Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[lene1949]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its

recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
!
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for

it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model..

The women won.

[lene1949]

A Woman's Poem ©Unknown


He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake,

He said my biscuits were too hard

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...

Like his mother used to do.

[lene1949]

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers is?

Well here it is:
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning
available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in
the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay
in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take
their granddaughter out in the car.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her
Grandfather was.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'

'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a
single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or wanker anywhere today!'

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[lene1949]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.


Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.


The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.


The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.


The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f***ed?'


The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'


She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

[lene1949]

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaicans thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

[lene1949]

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother

2. He liked Gospel

3. He didn't get a fair trial



But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business

2. He lived at home until he was 33

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God



But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands

2. He had wine with His meals

3. He used olive oil



But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair

2. He walked around barefoot all the time

3. He started a new religion



But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature

2. He ate a lot of fish

3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married..

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

[lene1949]

The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
'No way! ……..No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing.. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to
hold on to when I pull your tooth.

[yvanleterrible]

Originally Posted by lene1949

Probably a repeat, but I love it:

> Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of
> their lives.
>
> When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every
> day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we
> played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one
> favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's
> rugby there."
>
> Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been
> my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this
> favour for you.
>
> Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
>
> At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from
> a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out
> to him, "Mike--Mike."
>
> "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
>
> "Mike--it's me, Joe."
>
> "You're not Joe. Joe just died."
>
> "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
>
> "Joe! Where are you?"
>
> "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and
> a little bad news."
>
> "Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
>
> "The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven.
> Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.
> Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always
> spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play
> rugby all we want, and we never get tired."
>
> That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest
> dreams! So what's the bad news?
>
>
> "You're in the team for this Saturday."

That's a beautiful friendship story. If I were Joe I wouldn't mind dying because to many very old persons loneliness is sadness and pain...

I wonder if there's soccer there? I miss it...

[lene1949]

Its hilarious best laugh for ages


Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls..
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who
works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing
with mens balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night !"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange..
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the
smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an
accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob , where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did he have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[Lycoming]

Originally Posted by lene1949

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers is?

Well here it is:
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning
available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in
the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay
in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take
their granddaughter out in the car.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her
Grandfather was.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'

'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a
single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or wanker anywhere today!'

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

I was berated for by my daughter because her little man, all of 22 months old kept muttering "Bugger" whenever he met somebody. She assumed Grandpa had been hurling his usual abuse at other drivers and her little lamb had picked it up. In my defence I insisted I had curbed my language in his presence.
The next weekend he was in his car seat with me driving and Grandma in tow. We passed somebody and he uttered what sounded like "Bugger" but was in fact "Bore Da", Welsh for Good Morning. I had been showing him Ivor the Engine, by Oliver Postgate, on the computer via Youtube and he had picked up the phrase from the dragon Idris. HONEST!

[WT Sharpe]

WILLY NELSON'S 75th BIRTHDAY

.....Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound! Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday below his esteemed portrait. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.

[kennyc]

I love Willie.....well, not his willie, but Willie Nelson....

He cut his braids off though...

[WT Sharpe]

Originally Posted by kennyc

I love Willie.....well, not his willie, but Willie Nelson....

He cut his braids off though...

Noooooo! When did that happen?

[kennyc]

Saw something a few months back....

http://entertainment.blogs.foxnews.c...t-hair-braids/

http://new.music.yahoo.com/blogs/our...ff-his-braids/

[WT Sharpe]

Originally Posted by kennyc

Saw something a few months back....

http://entertainment.blogs.foxnews.c...t-hair-braids/

http://new.music.yahoo.com/blogs/our...ff-his-braids/

That's just not right. Those braids were a trademark. Now he looks looks any other aging musician. Booooo!