Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 108

lene1949 · 08-27-2010, 02:51 AM

NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, born of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw...

The banged-up-cheater was terrified and hollered, ! "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said .......

"Nope....You are!
I'm gonna burn down the Barn!"

lene1949 · 08-27-2010, 03:49 AM

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologised to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....

lene1949 · 08-27-2010, 03:52 AM

Camera

A guy was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now
laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You can't fix stupid.

yvanleterrible · 08-27-2010, 05:50 AM

Some jokes are being repeated.

yvanleterrible · 08-27-2010, 05:50 AM

Some jokes are being repeated.

Bateman · 08-27-2010, 06:07 AM

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Spoiler:

roger the rabbit · 08-27-2010, 06:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

Some jokes are being repeated.

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

Some jokes are being repeated.

yvan! that is le terrible joke!!

WT Sharpe · 08-27-2010, 09:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bateman

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

Spoiler:

But wouldn't the graphite dust be a problem? In a college class I took from someone who used to work at NASA, he told us of a problem with one of the moon missions that wasn't reported to the press: a bit of floating fecal matter managed to find its way into the controls and short-circuited one of the controls. I imagine graphite dust could be a problem as well if it lodged under a button and prevented proper contact from being made.

Yeah, I know. I'm taking this way too seriously! The Russians probably used baggies instead of our million-dollar zero-G toilet.

Ben Thornton · 08-27-2010, 09:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

But wouldn't the graphite dust be a problem? In a college class I took from someone who used to work at NASA, he told us of a problem with one of the moon missions that wasn't reported to the press: a bit of floating fecal matter managed to find its way into the controls and short-circuited one of the controls. I imagine graphite dust could be a problem as well if it lodged under a button and prevented proper contact from being made.

Yeah, I know. I'm taking this way too seriously! The Russians probably used baggies instead of our million-dollar zero-G toilet.

It's an urban myth.

WT Sharpe · 08-27-2010, 09:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ben Thornton

It's an urban myth.

Ah, you mean the pencil! For a minute, you had me wondering if that college professor had lied to us. A college professor wouldn't do that, would they?

Actually, one of my favorite professors told us lies regularly, and told us up front not to believe anything he said! What a great way to instill a skeptical mindset!

Ben Thornton · 08-27-2010, 11:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

Actually, one of my favorite professors told us lies regularly, and told us up front not to believe anything he said! What a great way to instill a skeptical mindset!

A likely story!

Ben Thornton · 08-27-2010, 11:13 AM

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity - it's impossible to put down.

Did you hear about the tailor who lost his job and became a librarian?
He wanted to stay working in text aisles.

WT Sharpe · 08-27-2010, 11:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ben Thornton

A likely story!

Ben Thornton · 08-27-2010, 01:17 PM

Last night I dreamt that I'd written the Lord of the Rings. My wife told me that I'd been tolkien in my sleep.

MJK2111 · 08-27-2010, 01:29 PM

I had a scimitar dream, but I only got to chapter elven.

08-27-2010, 03:49 AM	#1607
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologised to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." Apparently I'm still lost.... Last edited by lene1949; 08-27-2010 at 03:50 AM. Reason: Formatting

08-27-2010, 06:07 AM	#1611
Bateman I simply am not there. Posts: 18 Karma: 1912 Join Date: Aug 2010 Device: BCO v.2 black	I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.... Spoiler: ... then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

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08-27-2010, 02:51 AM	#1606
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN! A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, born of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw... The banged-up-cheater was terrified and hollered, ! "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said ....... "Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!"

08-27-2010, 03:52 AM	#1608
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	Camera A guy was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail's pace. Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt. You can't fix stupid.

08-27-2010, 05:50 AM	#1609
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	Some jokes are being repeated.

08-27-2010, 05:50 AM	#1610
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	Some jokes are being repeated.

08-27-2010, 11:13 AM	#1617
Ben Thornton Guru Posts: 900 Karma: 779635 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: UK Device: Kindle 3, iPad 2 (but not for e-books)	I'm reading a book about anti-gravity - it's impossible to put down. Did you hear about the tailor who lost his job and became a librarian? He wanted to stay working in text aisles.

08-27-2010, 01:17 PM	#1619
Ben Thornton Guru Posts: 900 Karma: 779635 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: UK Device: Kindle 3, iPad 2 (but not for e-books)	Last night I dreamt that I'd written the Lord of the Rings. My wife told me that I'd been tolkien in my sleep.

08-27-2010, 01:29 PM	#1620
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	I had a scimitar dream, but I only got to chapter elven.