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Old 08-26-2010, 03:26 PM   #1591
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You, lucky you. I just feel stupid
Pronounce the last line out loud. Now run the last 4 words together.....
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Old 08-26-2010, 04:09 PM   #1592
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Pronounce the last line out loud. Now run the last 4 words together.....
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Old 08-26-2010, 07:55 PM   #1593
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Pronounce the last line out loud. Now run the last 4 words together.....
Yeah, me too!
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Old 08-26-2010, 08:08 PM   #1594
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How come I got it straight away? English is not even my language...

Btw there's an r missing.
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Old 08-26-2010, 08:16 PM   #1595
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How come I got it straight away? English is not even my language...
Some of us are more keyed into the drug scene than others?
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Old 08-26-2010, 08:35 PM   #1596
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No -- I was just offended by the last line. Then couldn't figure out why it was there, or what it added to the joke ... THEN realized that it was the punch line.
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Old 08-26-2010, 08:40 PM   #1597
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No -- I was just offended by the last line. Then couldn't figure out why it was there, or what it added to the joke ... THEN realized that it was the punch line.
I actually googled "bar bitch"!
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Old 08-26-2010, 09:00 PM   #1598
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Did someone say puns? This may be the world's longest. Loosely (very loosely) inspired by "The Lord of The Rings", but I hope it stands alone.
----------------------------

Sam lingered over his second cup of tea after a leisurely breakfast. The children were already outside in the garden; he could hear the voices of the older girls calling to the little ones in a vain attempt to impose some sort of order. Rosie could command attention without so much as raising her voice; but Rosie, as Sam often told himself (and as often told her), was a wonder.

He watched with pleasure her quick, neat movements for a few moments as she bustled about the kitchen, setting out the things for her baking, then pushed his chair back from the table and stood up.

“Well, I’d best be getting on about my business,” he said, running through the morning’s tasks in his mind: meet with the League of Leafmen from Longbottom to discuss the upcoming Pipeweed festival (where Elanor would, no doubt, be crowned Queen of the Crop for the fifth year running); morning tea with the ladies of the Hobbiton Beautification Society, who wanted to show him their designs for a floral patchwork done entirely in marigolds of various shades of yellow and orange; then a short stroll as far as the Green Dragon, perhaps a quick pint or two, and back in time for lunch. Being Mayor, he reflected, filled in the time nicely, and gave him plenty of excuses for meeting folk. “Any messages you’d like done while I’m out and about?”

Rosie paused in her work. “Yes, a tidy few. Shall I write you a little list?”

“No, no need for that,” Sam said firmly. He considered himself to have rather a good memory; it was a matter of some pride to him that he never forgot any of the names of his growing brood of children. No one had called him “Ninnyhammer” for many years. “Just run through them, will you, love? I’ll remember.”

Rosie frowned in concentration.

“Let’s see… I’m making soup for our supper, and Mrs Bracegirdle said she’d more cauliflowers than she knows what to do with, and she’d leave one by her letterbox. Pick it up as you go by.”

“Soup, good! Cauliflower, right. What else?”

“Well, you might see if Hob Boffin’s made that new handle for the cool-box yet.”

The cool-box had been a gift from Gimli a few years before. One of the Dwarves who had gone with him to the Glittering Caves of Aglarond had invented a box that, while light enough for two adult hobbits to carry easily, had walls a foot thick, and which would keep food cool for hours. Gimli had tried explaining the theory to Sam; something to do with two thin walls separated by a thing Gimli called “vak-cuum”, or some such word. Sam shrugged; he generally thought of it as “the cool-box”, or occasionally by the name of its inventor, Friggila of Aglarond. An over-zealous child had wrenched the handle off a few days before, and Hob the carpenter had assured Sam that he could carve a wooden handle that would be just as good as the original metal one.

“Handle for Friggila’s box,” Sam repeated to himself. “Right.”

