this didn't help matters. He then added an empty washing up liquid bottle; this also did not aid matters. Finally he painted the bottle orange and filled it with small stones.

One Saturday morning a lady of our acquaintance, Jennifer, was walking towards us. She was bemused by my Labrador being chased by a ball of white fur, closely followed by an orange washing up bottle which rattled. She trod on the line, arresting the forward progress of said ball of fluff. Jennifer picked up the bottle and dragged the hound towards us, I noticed that my old friend had commenced crying. She then asked the question he had been waiting to be asked for months.

"What's this?"

He took the bottle from her hand and said, "Aye, that's the end of my Willie."

Both of us were nearly incontinent with laughter.

[SameOldStory]

Isaac Asimov liked limericks. And whether or not this on is his, I don't know. But he related this one to a short story that I read a very long time ago.

Peter Loy the cabin boy,
the dirty little nipper,
he packed his --- with broken glass,
and circumcised the skipper.

[Nabeel]

True story, apparently, from my father who is no longer with us, but who booked a flight with Egypt Airlines about 10 years ago. The story is supposed to be a perfect illustration of the famour Egyptian sense of humour.

First class or second class? - Second class.
Aisle seat or window seat? - aisle seat
Vegetarian lunch? - no
Do you want to sit in front of or behind the terrorist? - ...

My father said he laughed.

[LCF]

[Lycoming]

A road crew supervisor hired a nice-looking blonde woman to assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the road. He was skeptical about hiring her, but she appeared enthusiastic and told him that she really needed the job. He explained to her that her work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on her road, and he set her up with her brushes and paint and got her started.

After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8 hour shift. He told her that she did an excellent job and how pleased he was with her progress.

On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road. Her supervisor was surprised that on day one she had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure she would pick up her speed again.

On day 3 he was shocked to learn that, in her 8 hour shift, she only completed painting 1 mile of road. He called her into his office and asked her what was the problem, "On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road and now, on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road.

Can I ask you, what is the problem?"

"Well, she replied, I keep getting farther and farther from the paint can."

[rebarnmom]

Some of these may be repeats, but that's one of the benefits of losing your short-term memory! Credit for these goes to "The Patriot Post"

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[badgoodDeb]

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Some really great lines in there!!

[SameOldStory]

JUST GREAT!

You just stole ALL the best quotes!

Now what am I goning to put in my "signature"?

Wait! I got it!

[LCF]

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken

[nohmi2]

GETTING A HAIRDRYER THROUGH CUSTOMS

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her...'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next.

[LCF]

Originally Posted by SameOldStory

JUST GREAT!

You just stole ALL the best quotes!

Now what am I goning to put in my "signature"?

Work fascinates me - I can look at it for hours!

[SameOldStory]

Too many good ones, but
"The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list."
started me laughing.

[LCF]

Originally Posted by SameOldStory

Too many good ones, but
"The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list."
started me laughing.

I'm trying to translate it without losing the feel for hours...

Edit: I think I just did it

[rebarnmom]

A pun is worth its own reword!!!


* Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

* A pessimist’s blood type is always B-negative.

* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

* Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

* If electricity comes from electrons . . . does that mean that morality comes from morons?

* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

* Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

* A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

* A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

* Without geometry, life is pointless.

* When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

* Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

* When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

[kennyc]

GROAN!!!