“And Mr Bilbo’s old clock,” Rosie added. “Hob was going to see if he could find out why it’s started making that rattling noise instead of a proper ‘tick-tock’ like it used to.”

“Noisy clock. Yes.”

“Take that basket of eggs for Mrs Bracegirdle, leave it by the letterbox when you collect the cauliflower. Oh, and I’ve potted up one of your sweet peas for Petunia Twofoot, it’s just outside the door – leave it by her gate, she’ll know it’s from me.”

“Yes, I saw it there before. That the lot?”

“I think so. Are you sure you can remember all that, Sam?” Rosie asked doubtfully.

“Don’t you worry. I’ll say them all over to myself as I walk along, so’s to be sure I haven’t forgotten anything.” Sam glanced quickly out of the window to check that they were not being observed by any curious children, then slipped his arms around Rosie’s waist and turned her to face him. “A nice kiss to warm me up before I go, and – ”

“Oooh, Sam,” Rosie protested, drawing away and pulling a face. “Your breath smells fit to curdle milk! You’ve been at that smelly pipe already, have you?”

“I did slip outside for a quick puff while you were getting the little ones washed,” Sam admitted. From time to time Rosie developed an aversion to the smell of pipeweed; it never lasted more than a few weeks, and often signalled the arrival of another small hobbit some months later.

“I wish you wouldn’t just now, not in the mornings. You know it makes me feel poorly.”

“Sorry, love.” Sam made a mental note to do something about the state of his breath before coming home. Chewing on a sprig of mint ought to do the trick, and he knew where a bush was growing wild, not far from the Mill. Kisses from Rosie were not something to be given up lightly.

*********

As he walked along the road towards Bywater he said the list of tasks over to himself, at first silently, then under his breath, then audibly.

“Soup. Cauliflower. Friggila’s box. Clock tick-tock. Eggs. Sweet pea. Bad breath.”

He was so preoccupied that he barely noticed old Bobby Poppins sitting outside his cottage.

“Morning to you, Master Samwise,” Bobby called.

“And to you, Bobby,” Sam answered distractedly, then said his list over once again:

“Soup: a cauli. Friggila’s… tick… eggs… pea… halitososis.”

Old Bobby scratched his head in bewilderment, then got to his feet rather ponderously and went into his cottage. His daughter Mary was buttering scones.

“Mary, m’dear,” said Bobby, “I be thinkin’ Master Samwise has had a touch of the sun.”

“Why’s that, Dad?” Mary asked brightly. That lass was always cheerful, Bobby Poppins reflected. Almost unnatural, it was. And he had never known her to have so much as the shadow of a crease in any of her clothes, even after a morning spent scrubbing floors or cleaning windows.

“Well, he’s walking down the road muttering a lot of gibberish.”

“What sort of gibberish?”

“Couldn’t rightly say,” Bobby said doubtfully. “But it sounded like…” he hesitated, took a deep breath, then repeated what he thought he had heard:

“Super-cali-fragi-listic-expi-ali-docious.”
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Old 08-26-2010, 09:00 PM   #1599
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I actually googled "bar bitch"!
I bet it got you on some porn site somewhere...
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Old 08-26-2010, 09:03 PM   #1600
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It could explain why I didn't post much yesterday afternoon...
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Old 08-26-2010, 09:06 PM   #1601
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“Super-cali-fragi-listic-expi-ali-docious.”
Argghhh!!!
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Old 08-26-2010, 09:09 PM   #1602
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That was a cute story, very well written. If we hadn't been pressured in finding the pun within I would certainly have read more.
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Old 08-26-2010, 09:23 PM   #1603
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That was a cute story, very well written. If we hadn't been pressured in finding the pun within I would certainly have read more.
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Old 08-26-2010, 10:25 PM   #1604
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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

Spoiler:
The Russians used a 5 cent pencil.
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Old 08-27-2010, 02:50 AM   #1605
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THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's driving license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.' The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said..
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'
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